December 17th

"It's About Time"

By

Sebastian

Well, this blurb is. About time, I mean. I had a very coherent thought about time a while ago. I don’t even recall being high as fuck at the time but the possibility cannot be ruled out. Anyway, this year around Christmas seems like the perfect time to get rid of it so deal with it.

Too much to do, too little time? It’s simple. You would save a lot of time if you just ran everywhere instead of walked. Even if you’re lazy you’ve got no excuse. With that saved time you’ll be able to take a nice nap and get your precious energy back once you are there. Aside from that you’ll look pretty neat, lounging well rested at your destination, flexing your freshly built muscles from the exercise, while your clueless fellows just arrive.

Seriously, what’s so great about walking? Walking sucks. Would all those animal rights activists cry about horse slaughter houses if horses hung out on some lame meadow all day like fucking cattle? I don’t think so. They only get their panties in a bunch because wild horses look cool when they’re on their way, doing 300 mph or something like that.

What? Yeah, okay, driving. Thanks for bringing that up, I never would have thought of that myself, asshole. Of course that would be even better. The only little problem is those annoying cops. They apparently looked at too many heart-rending pictures of hot chicks on the internet that stopped being quite as hot once they got hit by a drunk driver. And now they tend to lump all us drunks together. Trust me, better run to the fucking liquor store at the corner instead, or they’re going to make your life a living hell.

And then there’s that phenomenon of making you age slower while you’re out in space or just travelling real fast. If you have two identical watches and put one on its way around the world in a jet, and keep the other one wherever you’re wasting away at the time, you’ll notice that the first one lost a few seconds afterwards. It’s true. Time really is relative. You don’t even need to understand that, but trust me when I say that you’re well advised to run everywhere if you want to spend some extra time on earth in the end.

That’s what the idiom “in the long run” derives from. No, really!