Jogging With a Spoon - 15
featuring The Weekly Zombie Report
We went to go get The Lady’s®™ brother from some hick town called Elk Snelk. What in THEE fuck is a snelk? Anyway, the brother said that he needed to leave town, but was cryptic on the reasons. I do know that the drug store burned down not too long ago, and that the gas station burned to the ground too in the next town over. I pointed out to The Lady that “This is something that makes me go HMMM.” I was told that those places that burned down were old and owned by the same family, so it was probably insurance money anyway. Ok, as long as my shit doesn’t get set on fire I’m happy.
Frankly, this guy gives me the creeps. His eyes constantly shake like he’s a Scanner or some shit. I just don’t want my head to explode. (Although, it would look pretty cool.)
He’s living out in the country right now. So far, no fires.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
At work I have been “Promoted” again to Storage/Shop Monkey after I got in the face of this dicksnot-eating mother fucker who asked a dumb fucking question: “Carman, why do you always have to rag on the news girl?”
And when I say I got in his face, I didn’t yell; I gave him the steely gaze of doom:
That’s me, minus the gay ear ring and the chiseled good looks
At least I can get as much lye as I want now without drawing much suspicion.
Let me tell you readers, you have to be careful with that shit. I dropped a snake I found into a bucket full of that shit when it was wet. Not pretty, but it will do the job I want it to do. That reptile boiled away to almost nothing. Smelled like ass.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Gene got a new bike, and I promptly stole it because I needed one. I got on it right at the store in front of him and he just started to cry. I pointed at him and laughed. Then I almost fell. That would have sucked.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
I joined a gym too. I don’t remember if I mentioned that last time. I have NEVER been in such a gay place as this meat market hangout. And, remember, I used to sell porn and clean Jack Shacks (jizz mopper) for a living. The people in the gym are nothing but arrogant jock mother fuckers. They all gave ME the eyeball so I put on MY if you talk to me I will kill you look. I guess it works because no one talks to me. There is this one bastard, though, who has shoulders bigger than my whole body, but the rest of him is a string bean. I call him Gumby. He doesn’t seem to like me too much, especially when I asked him if he was done with the shoulder machine. Bastard.
I have to keep fit... Hell, you all should be able to figure out why.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Some asshole broke into my car, but left everything. All I had in there were “Land of the damned” by Diamond Rexx, some Demons and Wizards mix CD and a Conan book. I also only have a tape deck in my car, so I guess they figure there was nothing of value. I’m just glad they left my CDs. I think. I don’t know whether to be relieved or offended that they didn’t want my shit. Fucking savages.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Weekly Zombie Report
Well, the last time I posted a Spoons nothing was going on in my town, but now, things are different. A cop friend of mine has told me there has been a rash of grave robberies where the corpses are gone. This is grave fucking news indeed. Now, I don’t believe that the dead are clawing their way out of 6 feet of earth and looking for brains, but my buddy told me that all the bodies were fresh dead without any head trauma. It must be noted that he also owns a part of The Safe House, so he keeps an eye on the things that don’t make the news.
It is ALWAYS good to have friends in high and low places, to sound cliché. But it’s true. These grave robberies have been happening all around the county in rural grave yards and you won’t see it on the news.
I have also updated my arsenal to include a sharpened garden shovel instead of the bush axe. After that last time I decided that I need something that will split the skull on first impact.
I have been practicing on a tree in my yard, and it seems that this will work nicely. I’ll let you all know when I test in the field.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Carman, out.
