"Internet Boyfriend In a Coma"
Don’t pretend this doesn’t happen... We truly have entered a new millennium and cyber dating and cyber match sites are ubiquitous as e-mails from Dic*Kgrow#th… You can take your dating misery and go global… Why confine it to your small town and the same rehashed men at the Bowl‘o’Rama when there is AOL? Thousands of lonely, socially inept, bitter, alcoholic, cynical and/or butt ugly men are just dying to meet YOU!!!
Of course I am not really one to talk; I have an Internet sweetheart… He has a dangerous job and is currently living in a war zone, has been held hostage then served tea, been in areas of attack etc… You get the picture. He is a Guerilla Tech. He carries an AK and a laptop... I worry about him getting killed. I read the news and people get killed there numerous times a day. I asked him to promise me he wouldn’t get killed. He refused of course. He knows it is unrealistic to make promises like that same as I know it is unrealistic to ask people to make promises like that… But I started thinking about it... What if he did get killed? Other than the obvious… How the devil do you explain that???
“Yes, Aunt Gloria, I lost my internet boyfriend and will be riding the bus to Canada to pay my final respects” “Yes’ ma’am they cut his head off” “Yes, his head” “ Yes’ ma’am, I saw the video, I thought the ‘I LOVE YOU TALLULAH’ was a nice touch” “Yes’ ma’am , he was my internet boyfriend” “No’ ma’am not yet, he was outcountry, but we were” “Yes,ma’am but the Astrology Shop and Match.com said we were completely compatible” “No’mam I don’t think he had a real girlfriend, just me… the internet one” “ No’ ma’am, I ain’t gonna fight his Mama over the ashes but thank you for the words of wisdom concerning his remains” “ No, I don’t reckon Oprah would be interested in this”…
… Does Internet Girlfriend even get you in the front row folding chairs at the funeral?? Would people whisper when you came in “that was his internet girlfriend” and look you up and down and wonder if they should offer condolences... It wouldn’t surprise me to start seeing obituaries that say things like “survived by his loving family and Internet girlfriend”…
Cyber dating is a growing trend... I know people living together currently who met online, people now married who met online, people who dated online and now spend their lives writing mean shit about one another under different screen names on different message boards. I see a whole new chapter in Etiquette and couples divided in categories; “Cybers’ and “Naturals’... prejudice and hate rearing its ugly head... Arrogant Cybers who believe their emotion comes from a higher place and their love was born on a cerebral level. Naturals who believe true love is born of endless blind dates (blind in the sense you wanted to claw your eyes out) with friends of friends’ uncles and loitering by the hot wings during happy hour etc... Suffering has given their relationship a legitimacy that Cybers don’t have. Or do they? Let’s consider this for a moment... Some of these Internet sweethearts spend more time conversing with one another than many married or co-habitating couples do. Many eventually do meet and see one another as often as circumstance permits and still continue the daily pattern of communication via the Internet. Does this really negate the ‘couple hood’ of it? Do you really have to sniff each other’s every fart to be considered an intimate loving couple? Virtual lovers... The word ‘Virtual’ is defined as "existing in power or effect but not actually"... Equivalent to, but perceived as, "different" or even "deficient".
I wonder if funny or romantic e-mails will one day be as prized as personal letters between historical lovers are... Maybe E-bay will start a whole separate section for them. I also wonder if the wives of soldiers, sailors, whalers, miners, cowboys, outlaws, explorers, dust bowl victims, immigrants, felt their love the lesser love... Were the letters and pictures enough for them? It was enough in “Cold Mountain”…
Is the Internet ushering in a new age of romanticism or will it be the death of romance? That is the question and I am sure some Internet bard will post volumes on the subject and draw parallels between the letters James Joyce wrote his lover and modern cyber eroticism... Reality is subjective and perception is everything...
Don’t get me wrong; I still have philosophical inconsistencies regarding ‘net ships’, much like the philosophical inconsistencies I have about men in general, women in general, dating in general, and stilettos versus platforms, designer handbags, and politics... Opinion gets tied to experience and a favorable outcome generally results in a favorable opinion. My Internet sweetheart getting his head chopped off is liable to color my opinion drastically but I am really hoping that won’t happen and for now whatever we are doing is enough…
In Absinthe Veritas,
Tallulah (I swear it isn’t the satellite phone sex) Crankhead
