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Welcome to my utmost random thoughts on random shit that really doesn't matter much.
This is where my mind takes a dump.
~ Sticks, Stones and Funnybones ~
Part 18 - The Disgrace
The Disgrace
I am hereby renouncing my Swedish citizenship.
No shit. I cannot in good faith call myself Swedish after the disgrace I suffered at the hands of the Swedish national team in the World Cup of soccer today (0 – 2 in the knockout round vs. Germany).
Seriously.
If there is one thing I can’t stand, it’s lack of heart when you do anything you are supposed to be doing well. Make that lack of balls. I hate people who just apathetically ooze their way through life, and today Sweden represented that whole store brand vanilla outlook to the tenth power. They displayed cowardice, weakness and such a total disrespect for their Swedish Viking heritage that no Swede can ever look another Swede in the eye again – much less somebody not Swedish. If you are the underdog - not expected to win and totally outplayed - then you bleed a river and surf the ball into the net. Whatever it takes, you do.
Sweden didn't. The Germans took us to the ovens, like it was 1943.
It is therefore, with a heavy heart, I turn my back on my roots, my flag and my fellow people. I will burn my passport and my Swedish underwear. I am no longer Swedish.
Until I get my American citizenship I shall be the Man Without a Country.
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The Plague
5-year old Claudia De Alwis awoke from her 10-day coma when her parents played her favorite song by her hospital bed. The little girl, who fell from a balcony and injured herself badly, opened her eyes as the song filled the room.
What song it was? James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful”.
Chances are she woke up to shut the fucking stereo off. Can you imagine being stuck in a coma or vegetative state, still semi-perceptive of the world around you, and hearing that song on repeat, day in and day out, until the end of time? Wait, didn’t that just describe what it’s like driving down the highway in Florida with the radio on?
In England they took a vote, with the radio stations giving their listeners an opportunity to vote one song off the airwaves for the rest of the year. “You’re Beautiful” won, hands down, with 80% of the votes.
Say what you want about the Brits, but they always knew their music. Maybe I will be British from now on?
Let's see how they do against Equador in the Cup tomorrow.
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The Incentive
Iranian Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki told reporters that the EU “incentives package” for Iran to suspend their Uranium enrichment program has provided the “best basis to return to the negotiating table”.
Hopefully this meant that we (and with “we” I don’t mean “Sweden”) showed him a picture of his house in Teheran, through the crosshairs of a British nuke. You say incentive, I say we’ll kill your stupid ass – same thing.
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The Ark
OK, this is the scariest news I have heard all year. Brace yourselves. In case of impending apocalypse, a “doomsday vault” has been built – to host a wide array of flora and fauna that could possibly replenish earth in case of total global annihilation.
OK, what’s so scary about that? That sounds reasonable, right?
No, you don’t understand. The Doomsday Vault is being built by Norway! You still don’t get it, do you? NORWAY! The scariest bunch of people on earth! They club seals for fun, for crying out loud! This is the country where Church Burning is a national event and where the kids wear Panda Bear make up. This is the Noah of Nations?
That would be like making Tom Cruise and Martha Stewart our new Adam and Eve. They would have to throw half the fucking animals overboard so they could stuff the ark closets full with all their skeletons.
OK…
Turns out I over-reacted… It is apparently a vault for seed pods and plants only, to re-crop the earth in case of a total wipe out. The actual people of Earth are still left to fend for themselves, dodging nukes and fallout as we scurry about. Whew! I would rather have aliens land on Earth, 5,000,000 years from now, playing around with our deposited eggplants and pears, than having the Norwegians running the show.
I may have renounced my Swedish citizenship, but I am not that far gone yet.
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The Hit
Speaking of animals (not that we did – but I needed a transition)… A pelican was caught on the highway in California, halfway through a Toyota’s windshield, totally fucked up on acid. Turns out that the birds ingest a certain oceanic algae, which contain an acid toxic, and then get high as kites – going bat shit crazy and flying all over the place with eyes shining like windows.
I knew there was something weird with all those sea-grass eating tofu-hippies in the vegan cafes. Turns out they were way ahead of the rest of society all along. Bunch of degenerate pelican dope fiends.
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The Geniuses
After media and federal governments have thoroughly investigated how pedophiles prey upon our young on the internet, myspace.com has felt forced to further increase its security measures.
Are you ready?
To make it much harder for these sexual predators to bait and lure underage boys and girls into their dark lairs of fuckuppedness, myspace has made it so that an overage person can’t be added to an underage member’s list – unless that overage person knows the answers to certain secret questions about the underage person.
Wow! That is fantastic!
Let’s just hope that all overage pedophile fuckheads don’t – gasp! – LIE about their age and make themselves, say, 14! They wouldn’t, would they? We all know that people who hide in bushes to kidnap and rape children are the very paragons of virtue and truth.
We all tell the truth on the internet, right?
After all… according to my own myspace account I am a 99-year old Aquarius skeleton who lives in Alabama.
Beats being Swedish, at least.
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