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System of a Down
"Hypnotize"
Rating:
Reviewed by:
Beppo Blitzkrieg
What the fuck?
Didn’t I just review System of a Down’s new fucking album? What am I, a repeat offender? The cover looks different. Augh! My fucking head. It’s fucking Sunday. I’m gonna beat my fucking editor’s ass. This shit was stuck under my door this morning, and there’s a fucking note too. Let me read this shit:
“Dear Fuckhead, SOAD are releasing "Hypnotize" on Tuesday. It’s part 2 of a trilogy that started with “Mesmerize”. Review this today. Thanks. Best regards, Your employer. PS. I mean TODAY.”
My immediate reaction, you ask, dear Editor? I’m gonna ball this little note up and ram it, fist first, so far up your ass that you will have to take shit through your nose to read my comments.
OK, massa, here is my review:
This fucking album is horrible. It sounds like all the songs that were left over from the recording of “Mesmerize” and that were all too fucking bad even for B-sides on singles nobody buys anymore. Imagine an Arab donkey farmer; he is all up in Allah’s shit, praying from the top of the fucking mountains in his guttural annoying language. Now put a really bad fucking punk band in the background, playing SOAD covers. Boring riffs and headache inducing rhythms. That’s what this whole fucking CD sounds like from beginning to end. Gone are the innovative motherfunkeries from the great motherfucking “Mesmerize” and Daron’s influence on this album is just fucking gay. His voice sounds like a choir boy’s solo during a one-on-one session with Father Sodomitis. He’s got this vibrato that gives my brain the fucking shakes. In a bad way.
There are only a couple of memorable songs on here. “Dreaming” is OK for one whole minute before it plummets down the abyss of motherfucking crappiness. The closing song, “Soldier Side”, is the continuation of the “Soldier Side – Intro” from “Mesmerize” and creates the loose illusion that the two albums are in some way connected. I will bet my anal virginity on the fact that there will be a “Soldier – Outro” on the third SOAD installation. Only good song on the album.
You know what? Let’s just pretend I already wrote the whole review complete with a blow-by-blow track recap. It will all be the same anyway. Instead, let’s talk about how fucked up it is to rip off your fans with double and triple releases like these.
Let’s face it. If SOAD wanted to be all artsy-fartsy and create some kind of musical fucking milestone here, they should have released these fucking things all at once as a three CD set. So why in the hell didn’t they? Because then they can’t charge $18.99 per CD. A three CD set would never retail for more than $30.99. “But isn’t their artistic vision worth encouraging?” you wail like the Angel of Motherfucking Death has just swooped down from the sky and killed your first born. No, all fucking bands record a Godzillion songs before they weed out the 12 that make it onto the final version of a CD. Only difference here is that SOAD decided to put all of their shit out, hoping that you motherfuckers would fall for it like the dumbasses you are.
You could, perhaps, argue that it’s their label that is milking the situation, like in the case with Opeth’s EXCELLENT “Damnation” and “Deliverance”, but no… This motherfucking reeks of System of a Down cheesiness.
I don’t even want to think about how fucking horrid part three is gonna be.
I feel sick now. I have velvet on my fucking teeth and the hangover fairy must have taken a shit in my mouth while I slept. I’m gonna roll this review up, tie it to a brick and throw it through the windshield of my fucking editor’s Ford Taurus. Take that, motherfucker. I quit. Again. (Note from your pissed off Editor - That explains why Mrs. Russell threw this through my kitchen window this afternoon. I drive the Subaru, Beppo. You’re fired. Again. Wait until your mother hears about this.)
