Gamma Ray

"Majestic"

Rating:                               

Reviewed by:

Beppo Blitzkrieg

Hey, I can come up with some better album titles for you guys! Let’s see… “Run Of The Mill”, “Pathetic”, “True To Form”, or how about “Same Motherfucking Thing As Last Time”?

Gamma Ray pisses me off. They are the gay motherfucking AC/DC of power metal, releasing the same damn album over and over, and if it wasn’t for the fact that Kai Hansen is the motherfucking Grandfather Supreme of the genre, they would be stoned in the streets. Or, at least, they should be.

If you never heard of Helloween you might as well go do something useful with yourself, like masturbating or cooking spaghetti for breakfast, since this all boils down to that band. The guy behind Gamma Ray, Kai Hansen, was once the super duper brain behind the glorious motherfucking Helloween. Ack. The memories… The motherfucking memories! Staaaaarlight – fallin’ in deep through your eyes!!!!! Remember that song? Kai Hansen was young, angry and hungry and invented a whole new motherfucking metal scene. I am not sure if he invented the mullet and the spandex as well, but he sure as fuck was the poster child for the whole package. Like a bad ass Rudolf Schenker almost, but with the trendy Berlin Fall Fashion Mustache, instead of Rudolf’s Gay Biker’s Dirty Sanchez. He wrote so many great songs back then that I figured he’d always continue to do so, even after he left Helloween due to musical differences. “Musical differences”. The candy ass PC way of saying they finally got around to moving one guy’s gear out into the fucking hallway and changing the locks on his ass. Musical motherfucking differences, alright. That’s what they say when they:

A)fucking hate each other’s guts,

B)fucked one of the  other dudes’ girlfriends,

C)got a deal on the side “realizing their musical vision” (which

  always sucks – because these people have no fucking common         sense),

D)     are so strung out on drugs they couldn’t play “Smoke On The

  Water” even if it came duct taped to a fucking crack pipe.

So Kai went his own little way and released some pretty good shit. Not great shit, but OK shit. It was his kinda thing at least, with “Somewhere in Space” being the better album in the bunch. He has that weird signature voice, you know, like the whiney ass guitar player in the band who wants to be the fucking singer and… Wait! Motherfucker is just that, isn’t he? Doesn’t fucking matter. I always dug the shit out of his voice.  Staaaaarlight – fallin’ in deep through your eyes!!!!! Motherfucker! Yeah!

The problem with this new album, “Majestic” (Bluurgh – where the fuck do these people come up with this shit? Was “Delusions Of Grandeur” already taken by Rhapsody?), is that it sounds exactly the same as the average ass standard crap Gamma Ray has released ever since they first started out. Should they be commended for not chopping of their balls and putting them up on Ebay, like Helloween has done? Or should they be stoned like whores in the streets for taking the safe fucking route to Average-Land? I say stone the motherfuckers. I can’t stand bands that never fucking take chances or do something new with their shit. If I wanted to hear the old motherfucking shit, I’d listen to the old motherfucking shit! Last I checked it was motherfucking 2005 (I wouldn’t fucking bet money on it though – I get confused) and I am old and ugly. Are you fucking telling me nothing has happened to make this fucking band do something new up until now?

Boring is as boring does, my mom always said when I screamed my head off to be let out of the closet (yeah, it's a freebie – say it). She would have LOVED Gamma Ray. They do boring very fucking well.

Should I single out some songs for faint praise? Nah, why the fuck bother? I’m gonna go put on “Walls Of Jericho” and drink myself into a nostalgic crying motherfucking mess.

Suck my dick, Kai. At least that would get some sort of reaction out of me. If I was gay… which I’m not. I hope. Not that I would know, since masturbation is kinda bi anyway, right?

- Beppo Blitzkrieg

Wanna hate on the Beppster? Go slam his ass on the Guest Page.

Artwork used with permission from Neverland Music Inc.