Jogging With a Spoon - 6
featuring The Weekly Zombie Report
I went into WalMart the other day. I fucking hate Walmart, and here is why. Every employee there seems to be from some special school of stupidity. This time was no exception. I’m standing in line behind someone with 50 million items, in the 20 items or less line. It was the shortest line, out of the 3 registers they have open. Jesus fucking Christ, Sam... you have 40 fucking registers. Open some more. Are they just for show?
So, there I am in line, and as soon as the knuckle fucker in front of me leaves, the fat cunt closes the register.
“HEY!” I say, voicing my displeasure.
“I’m on break.”
“You fat fucking cunt, by the time you waddle to the door, break will be over!”
“FUCK YOU!” was her reply.
Well, I said fuck it and went to K-mart instead. On the way home, I stopped at Burger King, hoping the combination of grease and cigarettes would make my heart explode. I walk in because they always seem to fuck up my order in the drive-thru, so I want to watch them make it. When I walk up to the counter, a kid with Down's Syndrome is taking my order.
I have nothing against retarded people, but they are only good at two things: math and being retarded. NOT pushing buttons, which is all that a job at Burger King requires. I don’t want them being in charge of my food, because when that happens, I order a chicken sandwich, and get a fucking fish sandwich. Which is what happened. I wanted to cuss him, but the look of pride on Corky’s face made me decide against it. I gave him a dollar tip.
Next stop is the gas station, which seems to have been over run by dot heads overnight. It was not my usual store, since I was 20 miles away from Casa de la Carman.
“Camel Filters in a box.”
“No box, only paypa!” I am told
“Fine, it’s no big deal.”
I get Marlboro Lights, a CARTON of them. I tell the bitch as kindly as I can, that I wanted a PACK of Camel Filters.
She says “NO CAMELS, YOU LEAVE!” Why is it I seem to always run into the fucking idiots?
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I hate work.
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I am listening to the new Celtic Frost CD. It has to be the best damn metal CD this year. I would like to talk more about country and rap, to balance things out, but rap gets dated so fast. For example, do you think NWA has any social relevance now? Are they rapping about current issues? Nope, so I don’t listen to it. Just like I don’t like that 70's hippie protest shit. It's just as relevant. And country music seems to be about rich people singing about being poor. No thanks. I will stick with metal. And Celtic Frost may very well have re-invented it, as we perceive it today, and this new CD does not let down. They show these kids of today how it gets fucking done. Buy it. Because the band can use all the money they can get, and if you download it, an annoying beeping sound is all through it. Serves you right for not feeding their kids.
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I ate Chinese food yesterday because I have just given up on those burger joints. I have noticed that in just about every gook place I have been in, the only Chinese there are the workers. I like this because it tells me that Battle Cat is not on the menu. But I do know they put something called MSG in the food to make you addicted and fat. The slant eyes have taken over the west in the Delicious Revolution. Or should I say Dericious Revorution.?
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WEEKLY ZOMBIE REPORT!
Alert, but sadly misinformed reader Baz said: “Hahaha, it must suck living among zombies! I'm so glad they can't swim. Go Europe!”
I guess he forgot that Europe is land locked with Asia, where Nepal is located. Lest we forget, Nepal is suffering an outbreak as we speak! And he is half right, Zombies cannot swim. But they can walk the ocean floors and onto ANY beach. ANY. What you thought was a cut from a shell, or a cut from a fish, could have been a ZOMBIE BITE OR SCRATCH! How about that BARB FROM A STING RAY?
Also, of note, there appears to be a serial killer in Texas. A truck driver has found the decomposed body of an unidentified woman. This could be just the work of a run of the mill wack job, or it could be something more sinister. Readers in Texas, keep your eyes on this case. Decomposed bodies have been found in Ft Lauderdale AND Holly Hill, Florida. Readers on the east coast of Florida, check your supplies. Things could start to get hairy down there. That’s THREE bodies in the southeastern United States that have been reported, or at least made the news where I am at, three states away.
People, I am trying to warn you, but you all think this is a joke. It is not. Zombies are a menace. Much like Spiderman. They must be stopped and destroyed.
Credit to whomever made this poster. May the deity of your choice bless your house.
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Carman, out.
