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Too Much Information
The best thing about writing a political column is that the stuff writes itself.
Unfortunately, the worst thing about writing a political column is that the stuff writes itself.
I’ve been trying to come up with a good article for this new “I Am Not A Crook” sub column. The concept is, of course, that the level of crookedness of a given political figure is in direct inverse proportion to the vehemence of that figure’s denial of any wrongdoing. But where to start? There are just too many goddamn crooks in Washington – indeed, in ANY area that has a concentration of politicians, lobbyists and lawyers. How about Randy Cunningham, the disgraced Congressman? Yawn. What current Congressman DOESN’T bear the taint of corruption? Tom DeLay? He certainly does up the ante in the self-righteous denial department – I’m just waiting for him to forget himself and actually say the words “I am not a crook”. It’s coming, but the time isn’t quite right just yet. Jack Abramoff? What can I say about this slimy hypocrite that hasn’t already been said? Maybe that, as such a devout Jew, he should train to become a moil when he finally gets sent to prison? Hey, that’s not such a bad idea, really – he could practice on child molesters, so if he slips up he’ll actually be performing a public service. But no, Abramoff has been done to death.
There are plenty of crooks out there, so I decided to think outside the box for this inaugural article. I’ll start with the worst – pure cynical evil of the worst kind – and work my way down to mere government incompetence and self-service.
Ready?
The Good (Okay, Not So Good) Reverend
By now I trust you guys have all heard about the man who’s recently raised the bar to a whole new level in the highly competitive field of odious attention-whoring. Paris who? Bradgelina what? All of you Hollywood amateurs step aside and make room for the Reverend Fred Phelps, esteemed pastor of a Topeka, Kansas church called Westboro Baptist Church. Most of you are familiar with the heartwarming story of how Phelps and his “followers” (actually all are members of some kind of fucked-up, extended family of the Reverend) crashed the funeral of homosexual beating casualty, Matthew Shepherd. They marched in carrying signs announcing that Shepherd was “frying in hell” for his gayness and that every mourner at the service was doomed to follow him there. You’ve probably heard about his latest twist on the art of attention seeking when he tried to draw more attention to his obsessive-compulsive anti-homosexual agenda by crashing more funerals – specifically, the funerals of US servicemen killed in Iraq. With a reach that pulls so far it’s technically a sort of spiritual yoga move, Phelps is now trying to assert that all of the country’s heartaches – hurricane damage, terrorist attacks, war and its attendant casualties – are a manifestation of God’s fury towards our failure to condemn homosexuality zealously enough. His grotesque antics are eagerly followed by the press, and have been countered by a group of tough war-vet bikers who track Phelps’ agenda and show up at funerals to form a human barrier around the service site to make sure the Westboro Baptists keep their disruptions to a minimum.
But recapping all of this is a bit pointless. As I’ve already pointed out, most people have heard all about it.
What they haven’t heard is that it’s all a giant scam.
The Westboro Baptist Church doesn’t hold regular services because it’s not a real church. And not only are the congregation members all Phelps’ family, they’re also all LAWYERS.
Phelps himself was once a lawyer too, but the Kansas Supreme Court disbarred him nearly thirty years ago for being a liar of such egregious proportions that he even lies too much to be a lawyer.
So what’s the big scam all these lawyers are trying to perpetrate? It’s actually so simple it’d make a good sitcom plot – they’re trying to be so offensive, and such an affront to human decency, that somebody’s gonna finally go nuts at one of these funerals and beat the crap out of them. Not only will they have grounds to sue the individuals who hit them, but more importantly – and more lucratively - they’ll have grounds to sue the actual municipality where they’re attacked – for failing to protect them and their first amendment right to assemble.
That first amendment sure can be a bitch to stick to, can’t it? This is one of those cases – like the debate over NAMBLA’s right to distribute graphic pamphlets and run aggressive recruiting drives through the country’s prison population that Grace and I had last summer – that is a test to the limits of our patience with the Bill of Rights.
As if we aren’t busy enough right now having the limits of our patience tested by our stupefyingly incompetent government.
The US Government – Fucking Up a Wet Dream Since 2001
Zacharias Moussaoui’s penalty trial was getting into full swing at about the same time that I was staggering through my Buprenorphine day. Moussaaoui, the lone American among the nineteen perpetrators of the 9/11 plot, had already admitted his involvement and pled guilty to conspiracy, so this trial was to determine whether he would draw life in jail or the death penalty. The government, needless to say, is itching to kill Moussaoui – to the extent that they got caught coaching seven witnesses in order to buttress their case against him. US District Judge Leonie Brinkema advised the government that they could continue to seek the death penalty if they wished, but the seven witnesses who’d been tampered with would not be allowed to testify. Without their testimony the odds that Moussaoui will draw the death penalty are slightly worse than the odds that my hymen will grow back, but hey, it wouldn’t be Bush’s government if someone hadn’t managed to turn a slam-dunk into a snarled clusterfuck.
For those of you keeping score: Osama bin Laden is still walking free; Iraq is in disarray and heading towards civil war three years after we deposed Saddam Hussein; victims of Hurricane Katrina are still being pulled from the wreckage of New Orleans, and American taxpayers are going to be supporting Zacharias Moussaoui’s murderous ass for the foreseeable future. Then, of course, there’s the…
DP Money Shot
Need more evidence of our government’s incompetence? No? Well, tough, coz you’re about to get some anyway. By now it’s all over but the crying for the Dubai Ports World (DP for short, which never fails to make me giggle) US port deal. National outrage over the government’s plan to sell all US port operations to a Middle Eastern company caused mass backpedaling among the Administration and lawmakers alike, especially after the name Halliburton was bandied into the mix as a possible co-profiteer. At this writing DP had just announced it would sell all of its interest in US ports within six months to an “unnamed” American buyer. Any guesses on who the American company might be? I’d like to buy a vowel and try to solve the puzzle, Pat – I’ll take an “A” and the word is “Halliburton”.
