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Welcome to my utmost random thoughts on random shit that really doesn't matter much.
This is where my mind takes a dump.
~ Sticks, Stones and Funnybones ~
Part 3 - The Awards
The Awards 1
So, the Single Malt World Cup was held last week in Stockholm and our DRS representative, Sebastian Bullhorn, lost in the quarter finals. No, seriously, the championship was held but dealt with such trifling things as flavor, aroma, and other subtleties that most of us could never discern anyway.
Three categories, three winners:
* Best Smokey Single Malt: Ardbeg, Scotland
* Best Malt Aged in Sherry Barrels: Glenfarclas, Scotland
* Best Malty Single Malt: Yoichi, Japan
Yes, Japan. Supposedly it wiped the tables with its Scottish colleagues and is unfortunately NOT available to buy outside Japan. Elitist fucks.
Of course, the judges dropped comments like “multi-faceted” and “delusionally complex” while describing the whiskies as “nutty with a hint of seaweed and vanilla” and “bitter-almondy fruity”. I’ve always wondered if the classes these people take to get to be whisky judges are just crash courses in Oxy-Moronic Adverb/Adjective Linguistics.
Just serve it up with ice and shut the hell up. (I like my Jack Daniels with fresh apple juice. I guess I am a fucking barbarian that way.)
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The Awards 2
And then more awards were handed out. In this case the Grammy Awards. Tons of princes and princesses of pop were huddled together in their seats, waiting to hear their names called by has-been announcers and bitter rivals, all pretending to be happy for each other. Where the hell is Oasis when you need them?
I am not even going to comment on the different awards. Who gives a shit? It’s the fucking Grammy Awards, people! How do they nominate these people for the different categories anyway? Spin the (empty) bottle? Rob Thomas is rock? And Coldplay too? And what is the difference between “Single of the Year”, “Record of the Year” and “Song of the Year”? They are all referring to a hit song of the year.
Slipknot won this year’s Jethro Tull Award and John Legend received the Kiss of Death Award. Actually, they made sure to show Alicia Keys on camera as much as possible – she is, after all, the only artist to ever survive the Best Newcomer Award. (Norah Jones says hi from the other side.)
I heard that some music journalist wrote that this was announcer Sly Stone’s first public appearance since “Spy Kids 3D”. Apparently Rocky was fucking black.
I am purposely not mentioning the Irish Band That Shall Not Be Named since one of our editors seems to think I definitely should. I am such a rebel. Bite me.
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The Anti-Christ
In related news: Barry Manilow is #1 on this week’s Billboard Top 200, and “Monster Ballads Platinum” with Warrant and Kix debuted at #18. Did someone just stick a cattle prod in my ear to give my brain a reality check? I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or just roll over and agree. The world of pop is approaching Armageddon. Take cover. The Anti-Christ is sounding his trumpet.
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The Super Hero
Bush tried to convince us that he single-handedly foiled a terrorist attack intended to wreck havoc in downtown LA in 2002. Apparently, he donned a cape and flew across the world to root out some Taliban villain who was hiding in an Ice Palace in China. He bravely zapped him with his Laser Vision of Justice and melted the bad guy’s castle into a pile of slush. In the wet remains the diabolical plans to fly an airliner into an LA skyscraper were found. The incredible Bush Man has once again saved the day!
At least, that is what we’re supposed to think. Who's gonna check them? For all we know, Cheney just wrote a bunch of “plans” on the back of some Dunkin Donuts napkins at a meeting in the White House and then pulled that one out of a hat.
“The war on terror is working!” the President said triumphantly. If you say so. Hoorah, I guess… We will never know, will we? Politics - a double-edged sword in the hands of a half-wit puppet with Super Powers. I feel safer already.
Hand me the fucking Kryptonite, somebody! Just in case...
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The Cartoons
I already talked about this, but it is worth mentioning again… Now Indonesian Muslim extremists are threatening to kill all Danish people in Indonesia (all 3 of them?) and the Danish Government are pulling their people out of there. It seems the Muslims finally learned their lesson from the best (us): Only pick on people smaller than you!
Fucking Jamaica could take the Danish.
This whole shit is getting played fast. By reacting like they did to these cartoons, the Muslims fell into the trap like a bunch of retarded gazelles at Ted Nugent’s Big Game Hunting Weekend. They have in one self-inflicted stroke defined and confirmed all the exaggerated stereotypes us westerners had of them. They really ARE that fucked up. No shit. We don’t have to feel bad about being prejudiced ignorant fucks anymore – we were right all along. Now the Iranian president (Prime Minister / Head Fascist / Whatever) has called for his people to draw up the funniest cartoons of the holocaust they can instead.
What’s next? Who’s daddy is going to beat up who’s daddy first? The Trinity wins the fight in sheer numbers alone. Then again… Jesus has been known to fold when the shit hits the fan, turning the other cheek and shit.
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The Rape
A woman in Saarbrücken, Germany, was allegedly raped by a pit bull terrier. No, I am not making this shit up. You don’t think I have better things to do? Like reporting real news, for instance? Couldn’t find any, fucking sue me. Apparently this guy picked up this chick at a Beer House and took her home. After they had consensual sex he decided to let his 100 lb. pit bull have his way with her. Whether the sex was consensual or not, between her and the dog, is between her and the dog. She filed a police report for bestial rape and the guy is locked up awaiting trial, where he could face 15 years. I hear the dog is still dating the girl. It’s the old Boy meets Girl, Girl meets Dog story, I guess.
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The Overkill
A first grader in the Philadelphia area was suspended last week for sexually harassing a fellow classmate. Apparently the little perv stuck his hand under the dress-waistband of a little girl he was playing with. The school screamed bloody murder and the kid was suspended for three days.
Of course this is retarded.
If getting frisky with the girls had been a crime back in elementary school, I should have been given the chair by second grade.
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The Hot
Jenna Jameson just revealed that she did Jenny McCarthy in a bathroom stall at a restaurant last Halloween. I never particularly liked Jenny McCarthy much, but the thought of her being done by Jenna Jameson is nonetheless inspiring. Hell, Jenna could do a cucumber and most guys would be ordering tzatziki that day.
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The Case
Thank fucking God the jury threw out the Japanese Steakhouse Shrimp Case. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Apparently this guy, Jerry Colaitis, who ducked trying to avoid a shrimp that the chef flicked through the air in a Japanese steakhouse, came down with some sort of numbness in his arm months later that took surgery to rectify it. Five months after the surgery he died from a fever, supposedly due to “post-operation complications”. The wife, Mrs. Colaitis, claimed it was because of the recklessly flicked shrimp that night at the restaurant that wrenched her husband’s neck out of shape when he ducked to avoid it, that started his downfall and, ultimately, caused his death. She sued the steakhouse for $10,000,000.
The jury threw it out. Apparently there is a limit to the retardedness in court cases, even in America.
Then again, it’s all connected:
Shrimp flies through the air
Butterfly flutters his wings
Storm takes out New Orleans
(Yes, the haiku works. That’s “nawrleens”, with two syllables, to you ignorant foreigners.)
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The Opening
No, I didn’t catch the Olympic opening ceremony so I can’t comment on it. I was at the annual Father-Daughter Dance, making a fake Travolta ass out of myself. I dance kinda like the Pink Panther - but maybe more like the White Panther. Or make that: the Suburban Wonder Bread Stick Up My White Ass Panther... The Couldn't Find the Beat if I Was Duct Taped to Michael Jackson's Ass Panther (that was the Mental Image of the Day - you're welcome).
The Olympics. Bah. I'll catch it next time. What is it? Four years?
Priorities.
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