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Modern Medical Miracle
By
Succubyss
"Keep That Spark Alive! "
"Strong and Lasting!"
"If a Playful Moment Turns into the Right Moment, You Can Be Ready!"
Sounds fun and exciting right? I bet you want whatever these products have to offer, don’t you? These taglines are from Viagra, Levitra and Cialis, respectively. Drugs to assist in correcting erectile dysfunction. Drugs that have been developed and are being aggressively marketed because as one men’s website puts it, “Every man's worst nightmare is to realize, in the heat of a passionate moment, that he can't get an erection.”
Really? Is that a man’s worst nightmare? I’m sure that terrorists, zombies and bill collectors just simply CANNOT compare with the thought of not being able to get it up.
If you can’t get an erection, just try again later. How frightening is that? Drink less beer, lose 10 pounds, light a candle, change the sheets… is doing any or even ALL of that truly nightmare inducing? What is it that makes it so damn scary?
The fact that we have these drugs isn’t the most disturbing thing about them. The marketing plan is. The commercials are about the least sexually stimulating thing I’ve ever seen, for either men or women. They border on downright disturbing. Mike Ditka hawking hard-ons can’t possibly inspire anyone. He’s one of the most demanding football coaches this country has ever known. Do guys buy into that sports analogy for EVERYTHING? Do you want Da Coach on your sidelines, throwing empty Gatorade cups on your bed, shouting, “YOU’RE NEVER A LOSER UNTIL YOU QUIT TRYING?”
Then we have the nice geriatric couple in the park. It’s a beautiful day. Until they share a glass of wine and start getting all touchy-feely with each other. The man has “The Face”. You women know exactly what I’m talking about. The face with the googly-eyes that say, “C’mon baby, you know you want it.” Which is bad enough when it’s your own guy, in your own house, while you’re trying to do dishes, answer the phone and clean the cat vomit from the kitchen table. But seeing this old guy with “The Face” pawing at this woman in a public park while the phrase, “If a playful moment turns into the right moment, you can be ready” scrolls across the screen is like walking in on your parents before church on Sunday! EEEWWWWW! YUCK!
It doesn’t help that they’ve obviously tried too hard in casting people with “average” looks in these commercials. I’m sure they want to appeal to the poor Joe Blow sitting in his recliner, reminiscing about his “blue steel” days. Too bad that most of these people look like it would take a case of Viagra and a couple of paper bags to make that “moment” happen.
Then we have the ever-popular side effects. For all the boner-inducing meds, the most common side effects are, headaches, muscle aches, stuffy or runny nose, stomachache and/or nausea. So instead of a nice evening at home with your man, talking and watching television, or spending quality time with the family, he can pop one of these little miracle pills and spend the night grunting and thrusting before his nose starts running uncontrollably and he pukes all over your new down comforter.
Listen, I work full-time, have two teenagers, an assortment of animals, demanding friends and a plethora of trivial daily activities. Honey, if you can’t get it up, that means I’m getting 15 minutes more sleep at the end of the day. I’m ok with that. And if I’m truly in the mood, there are more ways to make me happy in the sack than a 36-hour stiffie. Do you know the alphabet? Good, slide down and start writing it with your tongue. If you have to repeat the vowels a few times, well, it’s the least you can do. If you’re really nice, maybe I’ll help spur you on to a “special moment” of your own, without the aid of modern medical science. I can probably even do it without a coach.
