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Welcome to my utmost random thoughts on random shit that really doesn't matter much.
Behold the glory of my mind takinga dump.
~ Sticks, Stones and Funnybones ~
Part 40 - The Moon
The Moon
I always browse the headlines in the World Weekly News as I am standing like a cow for slaughter in the lines at the grocery store. I find them amusing, innovative and probably at least as exaggerated as the ones in the Daily News. At least with the World Weekly News you get a good laugh instead of experiencing a pang of loss for the intelligence of humanity, as you do when reading most “regular” papers.
A headline lately caught my eye:
“NASA wants to blow up the moon to stabilize Earth’s climate.”
I snickered and paid for my pile of household crap, even bidding the cashier a good day, acting on my good mood.
Once home I was informed by my 11 year old daughter that her math teacher told her that scientists want to blow up the moon to stabilize the climate.
What the fuck? What the hell are they using for study material in schools these days?
I decided to investigate, and lo and behold… It turns out that the “blow up the moon” theory actually had a factual ground from 15 years ago, when noted professor Dr. Alexander Albian presented his theory on how blowing up the moon would eliminate the tidal forces on our planet and thus eliminate radical changes in the weather throughout the year. Every day would be a warm summer day in most places. He presented this with diagrams, sketches and endless formulas that might as well have been for the chemical properties of LSD for all we know.
Fuck, I solved that problem, all by my lonesome, three years ago:
I moved to Florida.
And I hate it.
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The End
Speaking of apocalyptic events in space. Apparently another asteroid is hauling ass towards Earth (aren’t they always). This particular one, Apophis, will smash into us, with any luck, around 2036 – April 13th to be exact (take out a big bank loan the day before and spend it all on hookers and drugs) - and take out most of us on the side of impact. Especially worried should people on the West Coast be, as the big rock is plotted to crash into the Pacific Ocean.
Scientists, astronomers and astronauts are now urging the UN to act and set up some sort of plan to rid us of this outer space threat. Maybe send out some big rocket to blow up the asteroid, or even tow it a little to the left.
Seriously, people. The UN? They can’t even figure out how to stop tribal jungle people from boiling each other in big pots in the Third World. Now they are going to rally some uber-technical plan against some rock that will most likely miss us anyway?
No, let’s leave it to whatever American President is in charge during that year. More than likely he will strap a few rockets to the equator, slow down Earth’s rotation just long enough for the asteroid to miss the Pacific Ocean and hit Baghdad instead. Because we will still be there in 2036.
Besides… I am not so sure it would necessarily be a bad thing to have an asteroid knock our dicks in the dirt. Maybe it’s time to start over? Then again… I saw on “Wife Swap” what kind of people build fallout shelters in their backyards and to call them the crown of human evolution would be to suffer from mild retardation. We won’t have the cool Mad Max world of Thunderdomes and gasoline fights in the desert. Neither will we see young vigilant postal officers fight off the militant slavers of the north, dressed in scavenged uniforms with Volkswagen emblems on their shoulders.
No, instead we will have toothless ugly rednecks with absolutely no education, drinking moonshine out of Mason jars and walking cockroaches the size of Dobies on leashes, planting the seed of future generations in the bellies of their stringy-haired stupid trailer trash wives/sisters.
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The Head
Speaking of ugly white trash…
I actually vomited when I saw what Britney Spears did to her head. What the fuck? I never understand why any woman would want to look like a cancer sick boy, but Britney Spears takes the cake. Not only doesn’t she have the headshape to pull off the bald look – looking more like a crooked cue tip with her turkey neck – but c’mon… what is now left for her to make a career of? She’s going to “just” sing? Excuse me while I split my appendix open while laughing myself into a seizure. Is she fucking Sinead O’Connor now?
Then again, I would rather see Sinead O’Connor doing porn, than Britney Spears singing bald. If Sinead wore a wig, of course…
If you fuck a bald woman, or a woman with short hair, you are gay. Period.
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The Soldier
England is sending their beloved Prince Harry to lead a tank unit in Iraq. How cool is that? Actual royalties and political figures putting their money where their mouths are! Of course, the guy will be blown to ground meat by a road side bomb, but I admire his stance on this matter. Why only let poor uneducated black people who couldn’t afford to get into college, and were too stupid to pass the police academy exams, die for their country? We all bleed red, right?
I could see Bush as a mine sweeper. Just cover your ears, close your eyes and march onward their, little W. True to form.
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The Show
I hate the Dr. Phil show. Either he is having some sort of Jerry Springer spin-off, with husbands being busted cheating on their wives or confronted with raping their young, live on national television, or he chooses some topic that make all women think there is something wrong with their marriages. His whole live audience consists of 30- and 40-something housewives, nodding with solemn faces at the grave injustices committed upon their womanhood, and sometimes also of their husbands, squirming in their seats, trying to gnaw off the chains by which their ankles are fastened to the studio chairs.
I have nothing in common with all these fuckheads, but every time my wife forces me to watch the show I end up apologizing for how fucked up men are.
How about we make a show on how bat shit crazy women are? That’s right; it wouldn’t fly, because men don’t watch daytime television.
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The Corpse
Anna Nicole Smith’s body must be a maggot infested rot fest by now. If they drag this stupid shit out any longer she will reanimate out of sheer stupidity and eat her baby like a ripe plum.
That shit I would watch on TV, though.
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The Profession
Somebody shot two clowns in Colombia, during a circus show. Apparently there were no prior engagements between shooter and victims. A man just walked into the ring during the clowns’ performance and shot the first one in the head and the second one in the back as he tried to flee for his life.
Hey, at least somebody got it right. Clowns suck.
The way I see it is, that if you’re a clown, then you obviously had a really tough life growing up. You were probably sexually abused by Uncle Daddy, fondled by Ronald McDonald in a restaurant restroom and made fun of in school for wearing clogs and itchy beige turtlenecks. You were beaten and mocked throughout your whole miserable existence. Life is just a perpetual state of pain and emotional anguish to you. Becoming a clown is a call for help, a desperate cry from a desolate and wasted soul, beckoning society to end this suffering.
Ergo: Killing a clown is merely assisted suicide.
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