Artwork used with permission from Neverland Music Inc.
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In Flames
"Come Clarity"
Rating:
Reviewed by:
Beppo Blitzkrieg
Because I am such an important motherfucker, I get all the CDs before you even know they are coming out. Like this one, In Flames – "Come Clarity", not to be released until a few months into 2006.
You are so jealous you could kill me. I know. Suck it up, kid. Your opinion of anything and a buck will still only get me a cup of coffee.
I get mail from people crying about how I am a motherfucking backward speed bump on the Yellow Brick Road of Metal Progress. Apparently there was some goddamn gay metal communist revolution, erasing all lines between different brands of metal, creating some fucking MTV-core that everybody likes. Well, nobody bothered to wake me, ‘cause I would have field goaled all of you across the river. “Get with the fucking times, Beppo! We are taking over!” Shit like that. That just breaks my fucking heart. Let me bend down and pick up the pieces of it, lying in thousands of bloody pieces all over the floor. Oh… It’s not my heart. It’s your gay ass.
Nu Metal is for pussy children who grew up in a world of instant motherfucking gratification. Your mommas never smacked you up the head, and the video games gave you ADD. You get the fucking music you deserve.
Anyway, for the benefit of your reading experience, and for the sake of my fucking blood pressure, I am going to review this as if I had never been a huge fan of In Flames’ old shit at all, and I’m going to pretend I am not totally disgusted with their new sell out generic garbage. I will go into this like a newborn Beppo-child, dripping with placenta and with a cone shaped fucking head - tong marks and all. Totally innocent and open-minded.
In Flames who?
The whole thing kicks off with “Take This Life”. Bring on the fucking Metal Grammy. This reminds me of fucking Soilwork of late more than anything else. You know, after Devin Townsend "straightened them out" on “Natural Born Chaos”, and spawned a whole new branch on the Death Metal Tree; “Guys, try and SING the fucking chorus, and then you can be all aggressive and shit in between.” There’s a novel idea these days. I have never heard that in any other song on the radio of late. What do you mean? You have? Well, maybe you should give In Flames a call and tell them, ‘cause they are milking the shit out of that concept as if there was a shortage of GAY in the world. 5 years too late.
“Leeches”. Blah blah blah… Didn’t I hear those guitars on the last Arch Enemy album? Maybe that is what In Flames are reaching for here, but are not tall enough to pull off? Top shelf, kids. It's a motherfucker. Write a fucking original riff already. I promise not to hunt you down and kill you. Much.
OK… I can see where this is heading, and I’m gonna cut myself off at the pass. The CD treads water already. I think Roadrunner just came in the band’s mouth, a little. It’s all VERY current, and VERY modern American metal sounding. Hip hip hoorrah for the revolution! Let's all dress in pants with streamers that hang off our ass, and wear beanies down over our eyes! Let's pray at the feet of Headbanger's Ball and preach the Gospel of Mall Core.
Let me just comment on two particular songs:
“Dead End”. AAAARRRGGGGHHH! I could fucking cry. I fucking HATE it when bands enlist female singers to help them out with the melodic parts. What is this? The fucking Black Eyed Peas of motherfucking metal? Shut the fuck up already with this “Special Guest Appearance by Some Operatic Cunt” shit. Everybody has already done it ten fucking times over and over and fucking over. It is so fucking played that Bob Saget would be embarrassed to make a joke about it at the In Flames Roast. Fuck you for copping out like this. I don’t care if it’s the fucking audio track of Jessica Simpson being RonJeremied up the ass… Keep that Female Guest shit OFF the metal CDs. “Dead End”, my fucking ass. How about “Dead Trend”?
“Pacing Death’s Trail” has a very Children of Bodom-ish chorus. What Children of Bodom COULD sound like, that is, if they ever gave up those gay fucking "happy happy joy joy" keyboards. At least In Flames haven't resorted to that abominable practice just yet. Give them another year.
The CD gets better towards the end, when In Flames finally bring the motherfucking HEAVY, and give the fucking sing along shit a rest. I can almost relax and enjoy this, as I am having an aneurysm keeping up the newborn Beppo charade. Almost there.
In Flames are NOT Melodic Death Metal. There is nothing even fucking remotely reminding me about anything that would constitute that. Not at all. But, and there is a big fucking Jennifer Lopez but here, they do this Trend Metal shit better than most bands out there. With this album, In Flames have beaten the American bands at their own fucking game. They have gone from pioneering Swedish Melodic Death Metal, to snatching the banner of Nu-Metal-Core from the American bands, by being slightly more progressive, a little cleverer and a bit more innovative in their approach to melodies and song structure. They have changed, but they succeeded at what they obviously set out to do. What the fuck is next? Opeth abandoning their brutal past to become the new Pink Floyd? Eh, wait… Nevermind.
If it works, it works, right? In Flames may be cheaper than the ass of a starving 10 year old child prostitute in the seedier parts of Thailand, but at least they do it well. So fucking what if they sell the fuck out and don’t have a single bone of integrity in their body, except when I fuck them up the ass in my reviews? The Metal Scene has changed. The fans are dumber. The money is bigger and you have to be quicker on your toes if you want to actually sell your shit to the musically challenged masses…
It’s all business, and business is good in the In Flames camp.
