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Welcome to my utmost random thoughts on random shit that really doesn't matter much.
This is where my mind takes a dump.
~ Sticks, Stones and Funnybones ~
Part 26 - The Outcast
The Outcast
What’s the first thing people say when they hear Pluto is no longer considered a planet? Right:
“Awwwww! Poor Pluto!”
Size matters, just ask my wife. Pluto was fired as a real planet by the International Astronomical Union as it’s considered too small and flops around in space in too crooked of a solar orbit to be counted in with the big players. Pluto is now instead thrown into the brand new category of “Dwarf Planets” together with its moon Charon, the huge lump of ice Xena and the elusive rock Ceres (earlier supposed to be named our tenth planet instead, or even eleventh if Pluto's moon Charon would have passed its classification as a "double-planet").
After many decades of mumbling and grumbling in the halls of World Astronomy, a classification of what makes or breaks a planet has been established:
"Planet: a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit."
Since Pluto also rotates around a gravital nexus between itself and its largest moon, Charon, it is disqualified on that point as well.
Hey, at least it’s round.
Will this affect your life in any way? Hardly, since you think the damn thing was named after a cartoon dog anyway.
Just roll on, my little tumbleweeds.
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The Criminal Masterminds
So, a Fox News reporter and his camera man were kidnapped by the Holy Jihad Brigade, a previously unknown Islamic extremist group demanding the release of assorted Muslims out of American jails and detention centers.
How convenient.
See, if I was Israel, and wanted to, say, sway world opinion in my favor, and also get America to join my cause with the big guns – I would kidnap a couple of Americans, name myself “Mohammed Rocks” (or even better, "The Holy Jihad Brigade") and then make all sorts of outrageous demands on world television, rattling an Arab saber in the face of America and then decapitate the captives on prime time.
Since we seem to think that kidnappings warrant warfare, that should do the trick and finally entice America into some serious Arab ass kicking – from an Israeli point of view, of course.
Again, that’s just me.
I am also the guy who always advocates that we should not try to understand extremists by using our own rigid mind frames, but rather try to think of it as reasoning with insane people. Insane people with an agenda.
Seriously… We take all the time in the world to empty Gatorade bottles at the airports while a real die hard Islamic fundamentalist fuckhead has sewn three bricks of C4 into the stomach of the heavily sedated baby his wife is pushing in the stroller – already cleared for Flight 957 towards London.
To understand these fuckheads you have to think like them, not like you.
I would make a great security consultant, or terrorist, since I can envision any fucked up scenario plausible to man, and even some of the non-plausible ones – just in case.
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The Glib
As we all know by now Tom Cruise was fired from Paramount Studios because he is a bit of a fuckhead. Now he is threatening the world with starting up a movie company of his own. Maybe he could get together with fellow scientology fuckhead John Travolta and make movies out of all Hubbard’s books? Then again, who would be the Grand Master in that outfit? I see a split down the line; Tomcruisology going one way, and Johntravoltology going the other. We need more kooky UFO religions to make fun of.
Maybe, if we’re really lucky, Cruise will lose it one day and barricade himself on a farm somewhere, shooting at cops with a Lazer Tagz gun, hollering for ET to come bail his ass out. Katie will be watching the shit on TV, laughing her ass off – with millions in the bank and the damn kid doped up on Benadryl in the crib in the other room.
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The Cake
My wife was watching some Food Network cooking show the other day, and I couldn’t help but overhearing (overlooking?) how some welfare Martha Stewart wannabe, filmed in 80’s soap glow, was making a chocolate birthday cake for her brother with Zucchini and Tofu in it. The end result was 50% less bad for you, than if it had been made with the real stuff instead.
If you’re that fucking anal, on your birthday, about the shit you eat… Why not make the fattest fucking cake in the world and just eat half as much?
People are idiots, and I don’t even like cake.
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The Fishermen
Three Mexican fishermen were rescued after spending 9 months (!) adrift at sea. They were plastered all over TV and revered as living miracles of God’s grace. Or were they? Turns out the guys’ story about going shark fishing and getting caught in a storm, and only surviving by drinking rainwater and eating fish, while reading passages of the Bible to each other, was a little thin. Turns out they were a bunch of cocaine smugglers and that there were two more of them when they set out. The three survivors had killed their two buddies and eaten them for a snack throughout their ordeal.
The story cracked at the seams as authorities questioned whether 5 men in a tiny little speed boat would really be out deep sea shark fishing. There was absolutely no room for a shark in the boat, had they managed to land one.
Idiots.
For some obscure reason that reminds of the two Swedish bankrobbers who knocked over a bank and fled on the canals of Stockholm in a little rubber boat, cleverly evading the heavy lunch hour traffic that way. If only they had remembered to put gas in the damn boat, that is. They were found 300 yards later, sitting in still waters like retarded ducks, arguing like a couple of kids, to the amusement of the thousands of tourists frequenting the waterfront cafes, snapping pictures of the two idiots.
And even dumber… A guy in Austria went into a bank and handed over a note to the cashier, informing her that this was a robbery and that she should hand over the dough. She handed him the note back and informed him that he was in fact in Town Hall, and that the bank was three blocks down. He escaped into the woods, but was caught the day after when he came back to pick up his moped that he had parked in front of the “bank”.
I would make a great bank robber. If I wasn’t such a paragon of principles and virtue that is.
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The State of Emergency
A goddamn hurricane is heading for us idiots who live in Florida again. Before I moved here I always asked myself, “Who is so damn dumb that they move to a place where they are barely done cleaning up the mess from yesteryear’s storms, as the new ones come crashing down?” Well, now I know. It’s dumbasses such as I.
What the hell happened? I went from Sweden, to London, to New York to an apartment in Florida where I have to shake the slippers in the mornings so the Scorpions won’t win the day? Sharks patrol the waters, old people swerve all over the roads and the price of roast beef is just as high as in The City.
Wanna know what is worst? The people… No offense, but Floridians are fucking stupid. Nothing personal, but they should all be set adrift at sea with a bunch of Mexican drug smugglers.
A bunch of shiny happy fake-teethed PTA moms with sticks of righteousness so far up their asses they are coughing splinters. I have never ever seen worse drivers either, and it doesn’t help to honk. If you lay on the horn in NY you will either get in a fight or get the guy to move, but here they don’t even notice you, but instead happily drive on in two lanes at the same time, doing 30. As you pass them and helpfully suggest where they should file away their driving license by utilizing international sign language, they just shake their heads at the rudeness of those “damn Yankees” without ever realizing they were at fault to begin with. No wonder they lost the damn war – they never know what hit them until you shove it in their face, and then they whine about it.
I can’t wait for the kid to graduate Middle School so we can get the hell outta here.
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One week ago...
Pluto as a planet
Today...
Not a planet
