Internet Friendships
By
Succubyss
I read an article recently that stated how very important it was for women to have close girlfriends. It went on and on about how women need to bond with each other and have “special” girl’s nights out and how women need to “nurture” each other.
Um…no. And before you jump to the conclusion that this will become an article about how I am one of those women who has more guy friends than girls because guys understand me better and women are so “gelus” of all my fine attributes, let me reassure you, that is not where I’m going with this. I’m here to tell you that all friends are a pain in the ass and if you want the outlet that friends supposedly provide, the Internet is the way to go.
Friendship is fraught with perils. Expectations set the tone with friends and gods forbid if you don’t live up to them. Time spent on the phone must be reciprocated. If she calls you, you have to call her next and if you don’t, there is hell to pay. You must support your friend in matters of fashion, relationships, political and religious debate. You don’t need to necessarily AGREE, but you are expected to support their point of view. Which is quite ridiculous when you think about it. If your friend is dating a guy who regularly punches her lights out and you’re the one she calls EVERY time it happens, how can you possibly remain supportive of her? All the advice columns say that if you are a TRUE friend, you need to remain available, be non-judgmental and provide options. If this person truly were YOUR friend, they would get their act together and stop bothering you about the same thing over and over and over.
Another issue is the amount of time you are supposed to spend with friends. It can be quite draining. How many times have you sat across a table listening to some friend blather on about their husband’s promotion or lack thereof and all you could think about was the cheesecake in your refrigerator that you wanted to eat in private after you threw a load of laundry in so your kid wouldn’t have to wear the same Spiderman underwear to school for the third day in a row?
The Internet can save you from these burdens of friendship and get you to that cheesecake.
First of all, you can’t see even your closest friends looking like you just rolled out of bed. Unless you are a healthy, tall, thin 17 year old, you look like crap before you take a shower and get out of that old, torn Metallica t-shirt you sleep in. And let me tell you, your friends are judging you when you look that way. They are going home to their husband and saying, “I don’t mean to be catty (yea, right), but I never realized Susie used so much makeup to cover those bags under her eyes.”
The Internet takes care of all those visuals by simply eliminating them. You can logon to a message board or jump into a chat room anytime of the day or night wearing that Metallica t-shirt, your hair in curlers with a mud masque on your face and no one is the wiser. You can discuss politics in fuzzy slippers or religion in your underwear and your appearance doesn’t add or detract from your intellectual point of view. And if there are people who disagree with you, you can just keep typing. Which brings me to another problem the Internet solves for you. Social graces.
Even the most understanding of Real Life (RL) friends expects you to maintain a certain level of politeness. You have to ask how they are, you can’t interrupt them when they talk, and you have to act interested in what they say. The Internet does away with all these tedious aspects of friendship.
You can pop into a chat room uninvited. You don’t have to make nice face whilst inquiring as to the health and welfare of the individual before slowly working your way into the topic you want to discuss. Nope, with Internet friends, you are suddenly just THERE. Your first words contributed to the conversation can be, “Hey, I had sex today!” or “St. Anger sucks” or “My husband popped me in the eye again” and you don’t have to worry about any polite lead-in to that conversation. And if you’re already in the chat room when someone comes in with any of those statements, you are free to respond just as abruptly with any number of responses, including, but not limited to the versatile, “Fuck off”.
The Internet also takes care of any follow-up that needs to be addressed after a chat room conversation or message board post. No more do you have to make a courtesy call to see what happened or how someone feels. You can make a post about it if you feel the need or you can just forget about it if you want. If you were the one spilling your guts in a drunken chat moment, you never have to reference it again. You don’t even have to show up to that chat or message board again if it was an especially revealing moment. BUT, what if you want to go back? Do you have to apologize or explain yourself? Absolutely not! Just change your screen name and start all over!
Internet “friendships” are a beautiful thing.
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