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Welcome to my utmost random thoughts on random shit that really doesn't matter much.
This is where my mind takes a dump.
~ Sticks, Stones and Funnybones ~
Part 7 - The Idol
The Idol
American Idol is on again. Now it’s down to the Top 12 and once again the show is reigning supreme in the ratings. Let me give you a breakdown of the guys and girls that will be battling it out in the finals:
1. Salt and Pepper Guy – The grey ghost who sings like Joe Cocker and dances like an epileptic Stevie Wonder. I love him. Could win the whole damn thing.
2. Kevin Potter – What the fuck is America thinking? Are they putting this nasal child through because they feel sorry for him? I dare you to close your eyes next time he’s singing, and then still tell me he sounds like anything but an eleven year old in his grandfather’s body. He’s the kid who gets ushered up on stage by his aunts, at his cousin’s wedding, to sing “Somewhere over the Rainbow” so his relatives can go “Isn’t he just adorable!” and swoon. Motherfucker can’t sing. He’s a fucking disaster and the brutal punch line of an ongoing retard joke. I ain’t laughing. Smack the fucking glasses off his face already, America.
3. Confused Surfer Dude – He’s got hair like Michael Hutchence, a beanie like the guy from Puddle of Mudd, dresses like a gay Asian club owner, and sings in this annoying high pitched soft falsetto that carries as much weight as a malnourished Chihuahua in strong wind. I guess he gets the vote from the girls who have never gotten laid. Ladies, unless you’re sporting a strap-on, this guy won’t put out.
4. Cotton Mouth Willie – Rednecks unite! You gotta represent that Confederate flag, boy! I like him. He talks like he’s sucking on cotton balls, but he sings like Garth Brooks after 60 smokes and a bottle of moonshine, doing Skynyrd covers.
5. Gay Uncle Joe – I swear to God. This fucking skinhead rocker guy looks exactly like my fucking brother, but gay and short. We fondly call him Gay Uncle Joe. He’s got a really good voice but sings boring songs. My brother is giving autographs in gay bars all day long these days. I think he likes it too.
6. Snaggle Tooth Tony – He’s got great pipes when he uses them. Unfortunately he’s too stupid to know when to sing what and plays it safe most of the time. Every time I see this guy I want to smack the pot head grin off his face. (I don’t know why. I am fucked in the head like that.)
7. Boondoxx Barbie – Don’t fucking tell me this girl is this fucking naïve for real. It’s all an act. Kelly fucking Pickler was handpicked by Fox from the strip bar in LA where she worked and then she was styled into this cutsie All-American country girl with a sad fucking past. Please. She has blown more white trash than Hurricane Katrina. Don’t fall for it.
8. The Weather Girl – Is she ever gonna sing “It’s Raining Men”? Good voice, great personality, but American Idol will never let America put her through. Reuben ruined the competition for all plus-sizers - especially since he failed to deliver afterwards, getting all sweaty and shit in interviews.
9. Porn Again Christian – Don’t tell me this God-spamming Tampa chick hasn’t had her fair share of cock. She’ll be out in the next round anyway and can go back to her job at the club down on the corner. I like her whiskey voice though, even though it can only hit five different notes.
10. Lesbian College Girl – I don’t know why. I just think of her as the stereotypical sociology major, walking around on a cloud, clueless about most everything. Still, she’s got a great voice. The fact that she looks like that 30 Minute Meal cook on the Food Network adds a certain lesbian quality to her persona that I don’t know whether I love or hate yet. Dark horse.
11. Black Bohemian Rhapsody – She wants to be so fucking different, always trying to make herself seem special – yet she always sings boring safe songs. Her bio lists Usher and Beyonce as her idols and yet she tries to convince us she’s a 16 year old timer listening to Billie Holiday and Aretha Franklin. Are any of these people ever gonna sing something besides Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye and that fucking “Midnight Train to Georgia”? Do they work on commission for the Old Fucking Fart Publishing Company? Bohemian Rhapsody’s biggest inspiration is supposedly God and she likes the way he “uses her”. Tell me more. No, never mind. You’re not hot at all so just shut the fuck up.
12. Houston We Have a Problem – This girl is hailed as the best singer in the group and as the next Idol superstar. Newsflash: Whitney she ain’t. Seriously. Ok, maybe the strung out crackhead Whitney, but not the good old one. I know you people think she’s great but that is because you’re all fucking stupid. She can hit the notes but her voice fucking SUCKS. It is the most generic, boring, flat-chested excuse for a high school charity show voice I have ever heard. Hitting the notes or not.
In closing I’ll say that American Idol sucks for the most part, but much like a car wreck, we keep watching it. We know they fuck with the votes. We know they style, headhunt and create these people they feature on the show. We know Pickler is blowing the producers. But maybe that is the charm. It is not so much an honest competition as it is a Real World Music Business show that we get to be a silent partner in. We are happy in the delusion that we can make or break these people, when actually the album with the winner is probably already recorded and sitting on a shelf somewhere ready to be released in May.
I predict the final 3 to be:
Salt and Peppar Guy
Lesbian College Girl
Gay Uncle Joe
Since a girl has won the last two Idols, and since a rocker like Bo Bice was so cruelly cast aside last year, it will be Gay Uncle Joe that takes the prize. He will be styled into a new Rob Thomas and sell his soul to the Devil of Fuller and Company, making millions. His former band mates will curse his name and call him a fucking sell out Judas motherfucker.
Life in the show business rolls on and we all suck it up like the dumbass couch potatoes we are.
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The Swoon Factor
Watching American Idol last Wednesday, and seeing how one of the few good singers (Gedeon – note Ebonic spelling) was ejected, made me think of something. There are no artists out there anymore who can make women swoon with their voices. Think about it. We used to have artists who made women wet with the first line of the song. Now we have artists who make young girls squirm because of looks and dance moves. It was never about that before. Barry White was a big fat slob with a beard and Marvin Gaye looked like Shaggy in Scooby Doo would have looked like if he had been related to Mr. T instead. But no matter what racial preference, no matter what age, most women would slide off their chairs when “You’re My Everything” or “Let’s Get it On” comes on the radio.
There is nobody out there anymore with the power to seduce women with a word or a phrase. It’s all in the appearance these days. Us guys lost the touch. It’s fucking sad.
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The Busted Deal
Bush is disappointed about the US port deal with the United Arab Emirates falling to pieces. He feels it will serve to put a strain on an otherwise good relationship with an ally in the War on Terror. Who the fuck is he kidding? Do they owe him fucking money or something? The American people spoke up against his stupidity and still he defends himself. Somebody needs to look into exactly who would be making what money off that deal, had it gone through. There is something else going on here other than the usual political bullshit. Kinda how Iraq was a “valuable ally” 25 years ago and yet it turned out we sold weapons to Iran as well (and never mind turning our coats against Iraq 20 years later). Now it’s the UAE instead. I had to wait four years for my Green Card, for national security reasons, but we’re gonna let a bunch of Muslims run our ports because they are “valuable allies”? Please. There is a fish buried in the state of Denmark here.
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The Seatbelt Law
I just recently found out that there is no law here in Florida that says kids have to wear a seatbelt in the backseat. Unless you’re so little you need a car seat, of course. So what’s the cut-off age when we don’t give a shit about our kids’ safety anymore? I never got the seat belt law anyway. If I need some law to tell me that I need to strap my kid down in the car or he/she will get crushed to a bloody pulp as he/she flies through the windshield if a car hits me, then maybe (just maybe) I am too stupid to procreate and my gene pool should be evaporated.
Your child’s safety is a matter of legal interpretation? What are you, fucking stupid? I like how drivers down here buckle up, while their kids fly around in the backseat at the mercy of the rush hour traffic around them. What goes through the mind of that driver as that seat belt clicks into place? “What a drag, buckling up like this. At least my kids don’t have to put up with this safety shit.”
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The Zombies
Shopping at K-Mart is like stepping into the Dawn of the Dead - endless empty aisles with clothing racks, detergents and cheap food produce. The occasional straggler wanders around aimlessly, half-heartedly poking at a hand bag or squeezing a bath robe. The shelf stockers shuffle around like the living dead and the cashier at the one open register seems to have lost her brain a long time ago. The ones with their minds still intact called in sick to go job-hunting.
An American institution is already dead as fuck. It just hasn’t laid down yet.
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The Moon
Data sent back by the Cassini spacecraft indicates that Saturn's moon, Enceladus, may have a liquid ocean beneath its icy crust. This means that life, in some microscopic form, could exist there. The idea that we are alone in the Universe is a silly notion. Most people seem to harbor some thought that life in the Universe translates to some kind of humanoid intelligence playing house on a planet just like ours. Think about it. We are made of stellar dust – the same stuff that you can find in the billions of galaxies throughout this infinite universe – and there are endless possibilities for how that dust can form some sort of life in countless different environments under incredibly varied circumstances. I can’t wait for us to find evidence of organic life in places other than Earth and then see how the literal Bible thumpers start stuttering out their new interpretations of the Good Book so it fits into a new universe. There is life out there, people, but it’s not humanoids in space ships and big guns swooping down to enslave the planet’s population. That will be us a thousand years from now, swooping down on some poor unsuspecting fucking planet that we just found. We are our own nightmare.
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The Reality Shows
Bin Laden’s niece is going to star in some new reality show produced by the same team who made THE stupidest show of all time, “Growing up Gotti”. I fucking hate reality shows. Living my life, fictitiously rather than vicariously, through others never really did it for me. I still try to keep up with what’s being shown though, as it kind of symptomizes our society as a whole. Fucking sue me for hypocrisy all you want. There is this new show coming up, Unan1mous, in which 9 people are locked up together, under ground, and where the main point is for them to come together to vote for one of them to take home the prize money of $1.5 million. The decision has to be unanimous. Whoever has the best sob story wins. Of course nobody wants to vote for anybody else, so they live in this bunker for weeks while arguing semantics, and for every day the prize money ticks down to zero. (This sounds like the DRS message board, come to think of it.)
This must be the stupidest show idea ever. If it was me I would just say, “Listen guys. We have $1.5 million here and we’re 9 people. You all vote for me and I swear on my daughter’s life I will divide the dough in nine equal parts. That gives us each a cool $167,000. You could pay off your mortgage, buy a car, or take a year off with that kind of money. If you do not go for this, I also swear on my daughter’s life that I will not vote for a single one of you. I don’t give a shit about your poor dying kid or your testicular cancer. Take it or leave it.”
Then again… I would be hard pressed to be convinced to lock myself up in a bunker with anybody, much less 8 strangers. People suck.
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