December 20th

"The Savior of the World"

By

Elise

The story of Jesus' conception is probably one of the most interesting stories ever written, especially since his mom was a virgin. One day, out of nowhere, an angel appeared to her and proclaimed; "MARY! God wants you to be his baby’s mama! Quit drinking n' shit!" Ok, so maybe that isn’t exactly what he said, but I am almost positive the angel was thinking that God was nuts for wanting to knock up a virgin.

Yeah, I am sure it is different for a guy to bang some young virgin, but it's more like a teaching experience for the girls who do the same. I hate having to baby someone through something about which they should at least have some fundamental knowledge. It’s pointless to say that when I had an experience with a virgin, it sucked.

The guy whose virginity I took was the sweetest little pot smoker I had ever met. So when he told me that he was a virgin, I thought, "AWESOME! This is gonna be fun!"

WRONG.

He was so nervous that he fumbled all the way through foreplay, clacking his teeth on mine and squeezing my chesticles in a vice grip. I knew things were gonna be really bad when, once we got naked, he looked at me with the most bewildered panic stricken eyes and whispered, "I DONT KNOW WHAT I AM DOING!!!"

I just rolled my eyes and replied, "For fuck’s sake, just stick it in! It can’t be that difficult!"

Apparently it was. You know how blind guys have that cane and they smack it all over the place making sure they don’t step on a puppy or something? Well, that is exactly what it was like, only his "cane" was the most inefficient pathfinder I think I have ever had the displeasure of experiencing.

He came in 4 seconds.

All over my stomach.

Luckily a man-virgin (mirgin) was not responsible for the conception of Jesus, because if he had been, the Savior of the World would have just been some belly crust on one very disappointed girl.