Motherfucking Bonus Tracks
Few things piss me off as much as a motherfucking bonus track on a CD.
First off, the only reason there even is such a fucking animal is because of the time ratios between vinyls and cassettes from back in the stone age, when we all wore fur and had Walkmans the size of suitcases in double shoulder straps weighing us down like child laborers in a coal mine. (Those were the days – kids knew the value of money when they had to earn the dough themselves.) See, the cassettes had longer play time, so to inspire the fucking consumers to buy the lame tape, the labels put some crappy extra song on there that were left from the recordings. A bonus track, an additional track, not on the original release. A motherfucking gift from them to you.
Some bonus tracks even rocked. "Shrine" on "Abigail", "Ball & Chain" on Badlands' s/t. Even "Total Eclipse" on "The Number of the Beast". Totally cool songs that added something extra to your gay ass purchase.
Motherfucking bonus tracks.
Remember when that was cool? If you do, you’re as fucking old as I am, and you have my deepest fucking sympathy. Old age sucks. Only benefit is that getting wasted gets easier with each passing year, and since my taste buds are shot I can pretty much just scratch the label off a bottle of Oven Cleaner and go to town on that without feeling too bad about myself.
Anyway, now, when we all are conditioned to CDs, we still get the fucking bonus tracks on there. Bonus, as compared to what exactly? Compared to the vinyl? Do you see many of those around, except as wall clocks in Uncle Bubba’s living room? Compared to the cassette? What am I, fucking 87 years old with a Ford Pinto? Compared to the people in the backwards jungles of Congo who don’t have CDs period, and would make a fucking lip plate out of it if they did?
No, the bonus track is just there, along with all the rest of the tracks. It just happens to be the last fucking one. Or is the label half-apologizing for the last track sucking ass? Cause it always does, without fucking fault. The Bonus Track is the worst shit on the CD.
It is either:
A) A forgotten shit track they found on a disc on the studio floor, stuck to the crusty carpet – reeking of salami, when they were done mixing and mastering the album. “Hey, what is this shit? Isn’t this that song we were supposed to work into a Wonder Bread jingle? Here, Pete, just throw it in as the last track.” or
B) An “alternate version” of one of the other songs already on the album. This translates to “The version with the flutes that we recorded when we were so fucking stoned we couldn’t even speak English and the result fucking sucked, so we re-recorded it but forgot to delete this shit. Here you go.” Redundant fucking idiots. If I liked the “official” song, chances are I’d just hit “repeat” and listen to that motherfucker again. or
C) An old demo, or a dive bar live song, showcasing just how fucking awful the band REALLY sounds without all the bells and whistles of a modern recording studio. Usually it sounds like a drunken soundtrack to that fuzzy static white noise shit on the empty TV channels. (Run to the light, Carol Anne. Never mind what the ugly little dyke midget is telling you.) or
D) Some shit the label put the band up to but that the band in good faith can’t put their name behind wholeheartedly. Like Alice Cooper’s bonus track from his latest CD “Rusty Diamonds”, featuring Xzibit, rapping like some fucking crack dealer in the background. What the fuck? You know both Alice and Xzibit won’t look each other in the eye after that fiasco if they should run into each other at 7-11 on a rainy night. Like a brother waking up after a wet night out with his dick in his older sister. Avoid.
Now, do we need any of that shit? Really?
Let’s face it… If the band hated the song enough not to make it an official track, then why the hell should I have to put up with it? What am I, the fucking garbage disposal for your musical waste? I don’t do sloppy seconds, kids. I leave that for the rest of you. And if you’re so fucking geeky that you need an old demo version of a shit song nobody else cares about, then go troll eBay for some $98 bootleg from Poland to spend your lawn mowing money on. Why should the rest of us have to suffer for your sick fanaticisms? I would rather cling to the illusion that my favorite bands don’t sound exactly like all the other fuckhead bands down at my local joint on “Stale Beer Half Price Night”, but you just go ahead and spoil that for me. Fucking dumbass.
Bonus Tracks are an abomination that doesn’t make any motherfuckingbody happy. If the fucking song is good enough just make it one of the regular songs. If not then just throw it the fuck out without letting us know how much your band REALLY fucking sucks.
If you wanna give me a fucking bonus, send up a classy hooker to my room with a bottle of Jack so I can get drunk and blown while I zone out to the actual CD – the way motherfucking God made it. Cash is good too.
That’s a bonus.
Motherfuckers.
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