 | ||||||
| ||||||
Welcome to my utmost random thoughts on random shit that really doesn't matter much.
This is where my mind takes a dump.
~ Sticks, Stones and Funnybones ~
Part 29 - The Rose
The Rose
Rosie O’Donnell has gotten trashed in the media, left and right, for making the statement that radical Christians are just as bad as radical Muslims. Hey, don’t knock it, kids. It’s true. Religious radicals, in every shape or form, are the stuff evil is made of. Before you think one religion is better than another, put Koresh and Jim Jones next to some Ayatollah and see who makes the most sense. And before you whine about that statement not being a fair comparison, since those people operated on different scales; what do you think a country run by some Christian right wing nut would look like? Death penalty for abortions, stoning for adultery, rejection from community for any little sin, ignorance, intolerance and extreme opinions… See, it’s all just different shades of shit in the sewer.
I don’t know how much harm radical Buddhist monks could do, but, hey, Jet Li could kick the Pope’s ass any day, so let’s hope we never find out.
- - - - - - - - - - -
The Pope
Speaking of the Pope… He is in hot water with the Middle East for sneaking a few anti-Muslim remarks into a speech he made at a German college. He pretty much said that Mohammed had brought evil into the world and that Muslims can’t solve problems without resorting to violence. Of course the Muslim world answered by burning papal effigies, American flags, chanting for war and world domination, and killing a nun. Case in point.
Since this is all turning into a religious affair anyway, let’s humor them. Let’s see what happens if the Pope reinstates the Crusades. I bet you the enrollment to participate in some medieval Vatican warfare would beat any US draft.
- - - - - - - - - - -
The Hot
Did you see Matt Lauer interviewing Debra La Fave last week? You know, the hot hot teacher who had sex with her 14 year old student. Granted, we wouldn’t be having this discussion if she looked like Rosie O’Donnell, but she doesn’t. She is fucking hot. Hot female teachers should be granted immunity by default. As far as I am concerned, no crime was committed. The kid got laid and will forever cherish the blowjobs and vaginal cumshots he shared with his hot teacher, until the day he dies. She may be a bona fide nutcase, but that is not illegal last time I checked. Now, if she was ugly, or male, it’s a totally different story. Death penalty.
- - - - - - - - - - -
The Jungle
And on the subject of Fave… I think the stupidest show to ever hit the air waves is Flavor Flave’s “Flavor of Love”. Have you seen it? A bunch of ghetto chicks compete with each other, through intrigues and conspiracies in his big mansion, to be the next pretty thing on Flave’s arm. It’s so fucking bad, it’s like crack. You just can’t go back, once you have started watching the damn thing. You know, with our luck, this is the one show aliens are tuning into to decipher the human psyche, drawing up plans and strategies for social interaction with us, once they land here. The death rays will be raining down from the sky any time soon. Next time you watch the damn show, picture a flock of apes chattering, howling and showing their teeth, instead of trying to understand the inane ghetto slang hurled back and forth. I was waiting for them to squat and fling shit at each other, when my wife informed me that in one episode a girl had actually taken a shit on the floor. Classy.
Flavor Flave just has to be the ugliest fucking human being on the planet.
- - - - - - - - - - -
The Weird
Celebrity deaths always arouse some interest. Anna Nicole Smith’s son died just three days after her new kid was born. If I was a heartless bastard I would say “balance in the universe”. If I was one of those anthropologist alien fuckheads I would investigate whether the galactic quota of genetic stupidity occypying the same space had been exceeded, and implosion was inevitable.
But since I am a nice guy, I will just say, “my condolences”. Nobody deserves to lose a kid. Except maybe Michael Jackson’s dad.
- - - - - - - - - - -
The Kid-F
Seamleassly, we get to Britney Spears’ kid. She had another one, you know; delivered through a c-section a couple of days before her other kid’s birthday. Supposedly, according to the pre-nup, Fed-X will receive more money, in the event of a divorce, for every kid the couple has together. Now he has to sit back and wonder, though. On one hand he can keep impregnating Britney like some baby-factorized cow, building a nest egg of future cash – but on the other hand, maybe he’d be better off trying to get his wife back into somewhat fuckable shape, so she can go out on tour and make them more money instead? Hmmm… More money for the long haul, or more money now? Choices. It’s not easy being a little Fed-X.
- - - - - - - - - - -
The Shootings
Two shootings, in two schools, in one week, and one foiled plan to massacre a whole high school. Canada, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. In the case of the Canadian shooting, a young VampireFreaks.com follower in a black trench coat, sporting a Mohawk, shot one woman to death and wounded 20 others – before taking his own life. In the Pennsylvanian shooting two black men shot five black basketball players at a school dance. In Wisconsin three seniors were apprehended before they could carry out plans to shoot every single kid in their high school. Apparently they were obsessed with the Columbine killings, and wanted to walk that path to immortality.
I wonder who the media is going to blame this time? I mean, Alice Cooper, Marilyn Manson, Ozzy Osbourne Judas Priest and Black Sabbath are not exactly the flavor of the week. Should we blame video games? Should we blame the internet? Should we blame Mr. T? Should we blame rap music?
Hey, I know… Let’s blame the parents, because I would fucking know if my kid had three M-16s under her bed. I would know if she was playing Columbine role playing games on the internet. I would know whether she was bullied in school or not, contemplating suicide. You know why I would know? Because I care enough to be on her fucking case, 24-7, making sure she stays on the straight path. I love her enough to make her feel she is always safe, no matter what happens in the rest of the world.
Sometimes I wish these fucking postal kids would just drain their gene pool a little, by offing their parents, too, before they off themselves.
Most people are not born fuckheads. They are grown up to be fuckheads. And if they are still kids when they act on their fuckheadedness, then it’s half the parents’ fault for not raising them better.
- - - - - - - - - - -
The Space
Russia launched a couple of tourists into space this past weekend. The travellers apparently paid $20,000,000 (but in Russian currency – which could probably buy you three gold mines in Gulag, bribe half the government, start your own mafia and still hire on the whole country as maid and butler for ten years to come) to be shot out in orbit around earth, and even dock with the foul smelling space station Mir for seven days.
See, when I dream of going into space (which I do, because I am such a nerd) I think of zooming through the vastness of the Universe, riding stellar winds and surfing cosmic dust, to explore the far corners of the mystery of all and everything. Spending a week in a rusty old orbital shithouse, sharing a bowl of pea soup out of a toothpaste tube with some smelly drunken Cosmonaut who hasn’t gotten laid since the fall of the Berlin Wall, doesn’t really do it for me.
Also… Some Russian politician caught wind off the fact that Madonna wanted to go to space one day, and even suggested in the Russian Congress, the Duma, that they should work together to fulfill her dream. I don’t know if this has anything to do with how opposed most of Old Russia was about Madonna performing her controversial stage show on the Russian tour – with live crucifixions and burning gay dancers and shit. Back in the day they sent all the undesirables to Siberia – now they send them into orbit?
I can think of a number of people we could sell to the Russians for spacial disposal:
Michael Jackson (there’s a warrant out for his arrest on his home planet – third degree embryonic tentacling)
Paris Hilton (send the bitch into the sun, to finally validate her one and only life sentiment: “that’s hot”)
Axl Rose (because it would be interesting to see exactly where he would go when he throws a fit at the space station and storms out… into space without a suit? We should be so lucky.
Lindsay Lohan (because Russian spacefarers need some loving too, and then she can get drunk and bitch about how hard her life is and just not show up for breakfast the next day, roaming some nearby asteroid for something to snort instead)
Tom Cruise (because “glib” means “bat shit crazy” in Russian, and Mir needs a new hood ornament anyway)
- - - - - - - - - - -
The Warranty
I have my (almost) brand new car in at the dealership, since it won’t start, and it’s a toss up whether they will honor the warranty or not – because that is what major car manufacturing corporate headquarters do. I won’t find out until they have picked apart the engine and found the problem. Either it’s going to be free of charge or I will have to sell my mother-in-law into slavery to pay for one oil filter and then put the rest on a stolen credit card. I can hear the black wind howling in the distance. Will it blow this way, or chase the clouds away?
Corporate business fucking sucks. At least with a used beaten up old Crown Vic you harbor no delusions about being taken care of.
