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Welcome to my utmost random thoughts on random shit that really doesn't matter much.
This is where my mind takes a dump.
~ Sticks, Stones and Funnybones ~
Part 5 - The Gem
The Gem
Have you seen these Life Gems they are selling now? This company offers to take care of your dead loved one’s ashes for you, compress them into a raw diamond and then cut that into whatever facet you want and set it into a piece of jewelry. Prices range from $3,999 to $20,000.
Uh-huh…
Let me share with you a little anecdote from my childhood:
In Denmark they have this theme park called “Legoland” we went to when I was a kid. Think Disney World but smaller and based on the wonderful world of Lego.
They had this gay little Wild West Town for kids where you could go and pan for gold in a gay little river. You got a little pan and you got a little cowboy hat. Then you sifted through the sand for a few minutes, you found three little gold painted metal nuggets, and, of course, you were all stoked.
With dollar signs shining in my eyes I took the hard earned gold to this guy at the register where you could “cash in” your findings. He took my three measly little nuggets (mere grains) and put them in this old machine behind him. He turned a crank and out came this big ugly plastic medallion with an Indian on it, hung on a red cord. He proceeded to hang it around my neck and hollered, “Next!”
I remember feeling so fucking cheated. This guy had taken my hard earned gold and given me this cheap ass plastic shit in return. I was in a foul mood all day after that.
Jump forward to present time.
You give this Life Gem guy the ashes of a loved one, he puts it in a machine, turns a crank, and – presto! – $20,000 later you have a “diamond” made out of his/her remains.
The people buying this shit should have their rosy colored glasses smacked off their faces with the trusty old reality bat.
Here are a couple of truths for you:
1.That is not Uncle Otis in that urn to begin with. They don’t give a shit at the crematory. They just scoop up a pile of sand and random ashes in an urn and send you on your way.
That is not Uncle Otis in that urn to begin with. They don’t give a shit at the crematory. They just scoop up a pile of sand and random ashes in an urn and send you on your way.2.One pound of those raw nasty ashes will not compress into that $20,000 diamond. The Life Gem guy bought that diamond last week at Diamond Wholesales R Us, down on the corner.
One pound of those raw nasty ashes will not compress into that $20,000 diamond. The Life Gem guy bought that diamond last week at Diamond Wholesales R Us, down on the corner. The Life Gem company’s disclaimer also reads: “* Due to the scientific nature of this process, your Life Gem will contain flaws much like natural diamonds. Although they will be stunning to the naked eye, clarity value minimums cannot be stated.”
How convenient! Not only can they get away with not guaranteeing the result, but you just paid $20,000 for a $300 junk stone from that same wholesaler’s clearance bin that, at best - in theory at least, could have been made from Uncle Otis’ mortician’s Kitty Litter.
Congratulations, sir. You are an idiot.
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The Ports
So… Who is in control of our American ports? Who makes sure no funky shit oozes onto American grounds? Who is our last line of defense? That’s right… The United Arab Emirates. Apparently Dubai Ports World, owned by the UAE government, acquired the British company Peninsular & Oriental Steam that has, up until now, been in charge of six US port authorities. Not only do only 5% of all containers ever get routinely checked for bootleg, nukes or drugs – but now some Arab fuckheads that we’re going to be bombing in another ten years will be deciding which 5% get checked to begin with.
I know… You can’t trust business people. They all act in their own financial interests. It’s not like our own President gave these people the keys to the city and a license to import all kinds of weapons of mass destruction right under our noses. Please. I mean, that would have been totally outra-… What? He did? Bush signed that deal? The man who went to war with Iraq for having a truck load of expired mustard gas buried in the desert just signed away the nation’s port authorities to the Arabs? Did I get that right?
Fear not, brave fellow Americans. According to Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, “The Administration made certain the company agreed to certain conditions to ensure national security”.
See, the Arabs promised not to blow us up. Pinkie swear.
Bush just said at a press conference, “I don’t understand. It is OK with a British company running our ports, but not… eh, another… eh… company from… eh, another, eh… valued ally to do so?”
And then he said, “People don't need to worry about security.”
Whew! I feel safer already.
At least Bush is tapping my phone, in case I say something against him in this matter to my brother in Sweden.
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The Falls
I have been watching the Olympics religiously, like a fucking nut, catching all the action as it happens (or later – since NBC thinks we should watch MTV edited recaps at night instead). I don’t get the Olympian figure skaters. They fall all the time. It’s not like they have practiced since they were three years old to nail that triple axel, right? It’s not like this is the one and only place to be at your absolute best, right? So why the fuck do they all fall on their asses? There is no excuse for not being perfect in these competitions. Save the excuses for practice. This is not the East Jesus, Idaho, rendition of Disney on Ice
Both Canada and USA are out of the Olympic Hockey Tournament, eliminated already in the quarter finals. What were the odds of that? Anyone? Ask Janet Gretzky. Sweden is still there. And Finland. The Arch Rivals of the Bitter Cold North are facing each other in the final on Sunday. I’m in fucking heaven.
Slovakia had a hockey player named Miroslav Satan in the tournament and Italy had a goal keeper named Gunther Hell. The Devil knows marketing. All the people I know named Jesus are trimming my hedges or washing my car.
Still, I can’t wait for the fucking games to be over already. My eyes are small and red, I smell and I have a constant feeling of vertigo. Olympiaitis; it’s a bitch.
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The Debate
By the way, check out the discussion raging on our message board after last week’s Running With Scissors:
Basically I was accused of being an insensitive bastard for calling Natalee Holloway a slut, and the board erupted. A lot of fun and inane reading if you feel inclined to get to the bottom of what makes or breaks a slut. Throw your two million cents in as well.
My bottom line: If you act like a slut, people are going to treat you like a slut.
If you act with class and self-respect, people are going to treat you with class and respect.
It’s in the eye of the beholder, and I am the one doing all of the beholding that matters anyway.
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The Eyes
The eyes are the windows of the soul they say. Well, in that case Laura Bush is a fucking psycho. Have you seen the way she stares at things? She was just on TV, sitting by her husband as he did his shrugging and smiling routine, and she looked positively crazy. She looked like she was trying to grind a couple of Ben-Wah balls to dust (look – no hands!), while plotting her husband’s death. Didn’t see the woman blink once. That could be because of the clothes pin at the back of her neck though, stretching her face nice and smooth. It’s almost like you can hear a crackling static emitting from her stiff smile. She scares me. Seriously.
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The Same
Speaking of presidents’ wives… A thing that baffles me is Senator Hillary Clinton’s opposition to same sex marriage. Apparently the Empire State Pride Agenda gay rights activist group is disappointed in the way she is working against them and is calling for a boycott of her re-election campaign to all their members. It must suck being gay. Literally. Even the chief dyke doesn’t want them to marry each other.
What is the big deal if they do get married? Seriously? They already live together, fuck each other, and pick out wall paper together. So let them get married and fight about all the stupid stuff that is only otherwise privy to us nuptial bastards. “We don’t want to encourage immoral sexual behavior,” says the same sex marriage protesters. So instead of them committing to one person in a solid state of marriage you would rather have them on the loose, fucking around with no ties or responsibilities, and, in fact, encouraging even more immoral sexual behavior? Makes sense. What the fuck do you care anyway? It’s not like you have to marry the first gay person who asks you, right? Just because they can get married it doesn’t make you gay. Unless you say “yes”, of course.
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The Dinner Date
A homeless guy in Little Rock, Arkansas was arrested at the Little Rock Zoo. Apparently a security guard had seen the guy climb into the animal pens in the middle of the night, stick a live sheep inside an empty trash can, and then make a run for the outside with it. Police officers had to taze the fuck out of the guy, Grady Allen Carnahan, to restrain him. He was charged with “violating an animal facility” and “cruelty to animals” amongst others.
So what was he going to do to the poor sheep? He claims he was taking it to a vet since it was sick. The joke is so obvious about what he was really going to do to it that I won’t even stoop that low. Who am I, Bob Saget’s evil twin? The real story, though, is probably that he was going to cook it and eat it. I am sure Bush is sitting at the breakfast table in the White House, laughing his fucking ass off at this story, while not connecting the dots and realizing that he should be fucking ashamed that people in his country have to resort to stunts like this one to eat.
What is up with this sheep fucking business anyway? What is it about sheep that makes them more attractive to the freaks out there than, say, a pig or a dog? Is it the interior shape of the pussy? The smoothness of the fur coat? The availability? Are sheep sluts? You know what, don’t tell me. Sometimes ignorance is just pure bliss.
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The Plan
A ballsy and beautifully executed robbery was perpetrated the night between Tuesday and Wednesday in Kent, England. The cash depot of an armed cash transport company, Securitas, was emptied of $100 million!
This is how it happened. Two guys posing as cops pull Securitas manager Dixon over and drag him into their car. At the same time two other cops enter Dixon’s home and kidnap his wife and 8 year old son.
They are taken to a farmhouse where Dixon is informed his family will be executed in front of him if he doesn’t cooperate. Of course he agrees to do so.
With Dixon’s help, the gang (8 people by now) enters the Securitas grounds and, once inside, the staff is taken by surprise and tied up while the vaults are emptied.
Two hours later the robbers are gone without a trace and without a single person being injured.
Fucking awesome.
I hope they live long prosperous lives on whatever island in the Caribbean they decide to buy.
The Securitas company slogan is “World Leader in Security”. That’s funny when you consider that their doofus manager keeps the key to the whole fucking thing in the cookie jar at home.
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