December 19th

"Celebrity Gossip Sucks"

By

Linda Adams

Does anyone really care that Nick and Jessica have finally called it quits?  What is this? The third time this has been announced? Ratings for their boring reality show are down. The marriage is over. I shit therefore I am. Let’s stay in the limelight… somehow.

The big split happened over Thanksgiving. People in New Orleans are still homeless, our country is still at war, trusted politicians are being indicted right and left, and, yet, the hot holiday news in the States was that Nick Lachey and his ditzy pop princess wife, Jessica Simpson, announced that they are ending their 3 year marriage.

I’m thrilled. Hold me down. I mean, give me an affair with her best friend, a stint in drug rehab, or SOMETHING to back it up. Drama. We need drama from our celebrities. We require drama. We demand drama.  Brad, Angelina and Jennifer can’t be the only ones to get it right between all of the “our client has no comment” PR releases.

You see, this is what happens when celebrity wives become more famous than celebrity husbands.  Nick was Mr. Boy Band Supreme and Jessica had one minor little pop hit when they got together. Now, nobody can remember what boy band spawned him and Jessica wears the Daisy Dukes in the family. He has been overshadowed. How embarrassing. Poor baby.  It’s time for divorce.

Look at Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Same thing.  Her star rose as high as his in the neon sky and it was bye bye, birdie. Now he’s with Katie Holmes, and she discreetly banged Lenny Kravitz and signed a multi-million dollar deal with Chanel. Personally, I think Nicole got the sweeter deal. May Tom and Katie live happily ever after, because she just doesn’t have the talent or charisma to shine any brighter than she does now. Maybe that’s one of the big attractions for ole Tommy boy. He’s destined to remain supreme ruler of his kingdom. I’ve never really understood his box office draw anyway.

I bet we won’t see Kevin Federline and Britney Spears announcing a separation anytime soon. He wasn’t jack when he lucked out, spearing the Cajun redneck queen – and he knows it. Lucky bastard. Now, he’s living large, all courtesy of his wife’s massive bank account. 

“Kevin, honey, let’s get married. I want to be an adult. NOW.” - “Yes, dear.” “Kevin, honey, let’s have a baby. I want to be an adult. NOW.” - “Yes, dear.” 

See how that goes?

It must suck to be Kevin Federline. I hope he changes his name before he releases his new rap CD.