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Welcome to my utmost random thoughts on random shit that really doesn't matter much.
This is where my mind takes a dump.
~ Sticks, Stones and Funnybones ~
Part 31 - The Revenge
The Revenge
A convict in Indiana, sentenced for the killing of a 10-year old girl, was jumped in prison the other day, and ended up with a nice tattoo:
See, I think that is a practice that should be encouraged. Our society may be too fucking candy-assed to put these people to death, or even away for life, so why not let some good old fashioned prison justice mark them for life?
Hey, don’t knock it. It worked back when lepers had to walk around with a bell at the end of a long stick.
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The Guitar
The internet, or rather, YouTube.com, has been all abuzz with the arrival of a new guitar hero. This kid, ‘FunTwo’, even made most of the world’s news shows for all the hits his little video racked up. He has had over 13,000,000 views. Pretty good, huh? CNN called him “prodigious”, and other prominent media shows have fallen in line behind the same sentiment. This kid is a musical genius. Wow! Let’s all be bedazzled by his awesome skills!
I don’t get it.
This kid is just like any other basement player out there, wasting away in his parents’ house, while entertaining a talent for above average, but highly unimaginative, playing.
The “kid” in question is no mystery. His name is Lim Jeong-Hyun and he’s 23 years old. A Korean college student who just plays along an already established arrangement of an old Pachelbel theme; “Canon”.
Big whoop.
To anybody, with any experience of playing the same instrument, it is no big whoop. Believe me. Just browsing quickly through YouTube, I found at least ten basement players that all wiped the floor with this guy’s ass.
For instance, check out Brazilian guy OZIELZINHO for a lesson in better basement rip-offs:
Yeah, I know, he misses the beginning, has a limp tone and takes a few shortcuts, but still… His version of “Far Beyond the Sun” is better than what Yngwie himself can muster these days - and I know that for an actual fact, since I have had the displeasure to hear the old fat dude play it to me one-on-one after a clinic once. Sloppy ass motherfucker.
Take my word for it. Basement players are all afraid of the big bad world, and would rather rot away in their boy-rooms, over-dubbing old classics with generic wizardry, than go out there and actually put their good talents to use. These guys all work as software engineers in a cubicle somewhere during the day.
Here's a video of the original Guitar Hero, back in 1983, when he wasn't a fat loser:
And who replaced Yngwie in Alcatrazz? That's right:
Or if you just wanna crack out on some fast shred:
God, I am such a fucking dork.
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The Shootings
So, since we talked about those high school and college shootings, another three have taken place, with fatal results. Another one was foiled before it had a chance to succeed. What the fuck?
I don’t know about you (well, I do – but let’s just say I don’t), but when I was a kid there was no possible way I could have walked into a school with a gun to blow the other kids away. Why? Because I was a saint? Fuck no, but because I couldn’t have gotten hold of a gun. See, in Sweden guns are banned. All I could have done is to run into the school and, in fantabulous Izzard-fashion, yell “Bang Bang”, and maybe been beaten to shit for being a damn dork.
Firearm availability, a desensitized society and stupid ass parents will bury us faster than Al-Qaeda (who we are supposedly really arming us against) ever could.
The fucking Arabs can just pry this country from our cold dead hands, after your fucking kids have killed us all.
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The Mistake
My grandmother’s retirement community is funny as fuck. She lives in one of those “high end” parks, that is really just a glorified trailer park with a guard booth in front.
Anyway, it turns out that the President of the Park Association had new bathrooms installed in the club house, courtesy of the Community Chest. Since these people are all richer than Midas on Crystal Meth, they have godzillions in that fund. This is also because they never ever spend anything outside their measly pensions. God forbid they would actually treat themselves to some good shit while here on Earth. Last year they learned that they could spend ONE DOLLAR less per month if they switched from one cable company to another. The all took a vote and 700 homes had to be rewired and re-noded for a new cable company, making their monthly bills $33, instead of $34. These old kooks end friendships over a dime at Bingo Night.
So when the new ambitious presidents decided to splurge, and install 24 K gold faucets in the new bathrooms, and have Italian marble on all counters, he naturally committed social suicide. My grandmother just called to inform me the park is having an "emergency meeting in the club house" tonight, in regards to the expense of the new Golden Toilets.
Picture, if you will, those villagers marching on Frankenstein’s castle, torches ablaze and murder in their eyes, and you wouldn’t be far off. Only these old bats march at 0.5 mph, dragging IVs and Oxygen tanks behind them, shuffling down the street on walkers behind the leaders up on their Jazzy Scooters.
God have mercy on that poor dude’s soul.
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The Sleeper
George Michael was found asleep at the wheel in London again. He was blocking the traffic in an intersection, and when the cops arrived they found weed in his car. This fucking guy needs help. This is the fourth time in 7 months he’s arrested – all for the same thing: falling asleep in his car with drugs on his person.
Does he ooze out of bed in the middle of the night, shuffle into his Mercedes, roll a joint and drive down the highway with a blank stare until he runs out of gas, blasting Grateful Dead on the Bose stereo?
See, rich people even sleepwalk better than us mere mortals. We just roll out of bed and stub our toes on the damn Barbie House in the hallway.
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The New Order
South Korea’s foreign minister is voted Most Likely to take over the role as the UN Secretary General after Kofi Annan.
See, this doesn’t sit well with me. We all know the UN is a limp as my dead grandfather’s dick these days, but maybe that has been the plan all along? All these little fuckhead countries have gotten away with murder for so long, trying the patience of the once so mighty UN, that they are ready to take over the world now. A new Security Council with Russia, Iran, Pakistan, Venezuela, China, Syria and France is just around the corner. Mark my words.
Remember… South Korea joined forces with North Korea during this year’s Olympics.
Say no more.
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The Power
Oprah Winfrey “won” the title as the 8th most powerful woman in the world recently. I personally think Tyra Banks will kick her off the Daytime TV Talk Show Throne soon.
Don’t tell me The Tyra Banks Book Club doesn’t sound more appealing than Oprah’s insomnia remedies? Plus, Tyra is sneaky. She had Naomi on one week, burying the hatchet with her on national television after years of mutual hatred, and then she had Naomi’s assistant on the week after, telling the tale of years of employed abuse. Funny.
Plus, Tyra is way hotter than Oprah. I would even go black for her, if I wasn’t married. (Yeah, that is the obstacle, of course.)
Hillary Clinton is probably choking on her Adam’s apple as she wasn’t even on the list. Maybe it’s that cold psychosis, burning in her rabid stare? It’s a turn-off.
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The Car
Finally got our car back from the shop. The end result? WE GOT A BRAND NEW ENGINE – COVERED UNDER WARRANTY!!! We won that fucker of a battle, and I am so relieved I could just have diarrhea for a week. This has been one hell of a week, waiting for the “sentence”, so I am just going to get drunk and beat the dogs tonight.
