Folly-days In The Western World
Holiday! Woohoo! Raise the butt-ugly flags with whatever colors someone thought would represent your country best a long-ass time ago! Celebrate!
Well, better hurry or stop reading, since I’m gonna do my best to ruin it for you now.
Survey time: So how many of you are happy not to have to go to work today? Raise your hands! Ah, that’s everyone except the loser who doesn’t have a social life involving anyone besides the staff at his underpaid donkeywork job and the guy in the back who’s so happy about it that he already passed out from drinking all day long.
And now how many of you actually care about the occasion? Raise your hands, ladies and gentlemen! What? Only you two? Oh, nobody else knows about the original occasion! Okay, nothing wrong with that. They’re all bullshit anyway.
Seriously, I like not having to work just like everybody else, most likely even more. But why do most people feel the need to make pretence of any heartfelt gratitude for the shit you’re supposed to celebrate? Just admit it, you don’t care. Nobody is going to be offended since chances are they’re all feeling the same way.
Take Mother’s Day for instance: Although not a real holiday everywhere, it’s still as stupid as it gets. Stuck with a man who doesn’t give a fuck about all the hard work raising a child and leading a household really is? Too fucking bad you married an asshole like that and let him knock you up. I’m sure one stinking day a year with a fancy name paying tribute to you will change everything for the better.
Father’s Day? Oh, please. Justification? “Uh, I dunno, really... but... hey, the women have one too!” Whoa, I’m sold! We definitely need this Father’s Day thingy! Never mind the fact that in the age it was conceived, being a father didn’t mean much more than bringing in enough money for the wife to bring up the little brat.
4th of July. What’s that again? Independence Day, right? Well, so what? I didn’t even go to the movies when it came out, does it really call for a national holiday?
Wait, I don’t have to work that day, why am I even asking, silly me…
Seriously though, you could argue that while generally agreeing with what I wrote before, 4th of July still is a different thing. It marks the birth of a nation many people are proud of making them want to celebrate. Happy Birthday, America!
Well, as you could read in other articles I wrote I don’t give a fuck about either being proud of your country or celebrating your birthday. You know, be proud of your country all you want, celebrate your ass off… You can jig around in ecstasy like a complete fool all day long as far as I’m concerned… But ask yourself why for a change. Do you think America gives a shit? I don’t think so. Not even with a bad case of diarrhea. Whatever you regard as “America” concerning this, “America” is not going to care. The soil under your feet? Unlikely. The millions of other people you’re never going to meet in your life? Right.
Whether you’re as happy as a kid on Christmas (I hope it’s mostly the kids since Christmas is the epitome of vomit-inducing holiday hypocrisy) or you take a giant leak on the American flag while burping The Star-Spangled Banner backwards that day instead,it is still not a life-changing experience for anyone.
It’s kind of like celebrating the ineducable kid’s birthday. You’re going out of your way to make it have a good time and all it does is kicking the expensive clown you hired right in the nuts before puking on the cake, and setting the curtains on fire instead of blowing out the candles. It just doesn’t make sense if noone’s going to appreciate it.
Memorial Day. You did your job and you died. Okay, it was obviously a somewhat dangerous job and many people benefit from people like you doing it. You’re brave and stuff and some people might even say you’re altruistic and a hero. You’re still dead now. Was it worth it? Okay, different issue, but are you at least happy you got a national holiday? Hello? Why aren’t you answering my fucking question? Oh, that’s right, you’re dead, sorry. You can’t be happy about people’s remembrance of you.
Now everyone still alive: are you going to spend your Memorial Day mourning dead soldiers or are you going to roll over in bed and thank God you have the fucking day off?
Dumbasses. But who am I to judge? Go ahead and ruin your day off.
So, what else do we have...? Veteran’s Day. Err... didn’t we already have something like that covered above? Like, 18 words ago? Initially called Armistice Day or something I could see the difference but what’s that one for now? One for the living for a change? Can’t be too many.
Why not just change it to something positive? Something the youth can relate to? Something everyone can relate to? Something actually worth celebrating! Oh yes, my friends. I guess the bright reader already knows what I’m talking about: National Boob-job Day!
Don’t even get me started on all those Christian holidays. Never mind that all you lambs of God are actually celebrating heathen holidays under different names. One of the few the Christians didn’t completely absorb yet is Halloween. I have no idea how many people actually know that Halloween is pretty much the same what the heathens called Samhain thousands of years ago. While the ever creative Jesus-freaks stole that one too calling it Hallow’s Eve – followed by All Souls Day, most people actually maintained some of the old rituals like wearing scary masks and shit. Its counterpart Beltaine, also called May Day by Christians, marks Labor Day in some European countries. Just so you see… people on the “old continent” don’t give a fuck either. The only thing hinting at its heathen origin is the night before when kids pretty much do what’s due on Halloween in America, calling it “Walpurgisnight”.
Those natural religions might be not as bad as Christianity but they make just as much sense. Which is about... one second, where’s the calculator... ah, yes: exactly none whatsoever.
Again, different subject... I get easily distracted today.
I hear there’s something called President's Day, too. What the fuck?! Like that dickhead needed a special holiday. Every day is fucking President's Day. You know, those might be the two worst kinds of lucky bastards in the whole fucking world: being President of the U.S.A. and being Pamela Anderson’s son. Doesn’t get much better.
Am I jealous? Damn straight. I’m about as jealous as Cain of his second-born brother. In fact, that’s not enough. There should be a new term for this: As jealous as Bullhorn of Pamela Anderson’s offspring. I hope you people are taking notes.
The only holiday I at least concede a noble cause is Labor Day. Something like that exists in many different countries. Workers usually have it hard. And when this holiday came into being over hundred years ago they certainly had it a lot harder. But is there really a reason to make this day stand for something like “a dedication to the social and economic achievements of workers”? “A yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of the country”? One huge “blowing hot air up the asses of the workers of our country while in reality we’re still doing everything to keep them down”? Oops, that last one might have been a bit too straightforward.
Why not just say it like it is? Look, guys, we know working hard every goddamn day of your life like that sucks major ass so just take this day off, don’t ask any questions, try to have a good time and don’t worry about it until tomorrow. Because that’s exactly what Labor Day really means to the people it’s there for.
That one and maybe New Year’s Day. That one just comes naturally after a night where getting sloshed is mandatory for everyone between 14 and 74. Although Hangover Day would sound so much better.
Now it’s time again to resign and realize you couldn’t care less about what I have to write anyway and you probably need to start shopping for Christmas any day now so just allow me one more lore to top off the day:
All that lukewarm holiday bullshit would be a lot easier to bear if you just did whatever nonsense you’ll keep doing anyway while playing a certain fitting song from Madonna’s first album.
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