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Pride & Porno
Here’s my take on porno:
LOVE IT.
Here’s my take on 90% of the porn made for women:
…
Oh, I’m sorry. I must have dozed off. Anyway, women’s porn, I hate it.
My friends and I would always make sure we got together for a slumber party at least four times a year. We dropped all the kids off with one of the “guys” and then chose the nicest home to “slumber” in. And we always had a themes - the theme generally being “Let’s get drunk and watch crappy TV and PORN”. And we would just wet our panties while laughing about how half that stuff is not even feasible. Much less realistic. But porn is supposed to be fantasy. It’s not supposed to be feasible. And frankly, the guys have it all over on us on the porn thing. It is a much more realistic expectation that I’m going to get laid when I walk out of the bedroom wearing 5” fuck-me heels rather than have one of these Fabio looking romantic, gentle cuddle sessions they feature in a lot of women’s porn. Guys would watch that crap and get soft for a month.
If you are a single woman, then go out there and find some good porn for yourself. Enjoy it. If you are in a relationship, then you should find pornos that make you both happy. And since some of these pornos cost like $70, make sure you get good use out of it. And use them sparingly. Let him know that your inner freak is way kinkier then his inner freak, and, at the same time, that we don’t always have the desire for marathon or circus type sex.
Make it a fun time. Break out a bottle of scotch. Get dressed up. Pop in the porn. And DO NOT TOUCH HIM. Or allow him to touch you. If you can tie him to a chair then I suggest you do it. Anyway… watch the entire movie from start to finish. Relax. And then lead him into the bedroom, or not. Whatever will get you off the most. And then have fun.
Next time you do it …. Put it in and let him nail you as soon as he wants, as hard as he wants.
Time after that …. Now you guys should pretty much have this movie down pat. So here is what I consider my “goodbye to this damn movie, I’m getting tired of it” party:
Call him at work and tell him that you want to just cuddle and watch a good movie. It is, after all, your turn and last week you did watch Monty Python with him. So tonight let’s watch “Pride & Prejudice”. Ignore the crying. When you are capable of blowing his mind, you get away with shit like that. And what he doesn’t know is that you really have a Porn Party planned.
Make his favorite dinner for him. Or not. Get some good weed. Or not. Some excellent booze. Or not. Whatever the two of you like. The key is that when he walks in the door you are ready. Dressed and horny. Take him to the shower...get him all cleaned up. Eat, drink … and then, when he is almost done with dinner, say to him in your best voice:
“Honey (eyes down like you’re incredibly shy about this), would it be ok with you if we don’t watch “Pride & Prejudice” tonight?” Ignore the maniacal look of glee on his face. And then say, “I was thinking… if you’re not too tired that we could put in that porno we watched last month and act it out.” Remember: eyes down, look shy. They LOVE that stuff.
He thinks you are a symphony being played for his soul alone and you get your rocks off.
It’s a win-win situation.
TTR
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