Batch # 3

All Questions answered by our Shrink Team:

Dr. Githa F. Overitt - Licensed Therapist

MF Truth Fountaine - Sidekick Extraordinaire

Dear Dr. Overitt,

My name is Nick and I guess you could say that I am a passionate wanker. I have to jerk off nearly every other hour – even when I’m at work, I need numerous breaks just to go to the bathroom and masturbate. My problem is not hairy palms or anything like that, but we got a new supervisor at work that doesn't allow as many breaks as I need. I'm a very reliable staff member, and I wouldn't mind working overtime for the time I have to take off during the day. I don't want to admit I'm obsessed with jerking off, though, and I'm running out of excuses. What can I do to allay my urge?

Damn it, Nick, I could start a whole fucking website suggesting ways for you to "allay your urge", considering you’ve basically just asked me how to cure or manage an addiction. Fuck, while we’re at it, does anybody want to know how to quit drinking on the job or give up mainlining between meetings?

Hey, enough with the personal attacks, you bitch! I am trying, dammit! You don’t see me running my mouth about the “scented candle” in your desk drawer, complete with bulging veins and all.

That IS a scented candle, you little fuckhead, and that is wax that has run down the length of it, not “veins”. Jesus Christ, I don’t even think I have enough diplomas on my wall to touch your issues, Fountaine. I was sick the week we discussed euthanasia as a treatment method, so you’re safe.

As safe as the sex Hairy Palmer here is getting.

Anyway… While technically there is no such medical condition as “Chronic Masturbation Syndrome”, anyone who offers to work overtime (unless it’s Christmas time or Rent To Own is coming to take your big screen plasma television) has a fucking problem. In your case, it’s even crazier, because you’re doing it simply because your horny ass can’t wait until you get home to jerk off.

Unfuckingbelievable.

First I’d like you to answer TRUE or FALSE to the following statements, and then we’ll go from there.

1.I often feel like I am leading a "double life" because of the amount of time I spend masturbating.

False

2. I frequently engage in techno-sex (telephone or Internet sex).

False

3.I masturbate in the shower so much that I get an erection whenever it rains.

False

4.I have to masturbate after I have sex with my partner.

False (I do it before - she's one ugly bitch)

5.Masturbation is my favorite form of sex.

False

6.I have a left/right forearm that would make Popeye jealous.

True

7.In a masturbation contest, I normally finish first, third, and ninth.

True – and 12th (I have a lot of friends)

8.Masturbation has become so prevalent in my life that it interferes with my job responsibilities.

False

9.  Instead of Valentines Day, I prefer to celebrate Palm Sunday.

I thought EVERY Sunday day was Palm Sunday. This explains why people look at me funny in Church.

10.The most sensitive part of my body during masturbation is my ears, because I’m usually listening for footsteps.

True

Jesus Overmedicated Christ, Fountaine - you weren’t supposed to answer the questions, you’re the one giving the advice, remember? You need some help, Sam. No, I don’t mean a tag team partner, I mean contacting your local Sex Addicts Anonymous group or getting into therapy. If you don’t do something soon, you’re going to be the next PeeWee Herman or you’re just going to rub your dick right the fuck off, and that’s when your problems will really begin.

---------------------------------

Hey Doc, it's Rainbowz N Starz again.

No, I don't miss my ex-wife, thank you. I have another problem: it's been so long since I've dated that I seem to be doing everything wrong. Two days ago I went out with a woman that I really Iike. It was our 3rd date and I decided to finally make a move.

We were alone at her apartment for the first time  watching a movie, so I slid my hand into her pants. Well, before I could even tell what kind of hairdo she had down there she sucker punched me harder than my wife ever had. And now she's not answering any calls and doesn't open the door when I show up. I can't even apologize although I have no idea what I did wrong.

Fuck, I don't even know what my question is. I think I just needed someone to listen to me and you really helped me out last time. And mailing you is way cheaper than calling some fucking hotline where they give you all kinds of gay advice that only serves to make you laugh.

No wait, can you hook me up with one of your friends' phone number? Do you have any hot friends?

Thanks, Rainbowz N Starz

Listen motherfucker, I’m a woman, so of course I don’t have any real friends, much less hot friends. It comes with the territory. Even if I did, how in the fuck would I hype you up? "Hey Sally, there’s this guy who always writes in asking for advice on shit like inducing abortions and getting to third base, a total nutjob. Anyway, he has a really cute name and I think you guys would be perfect for each other!"

You are high, bitch.

I have a friend, her name is Steve, but in 8 inches, she is almost a woman.

In 8 inches of what? You? Can we leave your “friends” out of this, Fount?

Women are a lot like old cars - not only do they require constant attention and drain you of all of your money; they need to be warmed up for awhile before you can even think about driving them. They squeak and whine a lot too. You might wanna trade in for a better model soon. No matter what you see in the porno movies, women usually don’t get horny when the wind blows or when they see commercials for breast pumps like guys do. Yawn! Here we go with the "women are sensitive emotional beings" shit again. Shut the fuck up. Most women need prolonged stimulation in order to reach a complete arousal, so unless you’ve been married to them for at least 2 years, don’t even think about trying to get some without kissing them first. Zzzzz...

Grabbing her crotch like that... Motherfucker, I’d smack your retarded ass, too. Mostly because you seem like a fucking retard, but also because most women (outside of biker chicks and back up dancers for 2 Live Crew) would knock the fuck out of you for grabbing at their crotch like it was a stuffed animal in one of those coin operated crane games.

Get a grip!

I thought you said...

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

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