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Welcome to my utmost random thoughts on random shit that really doesn't matter much.
This is where my mind takes a dump.
~ Sticks, Stones and Funnybones ~
Part 25 - The Injustice
The Injustice
This week’s Scissors will be short, gay, Hollywoodish and unfocused, since I already wrote a special of sorts this week on the two Border Patrol Agents facing 20 years for doing their job. The Attorney general decided to prosecute them for chasing a Mexican Drug Smuggler off American soil, shooting him in the ass after he pulled a gun on them. He got away, though. That was the only mistake the agents did. The fact that they impounded 800 lbs of marijuana from the back of the van the guy left behind doesn’t seem to matter in this case. The US Attorney Office dug the smuggler up in Mexico, brought him to America and granted him immunity from all drug and trespassing charges as long as he testified against the two agents about the wrongs he had suffered.
Jesus tap-dancing Gonzalez.
Read it HERE, and make up your own damn mind.
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Oh, well... on to the essential banalities of life instead:
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The Good News
Forget about Israel and Lebanon. Forget about North Korean nukes and the ozone layer. Never mind Mel Gibson’s drunken antics or Paris Hilton’s latest skankeries. We finally have some real news. Some good news!
Kate Hudson dumped Chris Robinson.
I know, it doesn’t sound like much, but that is because you don’t have your priorities straight. And, no, this has nothing to do with Hudson now being fair game for your sad loser ass.
What this means is that the Black Crowes can now get together and actually write great music again. Ever since Kate Hudson dug her claws into the Black Crowes singer they have sucked, split up and reunited to suck again. She Yoko-Ono’d them to death.
The other Robinson brother, Rich, had a great fucking band called Hookah Brown during Chris’ marital time-out, and if anything the two of them write together now in Black Crowes is even half as good as the Hookah material was, then we’re in for some timeless rock’n’roll again! I am sure you can Kazaa the shit out of Hookah Brown, so go ahead and do yourself a favor – it’s worth it.
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The Mutt
A rural legend died in Maine a week ago – or so they say. Apparently this mysterious Wolf-Monster that has been haunting the quaint villages for the last decade or so was found road killed at the side of a road. I don’t know, you tell me… What is this fucking thing? Is it Bigfoot’s mutt?
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The Little Black Mess
Being African is the new black – in every sense of the word. Angelina Jolie adopted a kid (or two?), Brad Pitt is pretending to dig it, Madonna adopted a whole village, and now Gwyneth Paltrow has announced that she is “African”, as a publicity stunt in the “Keep a Child Alive” campaign.
Yeah, whenever I think of tribal Africans dancing around a steaming pot full of missionaries, I think of Gwyneth Paltrow. No, wait... wrong missionary.
Seriously, though. Paltrow is whiter than the pure driven snow and the thought of her setting foot outside the Ritz Carlton in Cairo without an armed escort of white men is ludicrous and makes the campaign into a joke. What’s next? Michael Jackson joining the cause? Cracker, please.
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The Derailing Train of Thought
I really wanted to catch the live debut of the new white trash hope Fed-X on the Teen Choice Awards this weekend. Some sado-masochistic side of me wanted to slowly cruise by the scene of the accident, sucking it all in while it was still fresh and bleeding. Fortunately, I guess my common sense kicked in and effectively side-tracked me until I found myself at the movie theater instead, watching “Pirates of the Caribbean 2” and enjoying the hell out of it. Best matinee style movie since forever. Captain Blood meets Indiana Jones and kicks his ass. Great stuff. Not Fed-X… the Pirates. And I guess it wasn’t common sense, but ADD.
Speaking of great movies… Jet Li has announced that “Fearless" will be his last martial art epic, and that “Rogue” (in production now) will be his last martial art movie, period. The greatest screen martial artist of all time is retiring.
Did you know he was the Chinese Wushu (Kung Fu) champion ever since the age of 14, winning the title 5 years straight after that, and that he grew up in a Shaolin temple after his parents died when he was a toddler? Unlike most action actors, Jet Li, just like Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee before him, is the real fucking deal. He really could do most of the stunts he pulls in the movies. Except for the flying part. I don’t think he can fly more than a few hundred yards, or jump higher than a smaller elephant. He is, after all, retiring.
A lot of people don’t know anything. Dolph Lundgren, Drago in Rocky IV, was a Kyokushin Kai black belt and a kickboxing champion, and broke five of Stallone’s ribs with one punch when Sly told him to actually hit him during the shoot of the scene. After that they developed the infamous Rocky style of movie boxing instead – with all punches to the head.
Sly is cool though. He always did all his own stunts, in every movie. Did you know he wrote, directed and shopped the first Rocky movie around for ages before it was picked up? That was his baby. He was a screenplay writer for years before becoming an actor in his own brain child project.
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The End
That's it, kids. I don't know how Sebastian does it. Hollywood makes my skin crawl. I will be harder than your old Uncle Daddy on Viagra next weekend - brace yourselves.
Let me just say that I don't think that Karr dude is the guy who killed Benet all those years ago. He says it was an accident, but is way too cool about it. Psychos usually revel in the fact that they don't get caught because their crime was so "ingenious". His was an "accident". Doesn't fit the profile. On the other hand, the fact that this guy is crazier than a shithouse bat is undisputable. You know he was banging his cock in Bangkok until the cows came home, and then decided to face some music in America instead, rather than rotting away in a Thai prison.
I don't care what that fuck did as long as they nail him for something. Fucking creep belongs behind bars. You can just tell he's been up to no good. I hear he was going for a sex change operation. That will take all of 20 seconds and a rusty razor in prison, courtesy of Big Monk the Fag Bonk. Viva la justice!
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