Blood of a Viking - Heart of a New World

Sometimes these Big Random Thoughts that ooze out of my brain and onto the screen are too damn long to stick in a "Running With Scissors" for the weekend, but, on the other hand, they're also too damn blah to make a "real" article. How about I just pin these things to the fridge in here? Thought so...

OK, so I renounced my Swedish citizenship, because my team lost disgracefully to the damn Germans. Yes, in the World Cup... Football… I know it makes no sense to you because you have no personal pride, but that’s the way it is. I am no longer Swedish. My own nation fucked me over.

In order to fully transform into my new American nationality I will have to ritualize my defection from Sweden so to make it “stick” through thick and thin – unlike my previous loyalties. This means that I will have to exorcise some demons of Swedish times past, and lay to rest some unruly ghosts that rattle around in the closet. I will also have to take a long good look at my new country while learning to embrace and forgive its shortcomings with the hope that I can either change them for the better or selfishly use them to my advantage. Either change or use is fine with me, and both actually work out the same way, come to think of it. I’ve already covered some cultural differences in the article I wrote with Seb, “America – From the Inside Out”,  but it barely scraped the surface of what makes Swedes and Americans tick.

I guess the biggest difference here in the US is the die hard patriotism Americans have for their country. As a Swede, you don’t so much feel loyalty to your country as to your roots. You are what you always were and fuck anything that comes between you and that. That is why an old country like Sweden surprisingly doesn’t inspire more patriotism – most Swedes are already pretty safe in their comfort zone, cherishing the fact that we know who we are, who we were and where we came from. The ties that bind the Swedes together were forged thousands of years ago, so the Great Benevolent Spirit of National Togetherness does not need to be infused into us from above or without. The loyalty is to blood and pride, not flag or country. That is why I feel totally comfortable renouncing my Swedish citizenship since my team disgraced my heritage. My loyalty lies to my own pride, not that of a country. They betrayed me, not the other way around. Makes sense? Of course not.

Now that I sit down to critically reflect upon my old country’s history, both ancient and recent, it seems to me that our balls dropped in the Viking Age. We fought with them dangling between our knees for centuries to come, and then we castrated ourselves in the 20th century. We didn’t attend any of the World Wars, didn’t join either NATO or the Russkis, and we pretty much spent a whole century just driving our Volvos to and fro, eating blueberry pie and listening to “Dancing Queen” while the rest of the world fell to pieces around us. Sure, it was a good and easy enough life, but I have a feeling it killed some of our spirit. It served to make Swedes one of the most individualistic and free-thinking people on Earth, and surely broadened our horizons to travel the world as observers – but it is also the reason we barely mumble our national anthem, think the idea of waving flags is “silly”, and even forget when our “4th of July” is. There is no sense of being “Swedish” anymore, but instead there is a sense of knowing what works for “me”, wherever and whatever that may be. I know I am a Viking, but I can go and be a Viking somewhere else, across the ocean, too. Rape some nuns, pillage a little… All in the name of personal fulfillment. That sort of thing.

Now, as an aspiring American, on the other hand, I will have to “adopt” a certain level of patriotism to flag and country to forge new kinds of ties to my fellow brothers and sisters. We don’t have a common history that stretches back in time for countless centuries – only a fairly recent history of sticking together against oppressive Brit-tyranny or dirty Communist bastards. The only common ground I share with pretty much every other American is the very common ground we happen to stand on, but it wil suffice. We may all hate each other's white trash nigger yuppie racist redneck guts, and I wouldn't invite a single fucking one of you losers to a backyard barbeque at my house, but we are all still Americans. No matter how fucked up we are, at least that ties us together when really nothing else does. That's what matters, right? I guess the biggest difference is just that; all Americans were once something else, hailing from vastly different backgrounds. To bind us together as one people, we have to shift our loyalties from blood and roots to flag and country, and thus renounce our past. Kind of what I have just done. How American of me. Of course, with such shallow and blood-less, and strictly political, loyalties, it is easier for Big Brother to use that choke-hold in his governing rule of me, but we shall see. Maybe I will fall into a state of All-American complacency and be totally cool with it.

I missed the Cold War, but I made it in time for the War on Terror, so chances are I will be waving any number of American flags anytime now. Mind you, I would never burn the flag, though, for such a political statement of discontent is not acceptable in a truly free society - it's bloody criminal, almost! I will pledge my allegiance to that flag instead, instilling myself with the feeling of all-consuming national supremacy and the God-given right to judge my inferiors in the rest of the world. Hey, I like this more and more already! Fuck everybody else. This is kinda like being Swedish, but on a national level instead of on a personal level. I can feel my balls growing back! Didn’t some Swedish Viking, disgusted with his home town (I’m sure), discover America, anyway, long before that Guinea finally dragged his ass across the Atlantic? Yeah, it makes sense now. Maybe this place was home all along.

Be still, my beating American heart - you're home now. You're living the dream, pumping my beautiful Viking blood on American soil. It's a New World indeed.

Now, Natives of America, tell me…  do I have to be an actual American citizen to run for Presidency? ‘Cause you fuckheads obviously don’t know what the hell you’re doing.

As the shores of my home disappear
I sail over the sea without fear
Dragon ships are charging through the waves
Just want to sail away into the sea - yeah yeah

You are a loser and it's such a shame
That you're a fool and you don't know
That I'm a viking - I'll walk all over you
And by my sword you will die

"I Am A Viking", by Yngwie Malmsteen



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