By
Elise the Piece
Dead Rebel Of The Week
~ My Virginity ~
During a time when peer acceptance and general approval are critical, I, and more importantly, my virginity, stood firmly planted in the belief that we were going to save ourselves for our One True Love. When one is a teenager it is difficult enough to cling to that last bit of innocence, but try living in a town where EVERYONE was doing it. All my friends were doing it. The neighbor kids across the street were doing it. The preacher’s son was doing it. (Not with his dad though.) Even the ugly dude who worked at KFC and smelled like stale poultry and dirty mop water was doing it. But not me. I was clinging to that bitch like you wouldn’t believe. You remember that Elian Gonzalez kid who tightly clutched his little raft and rode to freedom? Well I was like that, but I had on more clothing and was a tad less Cuban.
My very first serious boyfriend was a football player that I dated during my sophomore year of high school. I will always remember him as “the guy who I totally should have lost my virginity to but didn’t.” It was after homecoming and we went to my friend’s party to partake in underage drinking and heavy petting. We retired to my best friend’s dad’s bedroom to do what I thought would just be a bit of frottage when, before I knew it, I was completely naked on my back with a 200 pound senior linebacker staring down at me. My virginity wasn’t going to take this lying down. Literally. I jumped the fuck up buck ass naked yelling, “This is not romantic! I need Enya and candles and I’m not even old enough to drive yet!!” He started to protest but the promise of a hand job got him over that real quick. Even though that motherfucker was hot and half the girls in my class were gagging over this dude, I still refused to give it up. The next day he, of course, told the entire football team that he “scored.” It was incredibly humiliating knowing the entire school was calling me a slut behind my back but don’t feel too bad for me. He’s bald now with a gimpy leg. The powers of my unsullied vengeful vagina were obviously at hand here.
The second time I rebelled against premature fornication was the next summer with a 21 year old hippie pothead. I was 16 and completely in love with him, of course. I had planned to sacrifice my virginity to him one romantic night while visiting his parent’s garage. They had converted it into a bedroom for him. We were on his futon, candles lit, all foreplayed up and ready to go. Just as he was about to stick his little soldier in me he said, “So, you want some Irish in you?” The phrase was so fucking ridiculous for what was going on at the time that I just looked at him and burst out laughing. Of course, being the stereotypical Irishman, he was a WEE BIT self conscious about the size of the previously named LITTLE soldier and, thus, went absolutely limp with horror. He immediately rolled off me with a “you have got to be fucking kidding me bitch” look. I soothed and eased his “ego” back to life, but by the time he was ready, my tune had changed and I realized I didn’t want to give my virginity to a cry baby. He pouted, but I consoled him by saying, “Hey! At least I can’t get pregnant!” He broke up with me one week later and my friends nicknamed me The Last of the Mohicans. Even though I was completely devastated by the breakup, I was glad of my choice. Any child coming from his sperm would have been retarded and limbless.
Losing that boyfriend was a bit painful and I really didn’t want that to happen again. So when I snatched up my next boyfriend, a married pizza delivery guy, I decided to become a bit more modern, sophisticated, and rebellious in my womanly ways without having to give it up. I was gonna suck a dick. His was the first dick I ever saw up close and, frankly, I wasn’t impressed. It wasn’t the whole size thing, but just the way it was pulsating and riddled with veins made my stomach churn. I didn’t trust it going in my mouth, but my cherry was screaming “that shit ain’t going up your cooter little girl, suck it dry!”
So I sucked.
At the time I was a bit naïve, so when he started getting a little squirmy, I inwardly congratulated myself on being such a fellatio virtuoso. All of a sudden a huge burst of a thick salty sperm shake came gushing in my mouth. I was incredibly freaked out so I instinctively jerked away, but he had been holding out for so long he was shooting like Old Faithful. I wanted to make it stop but I couldn’t quite getting my hand coordination down because I was busy choking on his baby gravy. So the one hand was on his dick jerking it all over like a joystick and the other hand was shielding my eyes and hair. When he stopped he noticed my glistening Face O’ Semen and, with sincere eyes of concern, immediately apologized. I didn’t want to seem like an idiot who had no idea THAT was gonna happen, so I nonchalantly acted like I meant for that to transpire all along. Of course, all this reassurance was occurring whilst de-shellacking my face and wringing buckets of his splooge out of my hair. And you know what? That mother fucker did that EVERY SINGLE TIME I siphoned his hose thereafter without so much as a warning. The only difference was that I learned to aim it as far away from my face as possible. I’m a quick learner like that. Despite physical threat to my person, I was true to myself and managed to mess around with him and still keep my virtue intact. As you all can see, being a rebellious virgin was not easy or safe. That shit could shoot your eye out!
Now let’s fast forward through a few hand jobs, blowjobs, and dry humps to the glorious summer when I finally met my Prince Charming. This was it. I was finally ready and willing to give away that part of me that I had been consciously saving almost my entire adolescence. I was with the man who was going to make a woman out of me while we made love in the candlelight on a bed of roses while listening to Air Supply.
Ok, actually there were no candles, no living plants within a 50 yard radius of the home, and we got drunk after a NASCAR race and did it on the living room floor of some dude’s house to that song, “Heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from another you’ve been messing around.” The sad part was that he wanted to check me for STDs pre-coitus by squirting a lemon up my crotch which would create a deep burn that is supposedly indicative of herpes or iced tea. We never did do that lemon check, but to this day I still view them as dirty fruit. At any rate, to make a sad story short, he fucked my best friend two weeks later and dumped me for her. I, angrily in return, fucked her ex boyfriend. That did not upset her, but it did upset her when a week after that I took the forbidden fruit and fucked her brother. On her bed. And I giggled like a school girl when I told her what I had done.
Back then, I did a lot of things that I wasn’t proud of. I did things to make people like me. I hurt some people deeply to make others want to be around me. But through all of that the one thing I never let anyone influence me on was my virginity. Peer pressure isn’t necessarily that friend saying “God, everyone is doing it. You suck because you are not!” but more the fact that when your friends huddle together, they are talking about something you just can’t reach. You don’t get it because you haven’t been there. At an age where I was vulnerable and relied on my friends for validation, I was instead surrounded with an air of inadequacy and unimportance. I endured those feelings anyway for three years because I was certain that no matter what anyone said, I was going do it when I was damn good and ready.
So let us all raise a glass and remember that fateful day when Elise The Piece’s innocence was thus plundered and sent to virginity heaven, free to play with all the other virginities. It is no longer made fun of by slutty friends or terrorized by a potential citric fruit infestation. It will never grow old and scabby from the warts of sailors or pirates and will someday be reunited by the arrival of Elise The Piece’s butt virginity.
RIP Rebel Virginity - November 30th 1977- July 19th 1995
