December 1st

Spare the Rod (and Ruin Your Fucking Life)

By

Dr. Githa F. Overitt

In my occupation, I often counsel many befuddled and tormented parents who are barely hanging on to their last nerve because of their ungrateful and incorrigible children. At some point, they usually say something like "What in the hell has gotten into kids these days?” My question is "WHAT IN THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO PARENTS THESE DAYS?”

I’ll tell you what has gotten into parents; most of you have forgotten the fine art of beating your kids. You heard me - spank those little ingrates. Thanks to the advent of Childrens’ Protective Services, most of you are afraid to even tap your fucking toddlers on the ass, lest they call some fucking child abuse hotline, and you’re stuck with a court date and parenting classes.

You know what I say? Spank them, hide the phones in the house, and tell them that if they even think about calling the authorities, they’ll wind up in foster care doing hard labor, instead of goofing off in their rooms, playing Playstation and watching cable TV. This tactic is especially useful around Christmas; because then you have the added bonus of telling them that Santa Claus doesn’t "do" foster homes, and that they can look forward to a stocking full of coal and switches to beat them with.

I grew up getting my ass whipped for defying my parents’ authority. I knew not to backtalk my mom, or even roll my eyes at her, unless I wanted an immediate backhand to the jib. When I was little, not only did my parents regularly spank me, but they also granted full permission for any grown up in the vicinity to beat me in their absence. And even then, I usually got it again from them once they found out that someone else had to discipline me.

It infuriates me when I see teenagers telling their parents; "FUCK YOU, MOM! I’M 14 YEARS OLD! I’M GOING TO THAT RAVE WITH JIMMY AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME!” - while their parents just sit there, twisting their hands and threatening them with a "time-out". Fuck time out! That doesn’t do shit except give them quality time to think about the next fucked up thing they’re going to do to you. A swift smack to the head will put the fear of God in them, and usually embarrass them, too.

But, on the other hand, if you actually enjoy letting your kids be in control, and look forward to bailing them out of jail one day, by all means, continue with your candy-ass time-outs and positive reinforcement, you fucking New Age pussies.