Ssshhhh…
Can you guys hear that?
Listen.
What is that? Like a fucking siren… wailing like a castrated banshee in the night?
You can’t hear it?
Fuck… That means it’s all in my head – just like I fucking feared.
Why are all these warning klaxons (Big Word of the Day, kids) going off as I unpack this here CD? It seems innocent enough. “Beautiful Sin”. Hmm… Gay name, but not so gay that we have to run for the fucking bomb shelters, now, do we? There must be something else. Maybe the cover? It’s a girl in front of a house. Now, that would only be worthy a red flag if indeed the singer is… Wait! Say it’s not so! Yes! Fuck! It’s a chick singer! In a metal band! Aaaaaarrrrghhhhh! What evils did I commit in my previous life? Was I Mengele or some shit? Chick singers suck. Especially in rock and metal. They try too hard. Simple as that, simple as fuck. There is nothing I hate more than some “rock” chick, belting her little heart out to be one of the guys, big snarl on her face to look “tough” – and still all you can think about is how that chick would look better with that snarling face deep down in a pillow with a Beppo mounted to her ass. All chick rock singers suck – with one exception - Angela Gossow of Arch Enemy. I would have her babies any day. Little fucking mini-Beppos, charging along the highway of motherfuckery and mayhem – just like Mother Angela.
Dreams…
Fantasies...
Excuse me… I have to go to the bathroom and “take a bath”…
Grab a chair and chill.
…
…
OK, back. Where were we? Chick singers suck. Except Angela. That’s the way it is. And since all of them seem to have realized this shortcoming of their hard rock vocal abilities, they have now all switched to “Angelic Opera” instead, trying to sweet-sing their way into our hard metal hearts with serene fucking harmonies and shit. Nightwish, Lacuna Coil, Epica and that chick who guest sings on everybody’s fucking CD – like on songs from bands like Cradle of Filth and Kamelot… It’s probably the same broken-accented chick on all those CDs; directly from the Italian Female Guest Singer Factory. I hate that shit. It’s the metal equivalent of MTV rap videos with the generic whiteish-black chick singing the chorus because nobody can hear what the ghetto crack head is rambling about.
Now that we have sorted that out, with the chick, the warning sirens should turn themselves off, right? But no… They are still trumpeting like fucking Jericho is about to crash down around my assclown ears. What the hell else could be wrong with this CD? I haven’t even played the fucker yet!
Oh, I see…
Fuck.
Big Rock Problem #2: It’s a drummer’s musical side project. Side projects are bad enough, but more than that, I hate this fucking trend with drummers thinking they are fucking musicians. Well, they are, I guess, but in their little world behind the pots and pans. All of a sudden every fucking drummer wants to be Tommy Lee and “write music”. Well, guess what. People ain’t buying into Tommy’s shit because of his musical genius. The chicks dig his dick and the guys dig his chicks. Easy as that, simple as fuck. Doesn’t make him fucking Mozart.
So here we have a metal band, with side project musicians, a chick singer, and a “musical visionary” drummer. Jesus fashionable Christ, what a clusterfuck to review. Never mind Mengele. I must have been the fucking anti-Christ himself. Why me? Waaaaahhhhh!
Since the drummer is Uli Kusch from Masterplan/ex-Helloween, together with the keyboard player from that band, and since the guitarist and bass player, Jorn Lofstrand and Steinar Krokmo, are from one of my favorite bands of all time, Pagan’s Mind, I will comply with my fuckhead editor’s wishes and review this album. I’ll play the fucker. Maybe I can tune out the chick? What’s the worst that could happen?
“Play”
Hmmm…
Cool guitars.
Whoa….
Eh…
What the…?
The chick’s voice…
…it is…
It…
WOW!
It fucking kicks ass!
Whoa! Motherfuckers! Stop the presses! We have a winner! A chick that SINGS without trying to be a guy! And without trying to be some fucking angel, falling from the sky, either! It’s like that chick from Skew Siskin, but better. Imagine if Sebastian Bach was a German woman! That doesn’t sound very appealing, now does it? Vomit inducing at best, right? Not at all fantastic? But it is! At least if the fucker would sing like this! Great heavy strong voice, without “selling out”. I can’t picture this chick snarling up her face for one second. Thank fucking God! Now I can just concentrate on the songs.
And the songs kick ass.
Sure, Uli has borrowed some of the heavy melodic metal sound from Masterplan, and the guys from Pagan’s Mind undeniably bring some of the fucking Pagan’s Mind Progressive Metal Master Class into the mix as far as the guitars and bass go – but in all I have to say that this is a fucker of an original metal album. It has that modern vibe to it, with the dark man voice saying some evil shit, and the chick singing over it, like in the opening song, “Lost” – but it never gets safe. It’s not predictable. Some songs have a Queensryche-Empire quality to them, whereas others sound like melodic AOR gone metal – but never ever fucking cheesy.
I can’t tell you how much I fucking dig this CD! Best one this year, so far! (Note from the editor: Yo, Assclown... Better than Beyond Twilight? You swore that was the best CD of the year... that’s two in row. Make up your damn mind, or get off the Prozac.)
Beautiful guitar solos and heavy clean rhythms of stunning and flawless metal perfection. This is so melodic any pop fag would love it, and yet heavy enough to cater to bitter die-hard metal fucks like me. Memorable hooks, both vocally and musically, and a kick ass fat cat production slam-dunk this motherfucker from the other side of the field (or whatever basketball players call their fucking rink – who am I, ESPN?)! Homerun!
See…
Now I will commit blasphemy…
I would never ever think that I would ever say this…
Since Jorn Lande – the best metal singer on the planet – just quit Masterplan to happily side-project himself to death, the fuckers should let this girl, Magali Luyten, take his place! They even fucking look alike! She sings the ass off most guy singers I have ever heard!
Wait!
Did I just say that?
Did I? Fuck. You think anybody heard?
The Metal Gods?
Nooo! The sirens again!
The noise!
What is that fucking rumbling sound?
Noooo!
Jeeeeriiiichooooo!
 | ||||||
Beautiful Sin
"The Unexpected"
Rating:
Reviewed by:
Beppo Blitzkrieg
Artwork used with permission from Neverland Music Inc.
