How to Make Love Like a Porn Star

as told by Jenna Jameson

and written down by Neil Strauss

"There comes a moment in every life when a choice must be made between right and wrong, between good and evil, between light and darkness..."

No shit. There’s an original thought.

I loved, LOVED, “The Dirt” - can’t fucking stand Motley Crue but I loved “The Dirt” - and this is by the same author. He has a great, easy style. And frankly, at night I’m into nice & easy.

I also have a great deal of respect for Mz. Jenna... she has a head for biz, and she made the porn industry her own playground where people played by her rules. Ha, gotta love that in a chick.

Plus, Mz. Jenna is known for running around claiming that she was never abused, raped & that she came from a perfectly normal family & still decided to get into porn. HOOORRAYYYY!!!

A girl with my morals.

This country is so obsessed with sex & the RULES. Fuck the rules... If you go to bed horny night after night for no reason, maybe you should rethink the rules. Good girls may go to heaven but they sure as FUCK don’t enjoy the life “God” gave them.

Anyway... Mz. Jenna is a nice normal girl. WRONG! It seems that she was abused, raped and her mother died young. Oh Dear God, I have heard this story from every hooker, escort, stripper, porn star I have ever met. Blah, blah, blah.

As I sat down to continue reading this book, that at times BORED me to tears, I had a little snackie. A new candy bar... "Take 5"... It's chocolate covered pretzels with caramel, peanuts and peanut butter. Damn, that stuff was tasty. Much, much better than anything I have had lately (shut up Sebastian). And anyway, I’m all about the chocolate. My personal fav is Bacci. Bacci rocks my world! Gotta love the Italians for coming up with that one. And it’s cheaper than Godiva, which I find overpriced & there is not enough coca butter in it.  Ok, Bounty is good too, but this new Take 5 is my current favorite. I like the salty contradiction to the sweetness of the chocolate. And the peanut butter is not overwhelming. Frankly, all in all... American chocolate sucks. Did you ever get a box of Russel Stover? Please, that stuff is crap! (Although I do have to admit the coating on a Dove ice cream bar is yummy in a pinch.) If I am pre-menstrual (which seems like 95% of the time) chocolate is the only cure.

And beating my family...

Try whacking the shit outta someone in your house & then curl up with a good candy bar. It works. And if you have smacked them hard enough they don’t fuck with your chocolate.

Ok, back to Mz. Jenna... eh, you wanna get into the biz... give her book a read. You fantasize about her constantly, chances are you read it already. But on the average... not worth the price.

You wanna make love like a porn star? She hit the nail on the head with that one: Get really dressed up in your best ho outfit, get yourself into a really uncomfortable position, make sure you make a lot of faces (mainly the one where you form your heavily lipsticked mouth into an O), talk dirty “yeah, baby, fuck me harder” - “oh Jesus, how big is that thing” - “Don’t stop I’m cummmmmmmming”... Roar like a lion & then when you think your back or thigh muscles are about to rip, say something like “OH JESUS CHRIST THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE THIS HOTTER IS IF JENNA JAMESON WAS SUCKING YOUR HUGE COCK AS IT WAS SLIDING IN & OUT OF ME AND PLEASE PLEASE POP THAT LOAD IN MY MOUTH”. 

That’s a good one. And here’s a tip if your leg or back muscles do lock up on you; feel free to force him out & wail “I just couldn’t take that anymore, I think you maybe too big”.

It should give you enough time to stretch...

Any other advice, feel free to email me... I have a ton of ideas for you.

The only thing that bothered me about the book is that she very carefully documents her relationships with men. Still has not identified the problem & thinks the man she is married to now is THE ONE.

For that I am sorry for her.

All in all... if her book was chocolate...

I would rate it "a bag of M&M’s without the nuts".

TTR