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Cool Aunt Rosie
It may take a village to raise a child, but it only takes one ho to fuck it up.
Here I am; a cup of tea in one hand, phone in the other, cigarettes near by because I know I am not going to get through this without one. But I am getting ahead of myself. Let me take you back… ummm, 19 years or so.
I am on my way to my weekend retreat, The Marquis in the City, with visions of $100 dollar bills dancing before my eyes. Don’t ask… that story is for when we are all way older. But I’m on my way out the door when the phone rings: “Lisa is having the baby!! Get to the hospital”, which I, of course, get to just in time to be notified that the asshole father will not be able to attend for at least another hour so could I please go in to Lisa and help her out. We are 18… this is already her second child. I love Lisa like I love one of my cousins - more than just a friend, she is my rock. And although I think she is a complete asshole for having her second child at an age when the rest of our crowd is just discovering how much fun there really is to be had out there - it is her choice, and I love being an Aunt anyway. So, I watch this funny looking, red, screaming girl child being brought into this world and, of course, fall instantly in love. Let’s call her Little Miss I’m Going To Be The Death of my Aunt Rosie. So, with a great sense of relief, I now have two babies (one of each sex!) to play with and to squash whatever mommy genes I possibly have lurking at this tender age. So, with my fun and future still intact, my journey into Auntie-hood begins.
I am the cool Auntie. The one who takes you to amazing places and spoils you with amazing gifts. I am the one you talk to about things you don’t even want to associate your mom with, much less discuss with her… Ever… I have at least 10 nieces & nephews who I am extremely close to. Nieces and nephews who have all lived with me at some point in their lives. It was I who brought them to the circus the first time, their first concert and pretty much first everything else that was fun. For the girls it was I who taught them how to walk in heels and it was I who they called to say it was time for birth control pills. And for the most part… mothers, fathers. brothers, cousins and friends have all been happy with that because it was also I who would walk these kids from class to class when they skipped school, wearing my Flintstone PJs, so I would mortify them enough to never try cutting out again on my watch. I, in short, rock.
Which is why one day recently when I was cruising around Myspace, laughing at the morons out there in the world (meaning my family), that I somehow found my way to my 18 year old niece’s page, and flipped the hell out… You remember the one; “Little Miss I’m Going To Be The Death of my Auntie Rosie”. At first I almost skipped past her page, because the picture on the main page has her eyes behind the camera, big bedhead hair & her mouth opened in what looks to me like a great big O. You know the look. Whore. And then I realize that “HOLY SHIT! THAT IS MY NIECE!!! THAT’S “LITTLE MISS I’M GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF MY AUNTIE ROSE!” I click and browse her page, only to find her talking, first hand, about certain drugs and about certain sexual relationships. Things I most certainly did NOT ever give her permission for.
And now I sit here in wonder, contemplating why it is that I am so freaked? I’m the one that gave her the talks and the books. Didn’t Lisa and I instill in her confidence, strength, independence and respect for herself? I thought so. So I did what any sane woman would do. I called Lisa and yelled at her.
Below is a transcript of that call:
Lisa: Hello?
R: Yeah, it’s me. Did you know that YOUR DAUGHTER IS A HO?
Lisa: What in the hell are you yelling about now?
R: SHE IS A FUCKING HO! Have you read her Myspace?
Lisa: Hell no. What am I, stupid?
R: Well I did. And she is a HO.
Lisa: Why?
R: She is doing things young ladies DO NOT DO.
Lisa: Ummm, like what?
R: Go read it yourself! What am I? A fucking rat? I don’t think so. But let me tell you something, my darling, you have raised yourself quite the little slut there, and I told you so. You should have put her in Maria Reginas (an all girls Catholic school) from the start.
Lisa: Yeah, OK. Weren’t you the one who threatened to kidnap her if I let those “Evil Ones” get a hold of such a strong, spirited child? And besides, YOU are the one who took care of all that sex shit. So this is your fault and your problem. What I don’t know sure as hell ain’t gonna hurt me.
B: What the fuck ever.
Slam.
Now, dear readers, let me take you back to the present; as of one hour ago - the phone call to my niece, Little Miss I’m Going To Fuck my Aunt’s World Up.
Little Miss: Hello?
R: Yeah, it’s me. What in the hell is wrong with you?
Little Miss: AUNTIE Rose!! I miss you!! I have a vacation in two months so I’m coming to stay for a week, OK?
R: Yeah fine, whatever. Listen to me. What in the hell are you doing with your life?
Little Miss: Whaddaya mean?
R: YOUR MYSPACE PAGE TELLS IT ALL!
Little Miss: OH MY GAWD! DID DADDY SEE IT?
R: No.
Little Miss: Did “The Uncles” see it?
R: No.
Little Miss: Mommy? Oh Jesus… Did Mom see it?
R: NO DAMMIT, ME, I SAW IT!!
Little Miss; Oh... So?
R: You look like a Ho!!! And what in the hell are you talking about all that sex for? GAWD! All you do is talk about sex on there. And what’s up with this BS that you are now playing around with bisexuality? WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING WHORE ON THAT PAGE!
Little Miss: But Auntie Rose... Didn’t you yourself say that sexual experimentation is perfectly natural? And that I should always be safe but have fun and find out what works for me?
R: Hell NO! When the hell did I ever say that?
Little Miss: Ummm, always. How am I supposed to be sexually confident if I don’t actually have sex?
R: Don’t you put words in my mouth, young lady.
Little Miss: But Auntie Rose! Wasn’t it you who used to make Grandpa Bobby cry every time we talked about your twenties?
R: Well, you see, it wasn’t just me… it was all of us back then. The eighties were a different time, and ah… er, I mean… Shut the hell up. And didn’t I tell you not to be stubborn and learn from my mistakes?
Little Miss: Yes!!! Which is why I am being very picky. And it’s also why I spent my last two paychecks on having my pictures done!
R: Pictures? For what?
Little Miss: Don’t you remember? You said that the nudes you did were so horrible that you could never use them? Well, I invested good money so I don’t have the same shit happen to me!!
R: YOU POSED NAKED? OH MY GOD! I’M GOIN TO RIP YOUR HAIR OUT!!!!
Little Miss: Oh Relax, I’m not going to send them in. I just want the pictures so when I get old, like you guys, I can look back on my glory days with pride. And didn’t you see the pictures on Myspace?
R: Yes!! I saw the one with your mouth wide open, like you were gonna blow any guy who happened to walk by. And I cannot believe, after all we have talked about, that this is what you take away from it.
Little Miss: But didn’t you see the other pics?
R: YEAH!! I SEE THEM!! All your little friends that look like a bunch of sluts!!!
Little Miss: BUT AUNTIE Rose! Those LAST TWO PICS are of YOU!!!!!!!
R: LIKE HELL THEY ARE… Wait a second… HOLY SHIT! You know what, just never you mind. CLEAN THAT FUCKING PAGE UP!
Slam.
So here’s the moral of my story ladies: It’s OK to freak out when you see the kids doing what we ourselves have already done. As long as you have taught them to stick up for themselves, to have pride in themselves & everything else about self respect, then they too will make it to our ripe age. Sure, there will be bad outfits, sexually loose morals, calls in the middle of the night when they wake up in some airport not knowing how they got there. It’s all OK. Because in another couple of years they will have kids of their own, and then I can have my revenge.
Oh yes… for every grey hair I pull out today, for every shot of scotch I take to cope with their stupidities, there will be sticky play-dough, a loud drum kit, noisy electric guitars with blasting amps, huge ass annoying Great Dane puppies and all the other obnoxious cool stuff that will make me the ever so Great Aunt Rosie once again, only to THEIR kids this time.
Payback may be a bitch, but Aunt Rosie will be laughing her ass off. And at the end of the day... isn’t that what this is all about? I rock. I win.
TTR
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