“If I should fall from grace with Cosmo”
I found out today... standing in line at the grocery store... I am ‘out’ as in... I am not “in’... Helluva thing to find out when you are still trying to decide what to cook for dinner and your 6 year old is dancing around your feet like a trained monkey begging for quarters and you have the cart that makes the farting noises every third time you push/slide/shove across the floor… But it was right there in front of me... in glossy scintillating color... smelling of some new celebrity perfume... Not only was I not ‘IN’... I was also ‘WRONG’… I was now doing the wrong yoga, wearing the wrong underwear, I needed to cut the hair I spent four seasons growing out because they said to...wrong eye shadow, wrong gloss... I am dewy... it’s all about matte. I don’t even want to fuck the right male celebrity...
I continue waiting in line while a song by the Smiths runs through my head... ‘I’ve seen this happen in other people’s lives and now it’s happening to mine”...
The lady in front of me had an ass encased in black lycra/spandex/cotton blend that could have used a bit more spandex in that mix… She wasn’t worried about being in style and neither were the pigs fighting under that blanket of stirrup pant…Then she turned around and I saw she had a beard… I then decided that perhaps she was not applicable to my lapse…
I have lapsed too... Shaving all the hair from your body on a daily basis should have been mentioned in Dante’s Inferno... Not that I or anyone I know ever got a particular thrill from it... it was a duty, a courtesy to the at the time boyfriend who by the way had a back like a berber rug. The razor commercials make it seem like an obligation to sacred femininity... When will hairy legs come back in??? I believe I would take steps to minimize a beard though…
“Real Women Have Curves”... the same fat asses they were sweating off us with last years pilates are suddenly in fashion… I can’t find my feminine niche...(they make a cream for that though) I don’t wear the double digits so I can’t join the ‘baby got back’ sisterhood and I am not gacking up my fried oyster po boy so I am excluded from that secret sorority too.. I took the ‘Do you need plastic surgery quiz” and was informed that indeed I did and here was a half off coupon redeemable at Al’s House of Implants and Suck Outs.. .
By now I realize I have eaten 2 bars of Hershey’s Milk Chocolate and my child is industriously trying to stuff his sweaty little larcenous mitt up a gumball machine and I owe the cashier 232.00 bucks for organic fruits and vegetables and some buffalo and ostrich meat... She even gave me the ‘you are so outre’ look … Pfft. like I care… bitch had blue eye shadow on... She asked me if I was buying the magazine I was clenching and fortunately I still had enough of last season’s narcissism to toss it back to her with ‘No, thank you.. It has chocolate all over it”… I get back to the car and unload my so last year’s groceries, catch sight of myself in the rear view and realized I had chocolate all over my mouth… I decided to keep it… You never know...The Dirty Sanchez could be the next big thing…
In Absinthe Veritas,
Tallulah Crankhead
