Jogging With a Spoon - 13
featuring The Weekly Zombie Report
So there I was, at the store buying my Square of Cancer, when I spot drama in the parking lot. Lo and behold; it is The Acid King in a scuffle with some nice looking Latin youths.
This isn’t them, but you get the idea.
I don’t speak Spanish, I should learn, but I really don’t want to. Anyway, Gene spots me, and fucking flips out and tries to pedal away on his little bike, as if these Latin youths would decide to not run after him like he was the American border. I have never seen an ass beating of that proportion, but now I have. I smile and walk on, minding my own business.
Thinking that is the end of it, I put it out of my mind, until I hear screaming from behind my house at exactly 2:27am. I know this because I have to get up at 5 am and go to work, so I say “fuck it” and just get up, deciding to see what in THEE FUCK is going on. Once again, it is Gene, raising hell at the same spot. I don’t know how it is in your neighborhood, but in mine, we don’t call the cops very often. The Gang Element generally only fucks with people that either
A) Pissed them off, or
B) are part of the gang.
People like me, are not immune, but for the most part we police ourselves. I have made it a habit of staying on, what I see as, applicable terms with these Latin youths.
So there I am at about 2:30ish in the morning, climbing my fence in my skivvies, walking up to this dude, who is swollen and broken. I grab his throat and yell at him “IF YOU DON’T SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AND SCREW AWAY, I WILL POP YOUR FUCKING HEAD LIKE A ZIT!”
He shuts up and runs off.
Asshole.
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Well, I decided to ask around in a subtle way about this mysterious girl at work. I discovered that she dates an Asian fella. Perhaps she is taking a Karate class or something. Also, this girl seems to be what other girls call a bitch. I don’t know this girl very well, but it seems to me they may be jealous of her knowing martial arts. She looks like the Joker to me. Maybe that’s why I want to see where she goes. Perhaps she’s fighting Batman. He doesn’t need guns to defend his city.
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The Answer is Futurama... also 42
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My teeth were killing me for a few days, so I went to the dentist. Guess what, there was so much puss in my gums that they had to do a root canal ON THE FUCKING SPOT! I was not amused, but suffered through it like a trooper. Apparently, puss and blood were flowing out of my tooth like someone turned on a faucet.
I don’t know about some of you folks reading, but I like my teeth, and try to keep the 29 I have left (don’t even ask). When the Zombie Apocalypse happens, dentists wont be around to fix you up. And a self root canal is impossible I would think. I did hear something about some politician in Britain getting one without being numbed. I call that propaganda, folks. Unless he DID do it, then I call that one tough motherfucker.
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I signed up for netflix because My Beach Community sucks when it comes to movie rentals. So Movie Mayhem has made a dismal return, check it out!
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My air conditioning went out in Casa de la Carman. Needless to say I am fucking pissed. It was 91 degrees today, and FUCK! Fuck it. If the Mexicans can work out in this shit, so can I. FUCK THAT TOO! I am an American, so I WANT that luxury Goddamnit!
I was at the bank and there was a fat beaner woman in front of me that reeked of SHIT. Literally. It was all I could do not to barf all over the lobby. This thing had black pubes on her neck, when I saw her face, I noticed whisks of hair. To any Mexicans reading this, do you have no shame? What is with Latin women and facial hair? Is it a badge of honor to shave your face if you're a female in Mexico (or, rather, NOT to shave)?
These people come to MY fucking country by breaking laws, they want MY fucking rights as a citizen, leech off of MY tax dollars, and are considered “the backbone of america”. Fuck that. I am the back bone of America. I work 40+hrs a week, I PAY taxes, I vote, I am active in helping my community...
... which brings me to:
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The Weekly Zombie Report
Well, that ghoul from last week didn’t go as I expected. I figured it would be easy, but it wasn’t. I found her clawing at a 6ft privacy fence. I was able to sneak up on her to an extent, but when she turned I froze in horror. I thought I was done for until instinct kicked in and I stabbed her in the throat. That did not go well, kids. I took a step back and let my bush axe do the work for me. But she didn’t go down like I though she would, but stood there for what seemed like eternity, just twitching and spiting blood from her mouth. When she finally fell, I took my weapons and went home.
I figured that the cops would figure it out, and I have heard nothing on the news wires about a mutilated zombie. Just something a bout a psychopath killing a goth girl. I guess they want to keep this Zombie Outbreak hushed up. In the mean time, I realized that I can’t just leave ghoul bodies laying around where ever they may fall, I need a method of disposal.
At work, we use Lye a lot. I may start to collect it. When it gets wet, it will dissolve anything. Hopefully, it will also stop the virus. I need to think this through some more, but you, dear readers, will be the first to know.
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Carman, out.
