Not too long ago I sat in a car with a friend, when all of a sudden that rock song came on the radio. Now, you have to realize that in Germany there is no such thing as “rock radio”. We can only choose between HipHop/RNB-hell #1 through #5, a classical station and a Schlager station that no one besides me, and a couple of bored housewives, seem to like. So naturally it was rather strange for me to be confronted with those fat sounds. I asked the driver what album he put on and he told me no, it was just the radio. I slapped him upside the head for lying to me, but he stuck to his story. I started wondering if we finally got a radio station that doesn’t suck, like a retro rock station, or something, since that’s what it sounded like. When the song was over some gay voice informed me that it had been a new song by The Darkness. What?! I had loved their first album, and had even seen them live, how could I not have recognized it? Why didn’t I know they had a new album coming out in the first place?
Well, a couple of weeks later I still have no answers to those particular questions, let alone a new radio station to listen to, but at least I managed to buy the new Darkness album. I’m going to review it right here and now.
All the naysayers who thought “one-hit-wonder”, “joke band” or whatever: please fuck off now. Wait, fuck the politeness, that’s an order: Fuck off! That’s right, no ‘please’ for you. By extensive touring, a strong album behind those singles, and even sticking to it through line-up troubles, The Darkness have proven they’re much more than a joke. Even though that seems to be a very hard concept to grasp for some people. After all, Justin Hawkins sings in that over-the-top voice, and they do write funny lyrics, right? Wrong. I mean, true, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be taken seriously as a band. Just go see them live; they put on a helluva show, and Justin’s one of the best front men I’ve ever seen. This is the band who brought back the fun into a depressed rock scene, consisting of people trying to fill the, oh, so deep void Grunge left by hailing “Nu-Metal” as the next sensation. Everyone who’s not down with fun in Rock n’ Roll should just dig up Kurt Cobain and provide his fucking corpse with a nice slurping between its rotten ass-cheeks.
For everyone who’s really never heard England’s The Darkness: imagine a cross between AC/DC (riffing) and The Sweet (harmony leads and vocals), throw in a little Queen (choirs and overall gayness) and a singer getting kicked in the balls repeatedly, but sounding like he enjoyed it! Add clever, funny lyrics and you got The Darkness in a nutshell.
The album starts with a gay pan flute for some reason, followed by a couple of snorting sounds leading to the song, and first single, “One Way Ticket”. When I first saw the video, before the album came out, I thought ‘Great song, but why are they singing about hell and shit, while walking through snow all the time?’ Now after looking through the lyrics, I’m like ‘Duh, it’s about blow!’ Anyone who’s heard “Givin’ Up” from the first album can attest to The Darkness’ talent to write awesome drug songs, and this one is without a doubt the best one I’ve ever heard, because it’s so dry and honest - but still very funny. At least to anyone who knows what it’s like to have your brain running out of your nostrils. “Chewing my face off, talking absolute rubbish.” I want a line now dammit! This is one of those perfect anthems you’d expect from this band. 10 seconds into the song the Darkness fan will already be grinning like an idiot, because by then it’s safe to say this album can’t possibly be a dud.
The next one is called “Knockers”, and it’s a love song. Well, whatever passes for a love song, coming from this band. “They say you’re pushing 30 – well, pushing 30 stone”, but he loves what she’s done with her hair. This song is actually pretty gay and makes no sense at all but that’s what makes it great in my opinion. I love things not making sense, I can relate personally to that.
One of the best songs on here is number three: “Is It Just Me?” This one is so fucking awesome I would really be at a loss for words if it weren’t for these: Really old-school and TheSweet-like, especially in the chorus, which is better than a lot of the stuff all those 70s glam rockers came up with themselves back in the day. Great harmonies, as catchy as it gets. You could almost compare it to a gay Rainbow song from the late 70s, too. Wait, that was redundant, wasn’t it? Never mind. The guitar leads pick up the overall old-school feel and fit in perfectly, making this without a doubt one of the best songs I’ve heard in quite a while.
Next is the first ballad on here called “Dinner Lady Arms”. It starts out really good, and although it’s very catchy, they manage not to sound too cheesy at any point, which in my opinion is the biggest task writing ballads. As usual, the lyrics are a far cry from your typical “I still love you, baby”-bullshit. In the chorus heavier guitars chime in, so I guess this is what you would call a “power ballad”. God, I hate that term.
Luckily, “Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time” won’t make me use it again, as this is a ballad in it’s truest form. Unfortunately that also includes the lyrics and the orchestration. This is by no means a bad song but probably still the worst on here. I wonder if they’ll read my review, see it’s only a 4.5/5 due to this song, and be like “but it seemed like such a very very good idea at the time!” Yeah, now it doesn’t seem so very very good anymore, huh? Too fucking bad. Shot down in my review and everything. Old Bullhorn shows you the way.
The next song is by far the most special song they ever recorded. It’s called “Hazel Eyes” and it’s just wicked. Part typical Darkness-rock, part Scottish folk song, part complete retardation made into sound. In other words, a killer song. Anybody who hates Justin’s voice will definitely love the chorus, that’s for sure. The verse is almost melancholic; I think they use a sitar or something. Playing strange instruments in a way that doesn’t make them sound like shit is always a plus. And now get this: they even managed to do that with bagpipes, my number-one-most-hated-instrument-ever!
During the bridge they sing some Scottish gibberish that I don’t even get the meaning of looking at the lyric sheet. It most likely has something to do with hookers, but don’t quote me on that. By the way, that chick’s eyes must be extremely fucking hazel since he’s “never seen a set of eyes more hazelerer”. I swear that line cracks me up every time.
“Bald” is another huge hit, maybe even better than the last one due to the contrast of lyrics and music. A gloomy and nightmarish song (as far as their style allows it, don’t expect Sisters Of Mercy) meets the goofiest lyrics ever, dealing with male baldness. Anyway, this song could soon become my favorite on the whole record or even my very favorite Darkness song ever. It’s probably their heaviest on here too, and you can tell they also improved on their instruments since the last album. In general you could say the guitar work is a lot better on here, especially the soloing.
“Girlfriend” shows The Darkness at their poppiest - but if you’re not too close-minded you should be able to just appreciate it for what it is, a great pop song. There are lots of keyboards, even a cool keyboard solo part! Oxy-moron, I know, but it’s so catchy I kept thinking it reminded me of a certain song I know, but after not being able to put my finger on it for over a week, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just plain crazy. And I’d rather be crazy than miss this awesome piece of music.
The last two songs on the record showcase their Queen influences (as far as I can tell, not being a Queen fan by any means). The first one’s called “English Country Garden” and, boy, does it rock! It lives on its rather unusual chord progressions, topped with a cool simple piano line and lots of great choir singing. Cool lyrics, too. I feel gay for repeating that time and time again but maybe there are people, reading this, who still don’t take that for granted even though it’s The Darkness we’re talking about here.
The last one is a really quiet one again, and not exactly one of my favorites either. “Blind Man” has that Bohemian Rhapsody-ish feel to it and is only accompanied by keys. But what makes this song special is the amazing vocal performance, in my opinion. I’ve never really considered Justin a good singer, although I never found him to be annoying either. I mean, most people can imitate a goofy falsetto, but here he actually sounds like a trained singer or something. Then again, I also think Nitro’s Jim Gillette is one of the greatest singers of all time, so don’t take my word for it.
Have I babbled enough already? Go buy it! This would definitely be one of my top-contestants for ‘album of the year’ if I gave a fuck about calling any album ‘my album of the year’. Does anyone who does that even remember what their past albums of the year were? Do those get a special spot in your record collection? Does that even make sense to you? Do you collect stamps, too? Stumps, maybe?
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The Darkness
"One Way Ticket to Hell... and Back"
Rating:
Reviewed by:
Sebastian Bullhorn
