Batch # 1

All Questions answered by our Shrink Team:

Dr. Githa F. Overitt - Licensed Therapist

MF Truth Fountaine - Sidekick Extraordinaire

Hey Doc,

I hope you can help me. My wife says she's pregnant from me and while I'm pretty sure it's actually from me and I even like kids, and even though everything seems great I don't want her to keep it. And here's my problem: she's a little conservative and feels that me not wanting to have a fat, hoggish and cranky wife for months on end is not enough of a reason to have an abortion. What should I do? I really love my wife and don't want to beat the living crap out of her should she not come to her senses and kill that goddamn fetus before it's too late.

Rainbowz N Starz

RNS...

So let me get this straight – you don’t want to have kids, but you’re obviously not using birth control? What kind of shit is that?

I am so sick and tired of hearing from guys in your position who knock a chick up and then cry when she won’t go get Lil’ Clumpy vacuumed out of her womb. Unless your wife pulled some underhanded craziness on you like lying about taking her birth control pills, you really have no one to blame but yourself.

And shut the fuck up already about the lack of male contraception for men.  Of course you’re not going to use condoms with your wife -- everyone knows that rubbers are for one night stands and fucking other people’s wives... duh! But it is your wife, so shouldn’t the two of you already have talked about the prospect of having kids, like when you wanted to, and IF you wanted to? I'm finding it hard to believe that you’re just now finding out that your wife is anti-abortion, as most chicks make that known upfront. I’m thinking you knew the score, but decided to take your chances anyway. Well guess what?

NOW YOU HAVE A KID !!!!! (Or at least something that will grow into one if you stay in denial long enough.)

The way I see it, you have 4 choices:

1. Go ahead and have the kid, and quickly realize that puppies are much cooler.

2. Slip your wife some Valium, take her to the clinic, and surprise her with "liposuction" ("Yes, of course, honey - they ALWAYS start with the vagina.").

3. Run far, far away and take solace in the fact that your kid will be just like most of the children in the world, and won't know who its dad is. Just don’t open any mail from Maury.

4. When all else fails, ask yourself:

If she wants to keep the baby, and you want to kill it, there is only one thing for you to do.

Join the military, and that way, you both win! You are gone most of the time, yet still married, and she gets a bundle of joy to keep her company... Or she will just fuck your friends while you are gone.

And in your situation, her fucking your friends while you’re gone might not be such a bad thing. At least when she starts bitching at you about how you never help her with the kid, you can use it to your advantage and scream "HOW IN THE FUCK DO I EVEN KNOW IF RAINBOWZ N STARZ, JR. IS MINE, YOU DIRTY WHORE?" Sometimes the sting of adultery is worth tolerating when you learn to appreciate the endorphin rush that retribution brings.

That’s when you play the "Baby, I have changed, without you there is no RNS" card, and if she says no, call her an unpatriotic whore, then move to Japan and marry a gook woman. At least with her you will get a good meal every night.

And look at it this way, if you marry a Japanese chick who turns around and does the same thing to you, you can always convince her that the pregnancy is a "disgrace", which will leave her no choice but to commit Hara-Kiri, which we all know is just Japanese for "Home Abortion Kit".

Listen man, if what you’re really saying is that you don’t mind kids, but you just don’t want a fat wife, you are delusional. All wives get fat, whether they squeeze out kids or not. The only way you can prevent that is to break up with her once a year – ALL women lose weight after you dump them. Other than that, the only other thing I can tell you is that when her pregnancy starts showing, start introducing her to strangers as your fat unwed cousin. Maybe she’ll think twice about putting you in that position again.

In all seriousness, these are the kinds of things couples should talk about BEFORE they get married.  Too many couples just think "TEE HEE!  WE ARE IN LUV AND NOW WE CAN PLAY HOUSE 4EVA !!!!!1" without thinking about how their spouse's opinions and beliefs are going to impact the rest of their lives.  If you can't even agree on when, why and how you should bring children into your home, you're fucked.  There's still school, religion, discipline, and financial issues that you will have to agree on as a result of having kids, and I'm here to tell you that "YOU'RE FAT" won't be a good bargaining tool in any of those discussions.

Don't ask me how I know...

Why cant kids grow as fast as kittens... in 6 months they are out and can take care of themselves.

Either that, or you can send them to "The Farm" if you get tired of them.

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Dear Dr. Fuckhead,

I have two sisters who are rich and famous, one has an eating disorder and the other one a cocaine addiction. I am older by two years, yet these bitches got everything handed to them. They were on a famous show and now make millions from syndication. I've gotten nothing but the cold shoulder from mom and dad since that time.

What should I do?

Trent in Cali

Trent -

How old are you that you actually give a shit about the amount of attention your parents pay to you? Most people who have a life wish their parents would pay LESS attention to them so that they have one less thing to deal with.

So you’re not rich and famous like your sisters – GET THE FUCK OVER IT! Just because every Christmas mom tells you that "stuff that you make yourself is always the best present because you put effort into it" when you give her shit like a latch hook unicorn tapestry, but starts calling you FUCKING JEW BASTARD when she sees this year’s model Mercedes that your sisters get her, doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you. It just means that she just wishes you were richer.

Best thing you can do is to get a life of your own, so that you don’t give a fuck what your parents are doing and can one day even praise Jah for Caller ID, and totally ignore them when they call.

Kill them.

His parents or his sisters?

Either/or... if he kills the sisters, then the parents will be forced to acknowledge him, if he offs the parents then the sisters will not be able to distance themselves enough and you will get all the attention. And since they're rich, that is attention to die for.

Okay, I guess that's always an option, especially if you don’t mind being incarcerated and  that pesky little thing known as PRISON SEX doesn’t scare you. But remember, not everyone thinks that being anally and orally penetrated by Bubba The Bath House Rapist qualifies for a "good time". 

With a name like "Trent", I doubt it scares him.

Good call.

But you have to remember, if you're locked up, chances are you'll get even less attention from your parents, since they'll be too busy spending your sisters' money to come and visit you.  I hope assrape and Kool-Aid fill the void.

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Hey Doc.

I love to porn-fuck, but my girlfriend wants to make love. I don’t know what the difference is. I am 18 years old and have fucked MANY girls before I met my girlfriend. We have been together for three months and I still have not been able to convince her to go anal. I love the girl, but a man has needs. What should I do?

Don in Seattle

Well, Don, would YOU want a hard cock up YOUR ass? Or anything up your ass for that matter? I am willing to bet that, yes, you would, because anal is what the fags do. Since your girlfriend won’t do it, you might as well go get some gaylord that is willing. I would assume it would feel the same to you.

If being a guy who wants to do anal makes you a fag, then almost every guy I’ve ever known is gay as fuck. Seriously, MF... Dude, I think you are one of like three guys I’ve ever known who doesn’t have any desire to stick it in some girl’s ass.

Shit, I’ll even go as far as saying that a guy liking an occasional finger in his ass doesn’t even make him gay -- it makes him ADVENTUROUS.

No, Doc, it makes him GAY.

Well, then let me just state for the record that GAY MEN MAKE THE BEST LOVERS -- especially the ones that fuck women.

Don, your problem probably isn't in your approach, it's in the fact that you are trying to stick your dick in the ass of a girl you've only been dating for 3 months. It took my old man 4 years to get me to give up my ass. When I finally did, it had nothing to do with actually wanting a cock in there, it had everything to do with the fact that I was really really REALLY drunk. Also, you might as well forget it entirely if this chick is under 23, since most chicks that age are afraid to even wipe too hard, much less get penetrated there.

If you really can’t live without anal sex, I suggest the following:

1) Find yourself a drag queen. Most of them love it in the ass and even look like chicks. Unless you snap into autopilot mode and go for the reach around, you probably won't even know the difference.

2) Go to the seediest biker bar in town, and focus on the 40-something chick dancing to "Stranglehold" while humping the pool table. Sure she might look like she was rode hard and put away wet, but it's all the same when they're bent over, right?

3) Get your current girlfriend warmed up to the idea of anal with a little non-intrusive assplay. Start by rubbing her AROUND the area and maybe even give her a rimjob. Look bud, if you want to stick your dick in it, the least you can do is give it a kiss first.

If she does give you the green light (or brown light, as the case may be), for god's sake don't shove the whole fucking thing in at once. You do some shit like that, and I guarantee you'll never get near her ass again. Start slowly, with some slight pressure and PLENTY OF LUBRICATION. In fact, I would suggest not even going for penetration the first couple of thrusts. Go very slowly, adding just a tiny bit a pressure each time. It should take several minutes before you make any real progress here.

Remember, the most pain will come from you initially getting the head of your penis past her sphincter muscle. If you are able to get that far, you should be good to go from there. And for God's sake, if she starts crying for you to stop, you better stop that instant, if you ever want a shot at it again. That shit does hurt, and unless she's just a dirty butt whore, chances are the only reason she's doing it in the first place is to please you. If everything works out and you do get access to The Promised Land, be prepared to go down on her for at least an hour to make up for all the pain you’ve inflicted on her. Not that any 18 year old knows what he’s doing when it comes to oral sex, but it would be a nice gesture.

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My best friend just broke up with his wife, I like her a lot, and we have a lot in common. I want to make the move and ask her to dinner. How long should I wait, or is my friend's ex totally off limits?

Chris in Detroit

Chris,

She is off limits for exactly ONE year; within that time you are not to have ANY contact with her at all. When you see her again, make sure it is by "accident", like at the gas station or the strip club where she works.

One year – that’s it? If you were a woman asking the same question, the answer would be NEVER! In fact, The Female BFF Code of Conduct dictates that you aren’t allowed to fuck any guy that your friend has ever expressed a desire to sleep with or even called "hot", much less anyone that she’s ever called her boyfriend.

Not that it ever stops us. That’s why women have a new best friend every six months.

It is my opinion that all women hate each other. The life of a woman must be like one giant Miss America pageant... Fuck that shit.

Whatever… you know he’s going to be hitting that thing before the week is up. She’s probably already shaved her legs for the occasion. Believe me when I tell you that women love nothing more than fucking your friends to get back to you.

What a whore.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Chris, you can't win in this situation. It doesn't matter how long you wait, your friend is still going to be pissed. Even if you ask his permission, chances are he's going to tell you to go ahead and fuck the girl with as much bravado as he can muster, and then cry like a bitch when you do. But knowing how men operate, he'll get over it, you will continue to be friends, and someday laugh about what tramp this broad is. Unlike women, men really do subscribe to the belief of "Bros before Ho's". Women will always retaliate and won't stop until they've completely destroyed the other woman's reputation and life in general.

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Dear Doctor Githa,

My boyfriend likes sexual fantasies. But lately it has been getting more bizarre. This last week, he wanted me to beat him while he was tied up! I got pleasure out of this, but not anything sexual. Am I normal?

Candace in Winnipeg

Dear Candace,

Of course you are normal. Your boyfriend is not.

When it comes to sexual preferences, "normal" is in the eye (or the hole) of the beholder. For example, I think people who dress up like big plush animals to get off are crazier than shithouse rats, but those same people might look at my penchant for fucking my old man when he’s dressed in my clothes and say EEEEW!

Well, you both wear the same size jeans.

What?

Nothing...

Anyway, you say beating him doesn’t arouse you, yet you take pleasure in it. My question to you is this: Is it really necessary to be sexually aroused by everything your partner requests in order for it to be a good time? My guy likes to have his hair pulled and his back scratched during sex. Doesn’t do anything for me personally, but I get off watching him get off, so it’s all good when the end justifies the means.

What really matters here is that you are both comfortable with what you’re doing. And in my opinion, even a little discomfort is not always a bad thing. I don’t like buttsex, but I will break down every now and then and give it up, just because I know my partner is into it. It also gets me in touch with my inner nasty tramp, which always makes for a good time, or at least makes for good blackmail material.

Anyone ever notice how it always comes back to anal?

At least you dont break out the strap-on.

Who said that I don't?

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