Jogging With a Spoon - 7
featuring The Weekly Zombie Report
It’s Thanksgiving, and I am doing nothing. On the bright side, I have a four day weekend. I have been pondering things, and I don’t know if they are healthy. I wonder what human flesh tastes like? Cooked of course. I would think that it would be the healthiest meat for a human. But then again, probably not. With all the crap and artificial foods that people eat, I would probably keel over. Well, at least I won’t mind if people eat me. Except the zombies of course, but they're not really people anymore, anyway.
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Also, how much blood DOES a fat person have? Do they have more than an average human? I watched this fat person at Ryan’s for my weekly Cynics' Meeting with The Lady, and decided to ponder this question. We figure they have a lot of guts, at least.
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Perhaps this Thanksgiving I should feed a homeless person to another homeless person. I saw a movie once called Parents. It made me an advocate for any form of entertainment that promotes cannibalism. Also, rumor on the internet is that a Cannibal Holocaust 2 is going to be made. I am willing to bet it will be snubbed at the Academy Awards.
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I pulled out Flogging a Dead Horse by the Sex Pistols the other day. I fucking hate it, and it makes me wonder why I ever liked the Sex Pistols to begin with. First off, I wasted my money years ago on this album, because all it is, is The Great Rock and Roll Swindle, without Belsen Was a Gas or Johnny B Goode. Ripoff.
I’m going to say that American Punk is much better than British Punk. American Punk is just as relevant now as it was back in the 80's (although I could be biased because I am an American Pig-Dog), whereas most British bands sold out and turned into shitty New Wave. What the fuck happened to Billy Idol? That’s right, Hot in the City. I would have to say that my favorite UK punk band is The SubHumans. If there are any others, I sure can’t think of them. I would suggest to anyone reading this, and wants to get into Punk, to pick up Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables by Dead Kennedys. Kill the Poor is a great song, and much better than anything The Sex Pistols put out. Just Sayin’.
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The Weekly Zombie Report
At work, I had a Zombie Sighting. Well, almost. I was driving the work truck and saw a pale black girl with dreadlocks down to her ankles. She was standing on the corner just staring. So I park the truck and grab the bush axe as quietly as I can. I wanted to take this ghoul out by surprise, but she turned around and screamed when she saw me. I swung but she had already curled into a ball. Turns out she is a hooker, and that "voodoo goth" is her gimmick. It almost got her killed, but my razor sharp reflexes saved her life. A ghoul won’t flinch, or feel any fear. If she had been a zombie, she would have attacked me as I approached. Also, Zombies do not blink or start to weep in terror.
I was just trying to do my part, but I did not feel like explaining this to the police, so I left.
There have been more Salmonella and Typhoid outbreaks all across the globe. I tried to warn all of you people, but it just gets brushed off. These outbreaks are in the UK, and India among others, but that is not what I am really worried about. What to look out for is Dengue Fever.
Symptoms include, headache, fever, diarrhea, vomiting, and rashes. Cold, clammy skin is also a symptom to look for. Does any of this sound familiar? It should. This "fever" has been spotted in Cuba, China, Pakistan, and also in an unconfirmed report from Venezuela.
This may be the real thing, kids. Don’t panic, whatever you do. If you have someone in your family that may have this disease, keep them confined until the symptoms either pass or they re-animate. I trust you know what to do then. Never let feelings get in the way of protecting humanity!
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Carman, out.
