“Fuck Shui”
I had an epiphany over the holidays... I went to see my friend Billie while I was on the West Coast and during my exile she had found Zen and the art of home décor... She has remodeled and redecorated her home and it is now Japanese minimalism with modern appliances. She had her remodel-warming party while I was there and I have to say; what the hell do you get someone with nothing in his or her house and happy about that fact..? I ended up getting her a bonsai tree /undernourished sapling and some bamboo rice steamer things… I made an attempt at sticking with the motif. There were about 40 people in attendance and again I have to say; the cocktail trays were also sticking with the minimalist theme... Shrimp on toothpick, California roll, sake, plum wine dealio.. .
Later after we were all drunk and high I asked her about the new look and if it was a look or had she read a new Deepak Chopra book?? It was neither she said... Apparently she had woken up in the middle of the night and instead of taking another Ambien and being late for work she decided to get rid of everything in her house that stressed her, aggravated her, or consumed more time than it was worth to her… Of course this was practically everything. She got rid of her job hounding the indigent and is teaching pottery and weaving instead... The dead beat old boyfriend everyone secretly hated and thought looked like Abe Vigoda was gone, the 26 extra pounds was gone, the temperamental old Volvo was gone, her pager was gone, her palm pilot was gone… even some wrinkles had disappeared...
I was jealous and envious and I wanted to be all spiritual and deep and minimal and Zen too. I couldn’t wait to get home and start throwing my shit away... All my shit… All the evidence of my product whoring, all the clothes that might fit or come back in style or be the only thing left clean one day, all the shoes I don’t wear. I was envisioning crisp clean rooms with white light surrounding me and a serene look on my face... Nothing to dust or vacuum or spot clean. In fact, I would throw all my clothes away and get that tube system travel wardrobe thing and never have to wade through piles of clothing I hate again... I would get rid of my flatware and only eat with chopsticks… Really start spending more time on my enlightenment than looking around at yard sales... Maybe get some temple bells and a futon, learn tantric sex and listen to chants... Set a better example and not be about crass consumerism and possessions. I was going to make a change. I was even going to start doing yoga at least three times a week…
I was off in Tibet somewhere riding a yak with Shirley McLain when I felt Billie shaking my arm and asking me if I wanted any or all of her old stuff for when I move back to the west coast... She had some nice stuff… My visions of a more minimalistic life evaporated instantly when I thought of her Arts and Crafts pieces and embroidered pillows. My newfound resolutions were no proof against the thought of getting my hands on that unexpected largesse. I was almost ashamed of my weak mindedness and declined her offer but greed and avariciousness kicked in and saved the day... I could examine this character flaw of mine in greater detail I am sure but I think I am going to have some Zen about that, accept my karma and her silver serving pieces...
In Absinthe Veritas,
Tallulah Crankhead
