An Intradiction to Me, Ken
I was told that writing a biology would be a good idea. Carman said to start at the beginning and tell y’all about myself. I’m KEN, I was born in the South during the coolaid administation. When I was born, my momma said that I had a birthmark of three 9's on my head. She took me to the pasture who baptized me and the marks went away!
Growing up, I worked on the farm, lifting cows into the barn. It was good work. Then, one day I saw a giant frizbee land in the field and these green men start to cut my cows all to peices. I tell ya, I didn’t know what was going on. So I grabed my daddys shotgun and went chasing after’em.
They didn’t take to kindly to this, so they grab me and take me up into the frizbee which was a SHIP! I saw all kinds of stuff, like other cows and some sort of giant ape. The green men tie me down and make me fuck a female of their race. I tell ya, it was great. A green man told me that I was to repopulate their planet!
Now, I was watching something on the TV the other night that was about tribes and stuff, and they said that some tribes cut the tip of their dicks off. I don’t know why someone would do that. It’s not very Christian if you ask me. I was raised to belive that that is destroying Gods temple. But maybe these green men over did it. Because one of them said they didn’t have sexual organs!
“How in the hell do you pee?” I asked, but the green man just laughed and then puked all over me. I tell ya, it was gross! It smelled like rotten eggs. So I keep on knowing these green women like Adam knew Eve, but I figure my momma has to be worried. I talked to one of the green guys, and he said I could take one of the frizbees out for a ride, if I brought a few of them with me.
Now, while I was on the ship, I got to talkin’ to the ape who called himself Hank. I told Hank that he has some pretty damn big feet, and that I am going to start calling him Bigfoot. He told me that he was from Oregon. Well, I will be damned! I visited Oregon once before, and I told him that there is some great fishing there. He agreed and said that it is a shame he cant go back and see his kids. I felt bad about this, and told him I have a plan.
I told the green men that I wanted to take Bigfoot with me, and they were hesitant at first but agreed. When we got onto the ship, we headed straight towards Earth. I grabed a blaster and held the green men hostage while Bigfoot drove and landed right in the biggest woods I have ever seen.
Bigfoot tied up the green men and introduced me to his wife and kids. There were the cutest things, I tell ya. The cutest. They looked like little bears. All fury and stuff. His wife was HUGE, I tell ya, but he loved her. It takes all kinds to fill the highways of this world, I guess. I told Bigfoot that I have to get back to my momma, and I got in the frizbee and left.
When I was in the air, the green men escaped! I did not know what to do, I started to fire at them, and blew a hole right into the side of the frizbee! It was a sight, I tell ya, a sight to see. While we were going down, I put on my seat bealt and then we crashed. Green men started flying EVERYWHERE!
When we finally stopped, I noticed that we were in the desert! There ain’t no desert in the south, I thought. I have to find out where I am. Right then I noticed a farmer who was pretty scared, but he said I was in New Mexico! I tell ya, it was COLD that night. I thanked him and went into town, where I saw all kinds of Army men RACING to the crash. I know that leaving a crash is against the law, so I ran to the trains. There I saw that it was 1947! I had been gone 14 years! But I had not aged a day! I tell ya, that is just the BEGINNING of what was to come.
