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Holy Smoke
That’s not only the title of the worst Iron Maiden song ever, it’s now also the title of one of the coolest DRS pieces as well. But see for yourself…
I like to smoke. No, let me rephrase that; I love to smoke. Actually, I’m still mad at my mother because she stopped smoking while she was pregnant. That’s how much I love to smoke. And even if I didn’t… let’s just pretend I only started smoking to be cool among my friends in school for a moment, who the fuck are you to tell me I shouldn’t?
As long as we are alive we should smoke. Phlegm is manly after all. So get your fucking asthma spray ready, because I’m going to smoke two Roth-Händle (note to all the Marlboro Lights fags: that’s the one brand that really deserves to be called Black Death) for every paragraph while writing this article just to piss you off. I’m not a slow typer either, just a fast smoker.
Lately there hasn’t been anything that upsets me quite as much as people trying to deny me the right to smoke whenever I want, wherever I want and how much I want. I know that most of the American states have already lost the war against stupid, ignorant, and last but not least, completely queer anti-smoking protesters. But over here they’re just getting started, coming up with all those insane ideas like prohibiting smoking in public buildings, at work or even in bars! Imagine that! “Hey, drink up, mate. Finish your twelfth ‘Acid Liver Holocaust’ and then please leave, cigarettes are bad for your health.” Doesn’t make much sense to me. Like we needed any more smoke-free areas. It’s bad enough that there aren’t any ashtrays integrated in school benches nowadays. Now that would be something worth fighting for. But since us smokers are all calm and balanced you don’t see us throwing a fit about that.
Seriously, is there anything more ridiculous than militant non-smokers shitting their pants over passive smoking? Give me a fucking break! How can anyone be offended by bad air in some huge room while they’re acting like Hitlers surrounded by homosexual, handicapped jews?! Do any of them really think they’re behaving reasonably? The only smoke-free area those smoke-nazis deserve happens to be their favorite place to hang out anyway: their own ass.
Let’s look at some “facts” (and don’t ask me for the source, I just randomly copied some shit from “educational” websites about this oh so precarious subject):
“Tobacco smoke contains over 4000 chemicals in the form of particles and gases.”
If anybody reciting shit like that had the slightest clue exactly how many chemicals, in whatever form, are in their lunch or perfume that statement might even hold some weight. If anything, that’s pretty damn impressive. “4000 chemicals. Wow! Must be a damn cool thing, this smoke.” That’s what any sane person would think confronted with that news. Not the cry baby with the delicate lungs. His crazy mind is like “Waaaaa!! So many chemicals and they’re all out to get me!! I’m gonna cry. Grab my ass, please.”
And what’s up with making up pseudo-scientific terminology like that:
“Many potentially toxic gases are present in higher concentrations in sidestream smoke than in mainstream smoke, and nearly 85% of the smoke in a room results from sidestream smoke.”
Sidestream, mainstream… what the fuck?! How about I’ll turn around midstream when you sneak up to me in the bathroom again while I smoke an underground brand? Mainstream, my ass.
“Some of the immediate effects of passive smoking include eye irritation, headache, cough, sore throat, dizziness and nausea.”
Aww, poor baby. Okay, now I understand. Why didn’t you tell me you got a sore throat right from the start? I would’ve stopped immediately… Because I wanted you to get cancer in the first place, bitch. God, I can’t believe this shit.
“Short term exposure to tobacco smoke also has a measurable effect on the heart in non-smokers. Just 30 minutes exposure is enough to reduce coronary blood flow.”
Do you want to know what measurable effect short term exposure to complete bullshit has on me? If you just answered with “yes” it’s your lucky day as you’re about to witness it yourself. Just three minutes is enough to make me threaten with some serious bloodshed. And my clock says it’s been 2:59 now. I think I need an extra smoke now just to calm down.
Ah, that’s better…
And then some other dumbfuck, that will remain nameless just because I decided he’s not worth being mentioned in my column, has estimated that “domestic exposure to second hand smoke in the UK causes around 2,700 deaths among people aged 20-64 a year.”
Impressive. That’s about half as many as are estimated to have died from spontaneous self-combustion. That means it must be true, right? Aside from that, cigarettes are so damn expensive in the UK that smokers there should have a license to kill anyway.
“A review of the risks of cancer from exposure to second-hand smoke by the International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) noted that the evidence is sufficient to conclude that involuntary smoking is a cause of lung cancer in never smokers.”
Fuck! So that’s also the reason why everybody knows millions of people who never smoked but still died of lung cancer? Oh, wait…
What do they mean “involuntarily” anyway? Last time I checked I didn’t force you to hang out where I’m enjoying my cigarettes. You don’t like smoke billowing up in the bars? Stay home then, Einstein. That takes a lot less effort than endlessly yammering about the mean old smokers. I can assure you we won’t miss your bitchy no-smoke-contributing ass for a second.
By the way, I’d really like to see some studies comparing the effects of the emissions from the millions of cars out there to those of passive smoke. What would you fucking hypocrites say if I demanded you should walk everywhere then? I bet all the proof in the world wouldn’t make you change a damn thing, because you’re not concerned about your health, you’re just in it for the bitching and moaning.
My favourite is still when they’re trying to argue that passive smoke was even more dangerous than the stuff you inhale when you smoke for real. Well, I say play it safe and start smoking then! Duh. I don’t even know what to say when confronted with such blatant stupidity.
And even if you believe the hype… that smoking is nothing but bad... On the contrary, there are countless benefits when you’re a smoker. No one can argue that the best pickup-line ever is still “Excuse me, can I bum a smoke?”. Or at least the only one I can remember at 5AM. And don’t call me cheap for bumming smokes now. Not if you don’t smoke at all. I mean, how much cheaper does it get? Who else is content with only getting “second hand” stuff after all?
You know, I actually could have quoted all kinds of studies that tell you exactly the opposite about the effects of passive smoking instead. It’s out there. It’s just not half as entertaining, and in the end I don’t give a fuck what you think about it anyway. As long as I keep my right to dangle a cigarette from my mouth at any given time. Listen, how’s this for a deal: you let me have my cigarettes and I’ll let you keep your shitty attitude. Or at least a few teeth.
And in case not even violence stops you, stay with me for another quick notion: Everybody knows I’m virtually always right, but let’s assume that this one time I wrote about Karma here on DRS I was indeed wrong. And now let’s assume there was any justice in this world too. Got it? I think it’s safe to say that under these circumstances, when smoking in bars will eventually be prohibited here and I’m going to start to chew tobacco in tons instead, you’ll be reborn as a spitoon.
Some words of wisdom to wrap it up:
"The lung is the street of life, and every street has a right to be tarred.
We wouldn’t want the Grim Reaper to trip when our time has come, now would we?"
- some wise man whose name rhymes with "full porn"
