Lucifer: God’s Bitch

Ok, so we all know the story, right? Well maybe not the same story. I have come to see that maybe my Catholic upbringing wasn’t typical. Maybe it was due to the women I was surrounded with. Perhaps I lucked out with kick ass, loving, funny priests & nuns who burned their bras. (All except for Mother Superior Bignigness whose sole purpose in life was to torture generations of my family, with me as the head sacrificial lamb… and Yeah, I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!)

Anyway the story goes like so: Lucifer was one of God's big angels, I mean big like Capo big, and he was getting a little tired of all the bullshit God had him running around doing for us fucked up humans. So Mr. Lucifer got a little pissy & started his own rebellion… Big L felt (rightly so) that the angels deserved the majority of God’s love. I mean how would you feel if you spent every waking moment, every ounce of energy and every fiber of your love on someone only to find out that you are not top dog in that someone’s heart one day? Well, unless you're some asshole’s first wife (then you probably got that feeling down pat) you have no idea...

Where in the hell were we? Oh, so he is pissed to all wherever and back because God decides that after all the angels’ work they’re still dropped a rung down on the ladder of God’s love to make room for the pesky humans going up. Lucifer starts the rebellion & gets kicked out of heaven. HAHA, told you it sounds like a lot of first wives I know.

So Mr. Lucifer goes down to hell & starts his own thing. Now he is down there being pissy, as only a MALE angel could possibly be, but still loving the Big Jerk… What does he decide to do? Does he make God’s life a mess by fucking with what he loves the most? Us humans?

NOOOOOO. Dumbass decides to be God’s bitch. He takes all the nasty, evil, perverted people (you know like unborn or, GOD FORBID, unbabtized children) & brings them down to his home where he punishes them in a lake of fire for all of eternity. Thereby making us all run around worrying about how to get to the most Holy of Places after death. He scares us, tempts us, causes genocide, rape, pillage & all around destruction & then punishes us for him. So God does not have to do it. Famine, murder, rape, pestilence? Blame Lucifer.

WHY???? Now, you know & I know that if anything he should have made hell a really fun place to b,e just to get the big guy’s goat. Not be his bitch… This tells us, Ladies & gentlemen, that Lucifer is not only a man, but not too bright of a man either.

Come on… Let’s replay this scene where Lucifer is Lucy - the woman angel. Same shit happens… only we can bet our sweet asses that hell is going to look like Las Vegas on a Saturday night, with $50K of disposable income in your pocket. Humankind is going to be lining up at the friggin doors for a chance to go to hell. I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the Saints, and all that shit. There would be applications on why you should deserve to go to hell. That would be sticking it to God in a big way.

So where am I going with this?  Well, we know God is God. He made us. I think that Lucifer is God’s main squeeze & this whole getting kicked outta heaven was just bullshit ‘cause it was getting way too stuffy up there. I think they are both running around laughing their asses off at us & wondering when we are gonna get the message right.

What’s the message? I have no idea… I spent 50 years in Catholic school. I was too busy going to confession & praying on my knees.

But lets just suppose I’m right… it would put a new spin on things, wouldn’t it?

This is Tip Toe Rosie, wishing you a Great New Year and hope that all of you go to hell.

Salute,

TTR