Dear Editor in Chief…
While I am pleased with the title of “In Absinthe Veritas” it still provides no clues as to what the actual content of this column is going to be... I had thought perhaps politics but God knows the net is lousy with drunkards writing about politics... Of course that’s not to say I might not one day become intoxicated and use this space to talk shit about the government and try and drum up support for my plan to take care of the problem in Iraq and the problem with Social Security in one fell swoop… (I don’t want to give it away but it does involve senior citizens, bicycles and Depends undergarments packed with C-4...)
You had mentioned previously that you didn’t care if I talked about waxing my arm pits… I had thought about incorporating some elements in the column that might appeal to hormonal, product/shoe/bag whoring women on the verge of a nervous breakdown but I am not sure I should talk about my personal life or strange dreams about Art Garfunkel.
Is anyone going to be talking about consumer issues and why nothing, and I mean NOTHING, in the “as seen on TV” (or ordered in a really optimistic fugue state) works as advertised or why every other commercial on television is for a prescribed drug. Don’t these companies realize we can’t just go and buy it, no matter how good it sounds on TV, and I can’t risk asking my doctor for a drug I saw on TV that quite possibly is for balding impotent men… or why Bare Minerals make up causes your face to look as though you were worked over by a 1st week cosmetology student moonlighting at the morgue instead of fresh and lovely…
I know someone is doing a music column but I may slip up and review some semi obscure album by artists only dope smoking hippies or the tone deaf might enjoy, or editorializing about bands with names that sound more like a venereal disease than rock and roll.
Another thing... are there any legal ramification if I discuss my ongoing war with my JerrySpringeresque neighbors with the 34 dogs and numerous children already showing signs of becoming either serial killers or motivation speakers... or the issue I am having with above mentioned neighbor’s pack of hounds routinely running away and coming to my house like it is a canine underground railroad station... The neighbor also believes she was abducted by aliens but that is a whole other thing.
I am still debating about commenting on the nature of men and why they are as incomprehensible as they are... I have a theory... I may have mentioned it... has to do with blood flow to the penis depriving the brain of oxygen occasionally for extended periods of time… not that I will be man bashing... of course that depends on where I am in my cycle though..
I will be making an effort to limit my philosophical inconsistencies and errors involving commas…
In Absinthe Veritas,
Tallulah Crankhead
