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By
The Morningstar
Dead Rebel Of The Week
~ Me, Lucifer ~
With a tear in my eye and a sorrowful fart, I am here to break the news of my untimely demise to the world.
Granted, it's a neat trick to be able to communicate from beyond the grave, but bear in mind that different rules of mortality apply to me. The crucial component of my existence is not a pulse or a breath, but my continuing relevance to the world.
I have had the unfortunate luck of presiding over the roles of boogeyman, scapegoat, anti-god, and all-around shitheel at the dawn of the information-age. Now, all of those roles have been assumed and adopted by you instead. Terrorists, Pig-fuckers, Americans, Muslims, Christians, Jews, Africans, Dictators, Fundamentalists, Arabs, Bible Thumpers, Pederasts, Europeans, Politicians, Corporate Raiders, and the like, have moved in on my turf.
Nasty little fuckers, people.
Sure, I could wax philisophical about this being the natural end result of a job well done, the pinnacle of my overwhelming success at corrupting mankind, but that's bullshit. You sick motherfuckers were corrupt from the start, but at least you used to have some shame about it. That was my niche. I was supposed to spook you into embracing your "inner divinity." It never fully stopped you guys from really treating each other like shit, but for the most part the system worked.
There were breakdowns (like that whole Holocaust episode), but at least back then they served as examples and helped draw a line of acceptable behavior for societies that most people could buy into. Having something or someone to rally against always seems to make you feel all self-righteous, and even kept some of you in line.
Back in the good old days, few people had access to information, in fact, most of you were illiterate RIF truck rejects. It kept things simple - you did what you were told by your betters because you didn't know any different. Then came the printing press, which ultimately led here: The motherfucking internet.
Now it's a lot harder to fuck over your fellow man and pass the blame on to me. It's not as easy to get away with the lies and cover ups that go along with them, because too many of the details wind up here. At first, that seemed like a good thing in that it should have kept you all more honest, but that didn't happen. Instead, you just gave up your sense of shame altogether, along with your illusions about human nature, and with them, your fear of me.
Corporate thieves, corrupt politicians, hate groups, clowns (fuck yes, clowns! I fucking hate clowns - creepy fucks), and dictators have become pretty god damned brazen these days. They used to make an honest effort to spin, distract, mislead, etc. Now they just drop their pants and fart in your face.
Eternal damnation? You all seem to have decided that what is evil in religion now is everybody else's religion. "America is the Great Satan." "Judaism is a gutter religion." "Muslims are psychopaths." It used to be me that you feared, but hating them is more satisfying.
I used to be all over the culture. From Dante's "Inferno", and Goethe's "Faust" to "The Exorcist", I have been scaring the shit out of you for centuries. Metal bands used to be able to gain credibility just by dropping my name. Now it's just a lame cliche.
So consider this my letter of resignation. You all seem to feel that you can do a better job than I, and you're probably right, so have at it.
And don't forget, there are only 23 more shopping days left until Christmas. Wal-Mart is open pretty much all the time. Get in line!
"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."
- Verbal Kint
