Batch # 2
All Questions answered by our Shrink Team:
Dr. Githa F. Overitt - An actual Licensed Therapist (no shit)
MF Truth Fountaine - Sidekick Extraordinaire of Few Words
This really hot and sexy teacher at school has been giving me the eye lately. She's at least 15 years older than I am, and married. Is it really that big of a deal if we fuck, even though I am underage? Is it possible for a sexy woman to statutorily rape a willing guy like me?
Matt in New York
Well, Matt, just hit on her. And if she digs you, you have a shot. But just remember, that nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is worse than the wrath of a husband whose wife cheats on him.
No shit. All the blowjobs and bragging rights in the world won’t make up for the fact that you could wind up shitting in a bag, surgically attached to your abdomen, for the rest of your life.
Okay Matt, let’s cover the legalities first. Yes, it is possible for a female to statutorily rape a male. It doesn’t matter if she’s sexy or fugly, or if he is willing or not - as long as she is over 18, and he is under the legal age of consent, she can be charged. In New York, the legal age of consent is 17, but even if you’re 17 ½, Mrs. Crazybitch will probably still run into trouble because of the nature of your relationship (teacher/student), and the implied “power” that she has over you.
Now, any reasonable therapist would tell you to stay the fuck away from this hussy. They would go on and on about how a sexual relationship between the two of you is still molestation, how it will cause you to have unrealistic expectations in all of your future sexual and non-sexual relationships, how it will cause you have trust issues – basically, how you will be scarred for life simply by sticking your dick in this woman. The problem is that we all know you’re going to hit it as soon as she offers you a ride home from basketball practice, so I’m not even going to waste my time on that shit.
This is not right. I was always told that life is NOT like a porno, yet little fucks like Matt are living it. Well, look at it this way, Matt: If she is fucking your punk ass, she has probably fucked other students as well, and that means you are not her first. And THAT means that Miss HerpeghonnasyphilAIDS will fuck anyone, not just you. She has issues and is using you for a cheap thrill. Not that that is a bad thing. Just sayin’…
Bitter much?
Another thing -- this chick may be sexy, but I guarantee you she’s fucked in the head if she’s trying to get in your Tuffskins, son. Normal women do not try to fuck high school students, plain and simple. Sure, some of us might check them out, and occasionally even have impure thoughts, but that’s where a normal person draws the line. Only a maladjusted psycho hosebeast will take it further. Sorry to ruin the fantasy, Matt, but chances are you’re going to end up with some crazy bitch who has more in common with Mary Kay Latourneau than Christy Canyon in “Teacher’s Pet”.
Listen dude, I’m going to be as honest as possible here. The fact is, if you do hook up with this hot, yet obviously disturbed, teacher, you could probably have a great school year getting lots of mind-blowing sex from this broad, IF you could keep it on the DL. Too bad you’re going to go and fuck it all up by running your big mouth and bragging to your boys about it. Here you are getting the kind of blowjobs you normally wouldn’t get until you were out of school (I’m talking both quantity AND quality), now all of a sudden your studly little ass is on the news and your hot piece of pussy is behind bars, all because it’s more important for guys your age to be able to claim they banged the hot teacher, than to actually do it more than once or twice. On the bright side, your new found fame and worldliness will probably score you major points with the girls at your school, so maybe the true answer can be found in another question:
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Is it still cheating if two girls (who are both in serious relationships with their guys) have sex with each other, even if it's just for the sex, and not for any kind of long-term emotional commitment? I’m asking because my boyfriend said that any person I have sex with besides him, HE gets to have sex with. The problem is, his best friend’s girlfriend and I already did. Should I tell him?
Missy in Daytona
It’s not cheating if both girls are hot.
Bullshit. It’s always cheating when it involves genitals, another person, and the fact that you have to keep it a secret from your significant other. End of story. The only time that this rule does not apply is if it takes place over a webcam or a phone.
So what's the deal, Missy? What exactly are you afraid of here? Telling your boyfriend that you cheated on him, or having to live up to your end of the bargain, by not saying shit when he says he’s going to fuck her too? Or is it that you don’t think she’ll fuck him, and you’re going to get in trouble for fucking someone who won’t put out for him? No matter how you slice it, you’re in a world of shit.
If you tell him you cheated on him, first he’s going to get a boner (or at least half a sock) just thinking about you grinding donuts with another girl, but then he’s going to get indignant because you had the nerve to do it without him being able to sit in a corner masturbating like a Bonobo monkey on Ecstasy while the two of you went to town.
Thanks for the visual of a monkey.
No problem. I was thinking about going with “PeeWee Herman in a porn theater with priapism”, but it just didn’t have the same zing, or the added bonus of a borderline bestiality reference.
Missy, to be honest, this whole agreement sounds pretty fucked up to me. Did you and your man seriously agree that is was OK for you to fuck other people as long as he gets to fuck them too? Is this agreement gender specific?
It seems pretty shady to me. Sounds like he might be using this as an excuse to get some hot man love.
That, or he’s turning you out in order to realize the classic male fantasy of an FFM threesome. This might sound like a great deal to you, while you’re lying there getting your box eaten better than he ever could, but think about how you’re going to feel when you see him nose deep in her crotch, giving her more foreplay than you’ve ever gotten.
My advice to you is to keep your mouth shut – that goes for telling your boyfriend about your tryst, as well as having it full of your friend’s pussy. Normally I try to promote honesty as much as possible when it comes to relationships, but in this case, there is nothing good that will come of him knowing that you cheated on him, especially with someone he knows. I know that same-sexperimentation is all the rage with the kids these days, but yes, it’s still cheating. If you’re that fired up to sleep with other people, maybe you need to re-think the whole idea of being in a relationship right now. If variety is more important to you at this point, go ahead and release your inner mullet and munch carpet until the cows come home (or until TMJ sets in) -- just get rid of the boyfriend. The world already has one Anne Heche, and we certainly don’t need another.
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How do you make “alone time” for you and your spouse when life is such a fucking mess? I am constantly working, and when I get home, I have to deal with 4 kids and my mother in law. Sometimes I just want to spend time with my wife. Also, how can I have "ME" time?
Walter in Debuke
Well, Walter, my suggestion would be to ask the mother in law to watch the kids for a day or two, while you and the wife go somewhere quiet for the weekend.
That sounds like a great idea, until you remember that most people have their in-laws living with them not because they can get free childcare out of the deal, but because their in-laws can no longer wipe their own ass. I’m guessing Walter probably changes more diapers on his mother in law than on his own brood.
Maybe Matt the Wannabe Teacher Fucker is his son, and the kid doesn’t know how to empty his colostomy bag.
If that’s the case, Matt should be made to walk around with a bag so full of shit that it backs up and his fucking eyes turn brown. Serves him right for not taking our advice.
Walter, I feel your pain. Once you have children, you can’t even find time to take a leisurely shit, much less spend quality time with your spouse. I only have two kids myself, so the thought of having four of the little varmints makes me want to swing from a fucking rope. There is only one way you’re going to be able to find quality time with your wife, and that’s by MAKING the time and PLANNING for it. Trust me, it’s never going to “just happen”.
Start small. Set aside one hour each evening when the children must stay in their rooms (doing homework, playing, killing each other, etc.), at a friend's, or outside, without disturbing you or your spouse and call it “grown up time”. One hour may not seem like a lot, but think about it… it’s enough time to smoke a joint, enough time to have a few adult beverages, enough time to watch a TV show… and if you’ve been married for any amount of time; definitely enough time to have sex - since you probably no longer believe in foreplay, or think about baseball in order to last longer.
I know childcare isn’t cheap, and with four kids, you’re probably so broke you need to move into a fucking shoe by now, but once a month you need to find the money to get a sitter for a few hours, and go somewhere with your wife. If it means your wife has to cut out her daily Starbucks, if you have to start packing Ramen noodles for lunch instead of having Penn Station, if you have to buy single-ply toilet paper and suffer a few shitty fingertips from the inevitable poke-through, so be it. It’s better than realizing that you haven’t had a tan for 5 years, and I promise you that you won’t even miss any of those other things once your old lady gives you a blowjob for the first time in 10 years out of sheer gratitude for some time away.
It’s the same deal for “ME” time, too. You have to make it happen. If you spend your life waiting for some free time to become available, you’re going to be a waiting – around – no – free – time – having motherfucker. Either that, or you’re going to end up slaughtering your family, and then you’ll have plenty of “ME” time in prison. It’s your choice.
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I don’t know how my parents can’t see that my sister is mongoloid or something. She is 8 years old and only yesterday learned how to make a sandwich. She will turn the TV on and off for hours on end while laughing hysterically, and when she speaks, she sounds like she is 4 yrs old and drunk. My parents are oblivious to this. They feel that she is just too smart, and that she just gets bored easily. How do I tell them that she is just a retard?
SG in S.C.
Jesus fucking god... I got nothing...
They think she is “gifted”, huh? Well, at least your sister came by her “brilliance” honestly, because it’s apparent that your folks are at least half retarded, too. Are you sure you’re not adopted?
Why is it that "gifted kids" can mean either retarded or genius? That shit's not right.
No doubt. It’s a lot like “aloha”, but with the possibility of more drool.
SG, I hate to tell you this, but you’re never going to be able to convince your parents that your sped of a sister is anything but brilliant and misunderstood. They’ve already made up their minds, and even if she has to start wearing a bib because she drools like a mastiff on 110° summer day, they’re still going to insist it’s because she’s “under stimulated”. It’s a lot like parents with butt ugly kids who insist on getting their portraits made and then have the balls to have wallet size prints made, as if everyone else in the family finds the kid’s overbite and harelip cute. These are the same children who are paraded around in pageants, and when the judges gag, the parents accuse them of being “jealous” and/or “blind”. No dumbass, they’re not jealous, they just aren’t deluded and can actually see that the kid looks like her face caught on fire and someone put it out with a fork.
My advice to you is to get used to a lifetime of watching her do shit like trying to drown the pet fish, ordering her sushi “well done”, and putting a ruler under her pillow so she can see how long she slept. On the bright side, she probably won’t make it through any kind of emergency, since she’ll die before the paramedics arrive, looking for the “11” button trying to dial 911. In the meantime, I suggest you keep your mind off of it by trying to locate your birthparents.
You know you have some serious issues too. Send all Qs to:
And then your crazy shit can be on public display too!
