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Welcome to my utmost random thoughts on random shit that really doesn't matter much.
This is where my mind takes a dump.
~ Sticks, Stones and Funnybones ~
Part 4 - The Shame
The Shame
The Olympic Hockey Tournament will be the death of me. I admit it; I easily get rather bent out of shape when my team loses, and Jesus fucking Disney Christ on Ice did my team lose big on Thursday. Sweden lost against Russia with 0 – 5. I think I had some sort of aneurysm after Kozlov shoved the fourth goal so far up my ass that I choked on my spit when I coughed and blood shot out of my ears. My family pretty much locks themselves in one of the bedrooms on game days.
Honestly, I really think that the General Manager of Team Sweden should publicly apologize to the Swedish people for losing this game and then flog himself with a handy little whip. Maybe let some of us take a turn, just for good measure.
Speaking of the Olympics... It’s nice to see that it’s still 1983 somewhere in the world. I am, of, course referring to the Figure Skating competitions. What’s up with the fucking outfits? They all look like Linda Evans at a masque ball… the guys too. The chicks look like they dove face-first into a bucket of make-up.
I also love to see the figure skaters get into some rather complex part of their program, making elaborate movements to their music of choice, concentrating like crazy to make it all flow, only to fall on their ass as the retarded audience starts to clap – out of sync – missing the beat by a mile.
So many events in the Olympics are dated these days. The fact that they still have Curling, Biathlon and Nordic Combine is horrible. I hope the success with the newly added Snowboarding events will push those old dinosaur sports out of the Olympics for good.
Events we need in the next Games: Slush Ball Dueling, Women’s Naked Snow Wrestling and Yeti Hunting.
I have to include these great quotes from the NBC commentator during the Canada – Switzerland game earlier today:
“And the puck just can’t get through the pile of humanity in front of the goal.”
“Hockey is by far, coast to coast, the biggest team sport in Switzerland” (Alert the Swiss Navy!)
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The Trigger
Dick Cheney shot his old rich geezer friend, Whittington, while hunting in Texas. Apparently our distinguished Vice President pulled the trigger on a 78-year old lawyer and hit him with a swarm of hail in the ass, chest and head. Not only did the guy have to go into intensive care, but he suffered a heart attack two days later when an undiscovered piece of hail dislodged from his ass and traveled to his heart.
Dick Cheney takes full responsibility and admits it was all a mistake and an “accident”.
That is comforting to know when we consider that this is the man who REALLY has his finger on the button too. What? You thought the guys who actually run this country would let an idiot like little Bush Jr. make decisions like that?
Hmmm… Makes you wonder. A mistake. An “accident”. He was “aiming for something else”.
If I was South Korea I would sleep with one eye open from now on. Especially since they paired up with North Korea during the Olympics.
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The Harvest
The state of Washington seized enough marijuana last year to make weed #8 on the state’s list of agricultural commodities. The value of the dope found is estimated to be $270,000,000, ranking just below “greenhouse produce” and kicking “sweet cherries” down a rung. Now, I don’t know how many illegal greenhouses there are out there, or how many cherry dealers in Washington grow the beloved fruit in their living rooms, but my guess is that there are far fewer of them than the people growing weed NOT caught by the police. If we include the sooper seekrit unapprehended pot-farmers out there as well it would make the weed production number even higher. The #1 agricultural commodity in Washington state is apples, with a value of $962 million, and my guess is that the actual value of the dope the police will never find will be around that number, making weed #1 in reality.
Isn’t that fucking funny?
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The Idiot
Britney Spears is still crying about the paparazzi following her around and then in the next sentence she’s telling us how much she misses the spotlight and can’t wait to get back out on tour. Apparently she was driving around with her infant on her lap last week, as Fed-X (or whatever the fuck her dumbass husband’s name is) was in some jewelry store banging out her cards for more chains to wear – making him a little blacker with every passing day. She claims the paparazzi started getting close and personal and she had to drive of for the sake of the safety of her son.
Were the paparazzi going to stab her son? Shoot him point blank in the face? What sounds more threatening to a child’s life or safety? Getting his ugly mutt photographed by some obnoxious pseudo-reporter or getting flattened, unbuckled in a car, by a semi because his mother is a fucking dope?
“The world needs me,” she exclaimed in an interview. Yes, Britney, we need you. Drop Fed-X, put the kid up for adoption, and start doing porn. Thank you.
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The Clue
The parents of Natalee Holloway, the Mississippi teen missing in Aruba, are suing the Dutch boy she was last seen with, claiming that even if he is not proven to be the perpetrator of a crime, he still engaged in criminal behavior with their beloved daughter.
The law suit states, about her last known whereabouts, that "the next hours of Natalee's young life were marked by torment, terror and debasement," adding that she was kept against her will, sexually assaulted and fondled by van der Sloot and "his accomplices" as she "drifted in and out of consciousness".
Sounds like what most girls and guys do on vacation in Aruba. Only, the terror part is on the parent’s end. Most chicks have sex for fun these days.
It always strikes me as funny how parents are so fucking clueless about what their kids are really doing. Why the fuck do you think Natalee and her hot friends went to Aruba and laid around on the beach all day? Why do you think they got hammered every night and went to the night clubs in skimpy outfits? To flex their mental muscles? To harvest lifetime experiences as they embark upon a new journey in their young lives? No, it was to get high and fuck guys they don’t ever have to see again. Well, sometimes it backfires. There is no such thing as safe sex if the guy you go home with chops your head off and sticks you in the freezer – even if he uses a condom.
I’m not saying she deserved to die because she wanted to have a good time - quite the opposite - it’s just that her parents should be smacked with the reality bat about the fact that their kid was a slut. A dead slut, but a slut nonetheless.
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The Pity
Black History Month waddles on. Here in America February is to remind us that we owe the black people an apology for enslaving them and that we should realize how much they have contributed to American Society as a whole.
In real life this means that the kid has to do stupid projects in school that I end up doing at 3 AM the night before it’s due and that HBO only shows “The Color Purple” and Spike Lee flicks.
I don’t owe anybody shit. Except my creditors, but they can go fuck themselves too.
Next month is “Gay Awareness Month”, then we have “Hispanic April”, “Handicap Celebration Month”, “Homeless Help Month”, “Asian Conscience Month”, “Native American Tribute Month”, “Unwed Single Moms of Five Brats Month” and so on, ending with “Road-killed Children’s Month” and a “Sexual Deviants Parade” in December, right before Christmas.
When the fuck is it my month? Me, the 35 year old white male with an education? I am the only fucking unappreciated minority left in this goddamn country.
I think I will have to fucking cut someone to get some attention.
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