Artwork used with permission from Neverland Music Inc.

Dimmu Borgir

"Stormblast" (Re-recorded)

Rating:                          

Reviewed by:

Beppo Blitzkrieg

What do you do when your old shit label rips you off on your royalties because you were young and dumb as fucking dirt when you signed the contract into Music Industrial Slavery? Exactly, motherfucker! You use the subtle approach! You go to the label office, together with a select few from the local chapter of Hell’s Angels, of course, and then proceed to bash everybody’s motherfucking heads in with various assorted blunt objects. Once maximum carnage has been achieved you raid the safe and leave. If they have a church standing around - burn it. A seal? Club it.

Justice has been served to the unrighteous and you had some motherfucking fun in the process? No?

Or, you could just re-record the fucking thing with all the bells and whistles of modern technology and unlimited label funding, throw some fucking Bonus Tracks on there, market it as the second coming of the Anti-Christ (was there ever a first one? – I must have missed it) and sell it to your hordes of mindless fans. Replace the ugly old cover with a new cool one, put the new flashy logotype up there, sweep all dusty shameful remains under the fucking carpet and pretend the whole fucking thing is something new altogether. “Well, we are artists and we were not being compensated for our blood, sweat and tears.” Well, motherfuckers. You will be eating caviar with this one, and you can gold plate those goat skulls, ‘cause your fans will love this shit, and everybody else will call you fucking posers and sell-outs. Business as usual on the Norwegian Black Metal scene.

So, what does it sound like? Like the original “Stormblast”, re-recorded with all the bells and… Wait, didn’t I already say this once? Pay fucking attention, kids. What else do you need to know? If you’re a fan you’re gonna buy the album regardless of what I say, and if you’re not, you probably hate Dimmu’s guts and won’t be reading this review anyway. What the fuck am I doing here exactly?

I might as well go off on a rant on Black Metal instead (aren’t you a bunch of lucky little motherfuckers?)…

Posers of Motherfucking Black Metal

"Posers". Makes me split a motherfucking rib every time I hear it. The “true” Black Metal fans always (jealously) accuse the more successful bands like Dimmu, Cradle of Filth and the likes to be "Poser Sell Outs", and as such they should be boycotted by the True Black Metal Community (which I am sure is the name of a fucking town somewhere in Norway by now – or at least a motherfucking political party in their Congress).

"Poser", huh?

Let’s look at that word. Poser.

It must be an awful fucking thing to be accused of being, since it is so hated by the motherfucking right and true.

What does it mean?

Well, a look in the Dictionary.com database gives us:

1.a person who habitually pretends to be something he is not

2.a person who poses for a photographer or painter or sculptor

3. a particularly difficult or baffling question or problem

So if we go by the first definition, a poser is a fake. Somebody who dresses up as some other motherfucker, pretending to actually be this motherfucker.

Hmmm… If only I was smart enough to make a fucking connection here. See, I always thought that this guy, the “true” Black Metal High Priest of Motherfuckery - Euronymous, was born this way:

And he really is some sort of Evil Panda/Racoon Demon, right? He’s not pretending shit. The real fucking Devil deal.

By the second definition a poser is a motherfucking model, posing for an artist to capture him/her in a moment.

This is Gorgoroth, one of the “truest” Black Metal bands. They wouldn’t be fucking posing now, would they?

I am sure this is how they look when they talk to each other in the line to pick up their fucking food stamps too. This is what they look like when they are having a Sunday dinner with their parents. “Buwwaarrghhh! Pass me the bile, you goat whore!” – “Varg! Not that language at the table, please! You were raised better than that!” – “Shut up, you daughter of a thousand fathers! Arrgh aargh! Die on my sword you Cunt of the White Christ!”

Dumbasses…

By the third definition a poser is some sort of motherfucking “baffling problem”.

Yeah. Do these guys look like they have motherfucking problems?

See, that’s what I fucking thought, and I’m not even half-awake yet.

Seems to this ass clown that all these motherfuckers are POSERS.

Pot.

Kettle.

Black Metal.

Wanna hate on Beppo? Nail him to a church door? Go HERE!