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Welcome to my utmost random thoughts on random shit that really doesn't matter much.
This is where my mind takes a dump.
~ Sticks, Stones and Funnybones ~
Part 9 - The 911
The 911
The City of New York recently sent out a CD to some of the surviving relatives of people who died on 9/11. The CD contains 911 calls that were just “found” and feature the voices of the deceased. Calls they made in their dying hours. It was made as a gesture for relatives to get closure and move on. Maybe hearing a loved one’s last words could somehow tie up some loose ends and speed up the healing process… Uh-huh… What are they, fucking stupid? 5 years after the fact, people need to hear the last panicked call from their dead parents, husbands, children and siblings as much as they need another asshole…
Furthermore. I guess these are the actual calls from that fateful day, as opposed to the bullshit tapes we were served up with the “heroes” of the flight that crashed in Pennsylvania. The only hero in that whole incident was the American F-16 fighter pilot who shot the airliner down so it wouldn’t crash in fucking Washington. Priorities. A bitch.
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The Junk
Scientists have finally established that there is more nutrition in a serving of Alpo than in a Big Mac. As far as fat, sugar and nutrients go, the Alpo wins hands down. Isn’t that funny? Our dogs eat better than we do. I eat like a dog, does that count?
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The Irony
Financially challenged Michael Jackson has been thrown out of Neverland. Peter Pan failed to meet the authorities’ demand for payments past due in regards to his employees’ benefits, wages and insurances, and thus closed him down. That is amazing. After all that Jacko has tried to achieve in his life – the King of Pop, with millions sold and new racial features to boost – in the end he is just another broke-ass homeless negro.
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The Ponder
The American Idol Identical Twins, Jessie and Becky – well, only one of them was ever a contestant - are making themselves public property in tons of men’s rags all over the country, and it got me wondering… Why is it that guys have such a crush on sexy twins? It’s kind of sick you know. How can I expect the two of them to get all hot and bothered with each other if they are fucking sisters? Would you lick whipped cream off your sister or brother? Fuck no. I don’t even wanna share a hand towel with my brother, much less anything that has anything to do with his person. Maybe identical twins are different? Maybe, since they came from the same egg cell, they consider themselves one whole person combined, and then it is just really some sort of remote masturbation, right? Self-justification is a wonderful thing. Give me anything and I will connect the dots.
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The Sopranos
These fucking dream-sequence episodes are pissing me the hell off. If I wanted to fly over the cuckoo’s nest I would watch reruns of Twin Peaks. I am sitting there waiting for the old bat with the log under her arm to walk into Tony Coma-Toe’s hospital room any minute now. Just fucking wack somebody already.
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The Facts
A bunch of “strange facts” are making their rounds again through chain e-mails:
• If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
They haven’t met my wife. Mr. Coffee, eat your motherfucking heart out.
• If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
They haven’t met my dogs; “Little Boy” and “Fat Man”. Six years? Try Monday morning – it’s fucking Hiroshima all over again.
• The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps throughout the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A human testicle creates enough pressure when it doesn’t get milked for a while to squirt semen 30 feet. If you’re Peter North. What the fuck does that guy eat to shoot like that? More semen? It’s fucking wrong.
• A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
So? I’m still not doing a pig. What’s in it for me? Fuck the pig. Or not.
• Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Sounds like most diets I know. Here’s the ultimate diet: Fucking stop eating, dumbass.
• Humans and dolphins are the only species that mate for pleasure.
Not true. Norwegians fuck for fun too. At least, that is what they want us to believe. They are really just making faces until they can take over the world. They look the same when they club seals and burn churches.
• On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Amen. I’d take death, torture, sharks and getting my eyeballs scooped out before fondling any damn spider. I’d rather fucking go to prison and hang out in the showers than finding a spider on my dick.
• The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Sounds like me, except for the weights, and the fact that I fall to the left.
• Polar bears are left handed.
They have fucking hands now? Does this mean they can jerk off? Do they wash? I am shaking the right anyway, no matter what you say. North Pole Southpaws. Hey, they already have a hockey team.
• A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
If I saw a cockroach without its head, starving to death on my pillow, I would freak and die in nine seconds flat.
• The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates mating by ripping the male's head off.
Mantis Schmantis. What guy ever fucks with his head attached to his body anyway? For all I care they could cut it off above the shoulders when I’m having sex. There ain’t no blood or deep thoughts going on up there anyway. Just give it back before The Simpsons come on.
• Butterflies taste with their feet.
Filthy animals. Imagine if that was us? I would love to go to that Wine Testing Convention. Or not. “This wine has an excellent bouquet and tickles my toes. The acidity is rather apparent as it is eating the dirt away from under my toenails. Here, have some.”
• Starfish don't have brains.
That is also why zombies never bother them at the mall.
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