Artwork used with permission from Neverland Music Inc.
Annihilator
"Schizo DeLuxe"
Rating:
Reviewed by:
Beppo Blitzkrieg
Jesus sunshine Christ. My editor just called me and screamed at me to get my ass out of bed and go listen to knac.com broadcasting the new Annihilator album live over the internet.
What the fuck am I, the motherfucking welfare DRS metal review clown? (Don’t answer that.)
Fuck me. Real reviewers get a motherfucking promo copy. I get to wrap my stained sheet around my crusty person, drag myself to the computer and listen to some cock sucking low-fi radio preview shit through my K-mart speakers. The sound quality is so bad I am expecting a “Houston we have a fucking problem” throughout the whole thing. Maybe DRS could stop pissing people off and get some good shit directly from the label instead? There’s a thought for you.
OK, since this all sounds like shit I am just gonna pretend the production is up to par with later Annihilator releases and just focus on the songs, OK? Thanks, ever so much, for you motherfucking approval. I have my little gay notepad, and I’m ready to scribble down my random thoughts and comments. (Whether I'll be able to read the shit, to make sense out of it later on, is my editor’s fucking problem. Or yours. Either way, I don't care.)
First of all. I love Annihilator. Well, I used to. I can’t say I have been very impressed with later releases, but what the hell. I still dig the motherfuckers. Or rather, motherfucker. Fucking singular on that. It’s just Jeff Waters and his eternal roster of members and ex-members on a rotating schedule. What the fuck is up with that anyway? Are they just hanging around the Annihilator Farm, waiting for that phone call, depending on what singer or drummer Jeff pulls out of a hat? He’s like the motherfucking Malmsteen of Thrash, doing most everything himself, and only enlisting the occasional hired no-name guns to yell at in the studio. I guess he’s nicer than Malmsteen though, since these guys at least seem to come back for more abuse.
Well, this time it’s David Padden’s turn to sing again (lucky winner two albums in a row – Go Dave!), but Mike Mangini gets to go back to the motherfucking Farm without passing Go (and without collecting the staggering royalties from this album, I’m sure) and instead we have Tony Chappelle on drums.
OK, here we go. This is live radio, mind you, so bear with me if I fall asleep or go off on a tangent. (Wouldn't you be surprised if that happened? Me neither.)
Some chick is reading the “Annihilator for Dummies” from Post-Its that I’m sure Jeff Waters has stuck all over the knac studio. I wish she would just shut the fuck up so we can get this show on the road. If your name ain’t Bloody Mary I don’t wanna hear from you in the morning. (It is morning, right?)
First song, “Maximum Satan” kicks off with a cool pounding driving rhythm. Cool title. Right up there with “Very Pregnant” and “Kinda Dead”. I prefer my amount of Satan to be downed in more than minimal doses, so I’m game. Two things annoy me about this otherwise good Annihilator song. The vocals are fucking layered and it makes them sound motherfucking Gay as Fuck. Give me my thrash metal straight up please, without the fucking harmonizers and smart effects. Just fucking sing it. Or scream it. Either fucking way. The other thing is that they fade the song out while Waters finally get around to soloing. What the fuck? Did Crystal Ann get to the crystal meth again? Let me hear the fucking guitars! I hate faded out songs. Can’t come up with an ending to the song? Maybe you should go back to the drawing board. Never mind, maybe it was knack.com who faded it. Overall a great stomping track with really good chunky motherfucking guitars and interesting riffs. I especially like the little acoustic "Alison Hell" sounding interlude in the middle.
Then follows two rather weak ass generic tracks, still with excellent riffage though:
“Drive” – Blistering guitars, but did the drum machine only come with one pre-set from the factory? Give me a break, literally. This drummer puts me to sleep. There’s a really cool treat halfway through this song though; a motherfucking bass solo to the rescue! Jason Newsted’s “Iron Tears” can now rest in peace.
“Warbird” - The same motherfucking boring drums once again just setting a monotonous pace, without any spectacular detours. The song is all right I guess. Kinda typical Annihilator with the same old angry talk-style-singing but also with the great trademark Waters chunky guitars. Balance in the universe, motherfucker. Padden gets to do some serious motherfucking screaming here at the very end of the song. Good for him. Let it the fuck out, kid. Don't hold back.
You gotta love a song with the title “Plasma Zombies”. I think I had at least four or five of those motherfuckers down at my local juke joint last night. I am sure this song is all about the TV slavery of the young or some important shit like that, but I will pretend it’s about a high octane drink and just giggle throughout the song. OK? Thanks. Really. I like this song. A lot. It reminds me so much more of earlier Annihilator than the other songs before it. Kinda like a mixture of the really good songs from “Neverland” and “Set the World on Fire”. Very good. I am digging the ripping solos too. They are wilder than usual, outrageous even. The song ends with a space ass TWANG that sends me floating back to my teen years on a string.
OK, here we go! Motherfucker! “Invite It” could have been one of the best songs on any Annihilator album! Past or present! This fucking kicks ass! Old school insane like “Braindance” (didn’t that song start with a phone ringing as well?) and cool lyrics I can relate to: “Voices in my head - Driving me insane - Playing with my brain”. Fucking tell me about it. Motherfantastifuckalicious solo here too! Great playing. And what is this? What is THIS shit? David Padden is SINGING! Stop the damn presses. Singing like a motherfucker too! Why the fuck doesn’t Waters tap that potential more? Go for it. Let the poor guy sing, dammit. Why do you have the motherfucker talk-singing on 99% of the CD for? What is he, a fucking rapper? He’s got pipes. Great tune!
“Like Father, Like Gun” has one of those really cool opening riffs that you could swear you’ve heard a Godzillion times before, but when it comes down to it, you haven’t. You were just confused. But it’s still one of those great riffs that makes you fall down to your knees and blow whatever powers that be for making you a metal head to begin with. The Cradle of Metal is rocking like a motherfucker here.
On “Pride” Padden gets to fucking SING again! Whoppie-fucking-doo motherfucker. This CD has no crappy ballads (as has otherwise been general practice by Waters on recent releases) so I guess this tune will have to qualify as the most “commercially viable” (business-lingo for “kinda sappy”). Don’t think that means this is a slow song or anything. Some parts here are faster than a motherfucking shark! Awesome riff leading into the solo. They should have picked this for a single, as it showcases all the quality aspects of Annihilator: wild, whacky, technical and groovy with some great motherfucker riffs, dive-bomb guitars and catchy hooks.
“Too far gone” starts off with two guitars taking turns playing the same cool riff to each other. One sounds like Waters, 15 year olds in his garage with a Gorilla amp on 10, and the other sounds like Jeff today, in the studio, playing his ESP with all the bells and whistles. Intentional? What the fuck do I know? I am just the resident ass clown here. In the end there are some spooky guitars that sound like the theme from that ancient computer game “Ghosts and Goblins”. Remember that? No? That’s because you never had a Commodore 64 and no friends. So let’s say it sounds like those insanely eerie keyboards in that Candlemass song “Ebony Throne” instead. Don’t know them either? How fucking old are you, 9? Does your mommy know you’re reading my column? Is she hot?
“Clare” might be the best song Annihilator has recorded since the first two albums. Great evil tune with slow, half-broken cleanish guitars, and with Padden theatrically singing about some Clare he’s looking for. Isn’t that the scary fucking doll from “Never, Neverland”? Then that makes this song even cooler. Love it. Later on we get treated to some vintage Annihilator-riffage, and then the song ends with the Thrash Metal answer to “Eruption”. Cool. If Eddie Van Alco-Halen is too damn drunk off his ass to play these days, somebody else gotta pick up the fucking torch.
“Something Witchy” finishes off the album with an annoying verse that gives me a skull splitting headache, with its boring ass nu metal riffing and static drumming, yet followed up by a great chorus that drags this song up to a solid C+ instead. So-so ending to an otherwise pretty good album.
It’s over, right? I can go back to bed now?
No. The Knac.com chick starts ranting about bonus tracks.
Why do everybody and their mothers feel the need to torture us with lame motherfucking “bonus tracks” at the end of a CD? Why the fuck do I wanna hear how bad your band sucked on a demo 20 years ago? I can go down to the local dive bar, on a Monday night when the village idiots drink for free, and hear the same shit. What am I, a fucking Annihilator memorabilia collector? Put that shit on eBay for the geeks to spend their allowance on.
All in all I am very pleased with how this CD picked up momentum as it progressed. I was kinda disappointed after the first few songs, as they were average as FUCK, but in the end the whole thing came through. Way better than the last CD “All for you”, even though it may not reach the heights of the old classics. I liked how Padden was allowed to show that he could fucking SING here and there, I loved the RIFFS (Waters is The Last Motherfucking Metal Riff Mohican), and I very much pogo danced around like a guy with a fucking syndrome named after him to half the songs. I did NOT like the lame Alesis-drumming at all. Get rid of that loser. Neither did I like how Padden had to stay true to the good old Annihilator Singer Voiceprint most of the time. Let the fucking guy sing, Jeff. You can only do so much with that mid-range talk-singy shit you have all the singers doing on every goddamn album. It’s getting played. It’s time to break out of that shell now. You’re still the head cheese, you know. Let the motherfuckers shine.
Jeff Waters might very well be one of the most talented motherfuckers on the metal scene today, but I am still waiting for him to realize his potential. Annihilator is a really good metal band, but Waters could be so much more than that. Imagine him with Mikkey Dee on drums, Steve DiGiorgio on bass and Sebastian Bach on vocals. Just call the band “Motherfucker” and I’m there.
That’s it. I’m going back to bed. Wake me when Roadrunner sends us a real promo copy so I can hear this again and change my opinion on each and everything.
~ Beppo
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