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Welcome to my utmost random thoughts on random shit that really doesn't matter much.
This is where my mind takes a dump.
~ Sticks, Stones and Funnybones ~
Part 22 - The Controversy
The Middle East
For some reason the notorious pussy Democratic Party chairman Howard Dean seems to have grown a pair lately. He called Sen. Katherine Harris “Stalin”, and the Iraqi PM an “anti-semite” – all within a week! For this he has been heavily criticized. Why? Well, I don’t think Harris could grow a mustache, but is it news to anyone that the Arabs are all anti-semitic? They fucking hate the Jews. That translates to anti-semitic in my book every day of the week.
Jesus fucking Christ… That’s why this conflict will never reach a solution; these people hate each other, and we are worried about PC semantics! Well, guess what. I am an anti-semantic.
Also… It was funny… Former Israeli president Benjamin Netanyahu was just on CNN, making the statement that “the Muslims have this mad notion that their holy leader shall return after a thousand years and lead them to salvation”, and that this was now what was going on in countries like Iran. He even scoffed. Sure, the concept of a Messiah sounds much more level-headed. Oh, that’s right… Didn’t the Jews nail him to a cross or something, for meddling in their business all those years ago? Sounds to me like Old Uncle Ben is pissed that the Muslims still have their shot at Heaven available to them. Note to self: Don’t kill the Savior. It’s not in the Commandments, but kinda self-explanatory.
Anybody else think Condoleezza Rice looks like a lost tool on her quest for whatever it is we are pretending to do over there? We all know she got the job because she is black and female, so the Bush Administration could fill two quotas with one stone. Affirmative action to the tenth power. Listen to her when she speaks. She never actually says anything at all. Not that I think she should be there at all, as in America not being there at all. I can guarantee you that nothing good will come out of us butting in here. Let the damn UN do it, or let the Arabs and Jews blow each other to Kingdom Come – as long as the US keeps it fucking distance. The whole inane concept of “we do not support a cease fire” makes absolutely NO SENSE, as Israel and Hezbollah are BOTH primarily bombing civilian targets. 700 Lebanese Civilians have died, but Israel claimed at least 30 of those were Hezbollah affiliated. So to get all the thousands of Hezbollahs, Israel has Uncle Sam’s blessing to kill another 100,000 civilians? Does this sound like something America would say if it was any other country than Israel doing the shooting? It’s an absolute idiotic position to take, when even our closest allies, the Brits, think we’re out of our fucking minds and are pushing for the US to back the UN resolution for an immediate cease fire. America has its back against the wall here, with bed-fellows Israel demanding US interaction, and the rest of the free world demanding a cease fire.
That’s why we sent Condoleezza Rice – to just wishy-wash around, issuing vanilla nonsense statements, attending pointless meetings and showing “serious concern” with that wrinkled forehead of hers – while resolving absolutely nothing at all. Buying time.
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The Controversy
MTV presented the “Most Controversial MTV Videos” ever as they are celebrating their 25th anniversary. The viewers could vote for any video shown on the network since the beginning, and here are the top three (with my comments, of course):
3. Michael Jackson – Thriller
OK, I can see how it’s controversial to have to suffer through 13 minutes of Las Vegas Showtime zombiephilia, but what else does this video say that was so upsetting? Beware of the living dead? Leather makes you look gay? Michael Jackson is going through changes? All pretty obvious to me, but then again… I am not an expert on controversy. (And isn’t R. Kelly’s closet video even longer anyway?)
2. Britney Spears – Baby One More Time
Is the controversy that she was so young and that a whole world still wanted to fuck the shit out of her? Did this video all make us into a bunch of pedophiles? The school girl uniform, the pig tails, the make up and the suggestive lyrics – the chick we never got to do in high school; there’s a novel concept for you. I dare you to turn on MTV and watch any rap video. Those chicks are both younger and are plowed on a regular basis – for real.
1. Madonna – Like a Prayer.
Nigger, please. Literally. Did anybody but the wooden asses of the Vatican think this was upsetting? Were they the ones voting? Then again, they still stubbornly depict Jesus as a white man, not as the dark middle-easterner he really was. I have a hard time believing that all these little pop-fools, emo-fags and goth-punks called in to vote for a video that was aired before they were even born. The only upsetting thing with this video was that she kissed the guy’s toes. After seeing that commercial for the anti-toenail fungus medicine I have a very distant relationship even to my own feet.
From the top of my head I can think of a number of videos that were way more controversial, and shown on MTV on top of that (otherwise there are a bunch of indie death metal videos that would take the cake):
3. Cardigans – My Favorite Game
Nina drives like a speed demon on the wrong side of the road through the Nevada desert, crashing people’s cars and causing mayhem in her wake. It ends with her wrecking her own car and dying. Great one.
2. Robbie Williams - Rock DJ
Robbie comes up through a hole in the floor and slowly peels of layers of clothing until he’s dick-naked, then layers of skin until he’s all disgusting flesh and blood, and then layers of meat until he’s all bones. All the while as hot chicks roller skate around him. Banned all over the place. Brilliant.
1. Prodigy – Smack My Bitch Up
Jonas Akerlund’s brilliant video with the drunken protagonist and the eventful night out. Heavy drinking, suggestive lyrics and a killer ending. Beats the “Crying Game” on KO in the first round.
I am sure there are even better examples, but I stopped watching MTV years ago, so ask somebody else.
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The Far-fetch
Steely Dan are asking for Owen Wilson to publicly apologize for stealing a song of theirs for the title of his new movie, “You, Me and Dupree”. Never mind that the Steely Dan song in question is called “Cousin Dupree”, and that nowhere in the lyrics is “you, me and Dupree” mentioned. Instead it is an incestuous song about a guy wanting to fuck his little cousin Janine. Did Steely Dan expect to collect favors from a whole future world ever using the name “Dupree”? Maybe they should sue all incest victims for copyright-infringement, too?
Owen Wilson said that he doesn’t know what they are talking about. He has never heard the song and has never heard of “this gentleman Mr. Steely Dan” either.
Brilliant. If I have to explain why, you’re too dumb to be in on it anyway.
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The Sale
If you have followed my articles at all, you may remember that I once wrote a piece on why iTunes will kill the creative music scene, and be the very reason why there will never ever be another Metallica or Led Zeppelin. You should read it. I think it’s the one piece I would duct tape to a far-space probe for the afterworld to read – just so I could say I was right. Anyway, now, finally, Metallica gave in and are making their first four albums available for download – with live bonus tracks, of course.
We have come full circle. Not because of the irony of Napster and the theft-issues, but because they have now officially joined what will eradicate their credibility altogether – what little remained. Once you sell your soul to iTunes you’re fucked.
Do you know whose songs you cannot buy on iTunes? That’s right... Led Zeppelin.
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The Floater
A woman drowned in the Barker Reservoir, in Boulder County, last Friday. Makes you wonder. You know when they find a turd floating in the pool and they have to empty the whole damn thing to clean it? Is that on the level of a human carcass in your drinking water, or do you just filter twice and swallow?
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The Warranty
Did you know that most major brand car dealerships will work their asses off to void your warranty? Of course you did, but I am an idiot so I didn’t. When I went to my Nissan dealer to have them fix a clunking sound, they wanted to see all past receipts for completed engine services before even touching the car with a remote controlled barge pole. Of course I hadn’t brought them, and of course I couldn’t find them, since they are in storage somewhere. (Plus, it was mostly done off the books by a mechanic friend at his shop in NY.) So because I didn’t have a $20 receipt of service for my brand spanking new $40,000 car they wanted to void my warranty. Live and learn. A friend sorted me out with the technical issues, and now I will just go to a regular mechanic until I have built up enough service receipts to go have other warranty shit done. (Thanks, OD.)
I rented a Murano while my Quest was in the shop and I liked it. The wind noise was annoying, and the pickup is hopefully better on the higher-end models, but it was very comfortable. Maybe I’ll trade.
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tHE cAP
You know... If there was one fucking function I wish they would add as a feature to my Word program, it is to be able to reverse caps-locked text into lower case text. Sometimes I don't look up for 20 minutes, only to find I have accidentally hit Caps Lock somewhere along the way, two pages ago, and everything ever after is fucked up. Just to highlight and then "make lowercase" would be great. Thanks.
(Waiting for thousands of mails from adoring fans telling me I already have that function but that I am to stupid to find it.)
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