Iron Maidens
"World's Only Female Tribute to Iron Maiden"
Rating:
Reviewed by:
Beppo Blitzkrieg
The world’s only female tribute to Iron Maiden?
I must be drunker than a Finnish fisherman, ‘cause I know I just didn’t read that shit right. Let’s try again… “World’s Only Female Tribute to Iron Maiden”. That’s what it fucking says! Maybe I need to enroll in the fucking Sylvan Learning Center or just get better drugs. I am fucking losing it. It finally happened. Who had October 9th? Nobody? (Note from the Editor: Wrong, Mr. No-Braino. Although two DRS staffers predicted that you would “lose your fucking mind” within the first month of joining our happy little family, Carman bet on the fact that you were already both stupid and insane when we hired you. Congratulations, Carman! Your betting pool prize, a copy of “The Treasury of White Trash Cooking” by Ernest Matthew Mickler and Trisha Micker will be shipped to you as soon as we feel like going to the post office.)
Considering the title, I first thought this was the new motherfucking Iced Earth album, but now that the Bloody Marys are kicking in I realize it's a bunch of fucking chicks doing Maiden covers. Jesus Hairofthedogging Christ! I need this like another hole in my ass.
Let’s pop this shit in and just grin and bear it. I’ll make this review short and sweet so the fucking editors get their fix of me and lay off me for a while. OK, bear with me here, I’m fucking shot. Cover looks cool though. Hey! Look at this motherfucking shit! It’s painted by Derek motherfucking Riggs! Good thing he isn’t dead, ‘cause I’m sure he would have caused earthquakes and shit rolling in his grave when Maiden had some fucking graphic arts student in Special Ed make the fucking horrible “Dance Of Death” cover. Never mind...
It kicks off with “The Number of the Beast”, my all time favorite fucking song (today at least). There’s some wind and shit in the beginning… then this cool witchy voice (I assume she’s supposed to be a motherfucking witch – ‘cause otherwise this chick is scary as all hell) reads the “Woe to you…” shit. I love the “Woe…” shit. I could just listen to Bruce reading that over and over again. As a matter of fact, I think I did one night. I was having a fucking moment, all right?
Where were we?
Right, “The Beast”… Actually, they are doing a great motherfucking bang up job here. These chicks can PLAY! Apparently most of them are from the old hair metal outfit Phantom Blue. Remember them? I do. In my mind I have mud wrestled the shit out of all of them, bunches of times. They were smoking fucking hot, and they could play! For girls that is. Kinda like Joan Jett can rock… for a girl. There’s no pic of them here so I have no motherfucking clue what they look like today, but considering fucking decades have passed since they were hot, I guess they are stuck doing Maiden covers since they all probably look like Dave Murray and motherfucking Janick Gers these days. Next decade they’ll be the "World’s only female tribute to fucking Motorhead", and before long they’ll all look like fucking Eddie and probably take on the fucking Rolling Stones before they die from old age.
The guitar solos and everything are great here. I mean, it’s great for a cover band. They stay true to the originals and try to be all chick tough, while belting out the songs. Production is better than on some Maiden releases and the whole thing’s got a punch to it. I am especially impressed with the guitars (Josephine Draven and Sara Marsh) and the bass (Wanda Ortiz). They play like motherfucking guys! Fucking amazing! I guess the one thing I can’t fucking stand is the chick doing the vocals. I can’t fucking stand chick singers. Never could. Not to be a sexist fucking pig or anything (you would never know it – but I can be a fucking pig at times Note from your female Editor: No shit, Sherlock), but chicks always sound like fucking dykes at a gay pride meeting when they try to be tough and “rock out”. The drums are a little lame too.
The song selection on here is better than Maiden’s own fucking sell out “Greatest Hits”. “Two Minutes to motherfucking Midnight” (great fucking guitars here), “Aces High”, “Run to the Hills”, etc., etc… In short, all the motherfucking same old songs you would expect to hear from a fucking Maiden cover band.
I always loved “Wasted Years” and they don’t defile it too much here (even Maiden them-fucking-selves can’t play the fucking thing live). Same thing with “Phantom of the Opera”, even though DiAnno sounded more brutal sucking on his mother’s tit as a fucking infant than this chick does.
There's a goddamn "hidden track" on here too. Who the fuck came up with this stupid shit? What is this, a fucking box of cereal? Just write it on the fucking track listing along with the other tracks. I still have to listen to the fucking shit in the end, right? Here's the spoiler: It's a live version of "Remember Tomorrow". Motherfuckers.
All in all I would definitely sneak in the backdoor to fucking see them at a bar near me anytime. Definitely. If they are anything like on the CD the live show must be fucking great. I would never fucking pay for this CD though, since after all… I wouldn’t even wanna hear fucking Maiden doing Maiden covers on a CD. The original is the motherfucking original, and covers are just fucking soundtracks to getting drunk at your local dive bar while getting shot down by the 40 year old trailer trash hooker housewife drinking herelf pretty. That’s the way of the fucking world. Deal with it. I do.
Great guitars, dyke singer, lame drums, great selection. Don’t buy, see live. Motherfucker.
Artwork used with permission from Neverland Music Inc.
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