Batch # 4
All Questions answered by our Shrink Team:
Dr. Githa F. Overitt - Licensed Therapist
MF Truth Fountaine - Sidekick Extraordinaire
Dear Fuckheads Anonymous,
I don't know what to do anymore. My name is Anne and I am 41 and divorced. Recently, I've had the luck to meet a handsome, successful man who also divorced about half a year ago, and he has custody of his 17-year-old son. We fell in love and our relationship has been great so far, so I decided to move in with him. Here’s where it gets weird...
His son really is spoiled beyond belief and always gets everything that he wants, which would be none of my business if the last thing the kid wanted had been anything but ME. That's right, when... call him Fred... was at work last week, I stepped out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, and Junior started making sexual remarks about my body. And now a couple of days ago, when we were both at home alone on the couch watching a movie, I felt his hand on my leg. I didn't know what to do!
I tried to speak to him about it, faking understanding because he's in puberty and all that, but then he flat out told me he wanted to sleep with me, and if I refused, he would tell his dad I was cheating on him while he was at work. (Actually he didn't say he wanted to sleep with me. His words were something like "I want to fuck you like a dog".) That brat is crazy! I really love Fred but he would never believe me since his son means everything to him! What should I do? Please help me!!!!
Well, the first question that comes to mind about this situation is "Is Junior hot?”
We’re going to need pictures of both you and this kid for any further analysis.
Fuck no we don’t. The fact that she’s writing us bellyaching about it, instead of screwing this young stud on every piece of furniture in his daddy’s house, is proof enough that Junior most likely has a case of acne so bad that his face spells UGLY in Braille.
You just live to ruin all my fantasies, don’t you?
Because you fantasize about hot teenage boys? Trust me, Fountaine – the only thing I live for is Xanax and telling you to go fuck yourself.
Anne, you’re a fucking douche. I can’t believe that you’re 41 and you have allowed yourself to essentially be held an emotional hostage by a 17 yr old. If it were me, I’d just knock his fucking head off, but since you seem to have issues with confrontation, you’re candyass needs to have a talk with your boyfriend.
Chances are he knows how fucked up his son is, no matter how spoiled the horny little bastard may be. In fact, his dad might be spoiling him in some twisted attempt to make up for the fact that he wasn’t able to instill a shred of decency or anything remotely resembling social skills into him. Think about it - did you ever have that retarded or crippled kid in your neighborhood that always had the bomb ass birthday parties and got all of cool new toys, as if his parents really believed that having all of the luxuries in life would somehow make him more appealing as a friend? It could very well be the same scenario here.
Hey, I had a lot of great shit as a kid, and I turned out just fine. My mom loved me! In fact, she had this hot best friend, and once…
Jesus Oedipal Christ, Fountaine. It would be nice if we could make this installment all about you, especially if DRS paid me in proportion to the sheer amount of retardation involved in the case in question - but can you just shut the fuck up for one god damn second? Regardless of your hard on and the puke in my mouth, I’m still trying to work here.
Listen to me, Anne… Stop being such a puss, sit your old man down, and tell him exactly what happened. If he’s worth half a shit, he’ll go beat the fuck out of his son, or at the very least, get him a hooker. You can count on Junior trying to turn this into a big fat case of "YOU’RE CHOOSING HER OVER ME", and if his dad is going to fall for that, or if he’s the type of guy who is going to believe everything that his son tells him, then you need to get the hell out of that relationship. I mean, come on! If you can’t get him to believe you on this issue, are you going to take the fall for all of the dead hookers he’s going to find in the sub-floor of the basement, too?
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Hello doctor,
Could you please send me a photo of the hives? Not the Hungarian band but the rash. I’m asking because I've had them for a year now and I don't know how to get rid of them.
Thanks!
Jim in Tucson
You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. You’ve had them for a year and a half, but you want me to send you a picture of them?
Motherfucker, That’s like someone named Jesus Gonzalez writing in and asking me for a picture of a fucking taco.
My advice to you is to contact a MEDICAL doctor and leave me the hell alone.
Next...
Here you go (and they’re fucking Swedish BTW):
Oh my God, Fountaine, what in the fuck have you been smoking, and more importantly, can I please have some?
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Hey DRS team! I'm 23 and I'm crazy about young girls. My current girlfriend is 15 and I enjoy being the first one to cum in a virgin's cunt. I have deflowered about 7 virgins already but it always gets boring soon after that. Is that normal or what am I supposed to do?
Chester in Miami
The first fucking thing you need to do is get rid of all of the R. Kelly albums in your house. The second thing you need to do is STOP FUCKING KIDS. I suggest you do it in this particular order so that you won’t be FUCKING ANY KIDS while you’re getting rid of any evidence of your PEDOPHILIA. That, and performing any household duty is better than STICKING YOUR DICK IN A CHILD.
Eh, "child"? If it’s got ass, get on the grass, or whatever it is. Britney Spears was like 16 when she was at her hottest. I’d do her. Isn’t that just normal guy on girl attraction? Most guys would have fucked her.
No, it’s not normal, you sick fuck. And it’s not normal for your buddy, either.
Chester, you are a sexual predator, plain and simple. Your name is even Chester, for fuck’s sake. Quit kidding yourself by trying to justify it as a preference towards "being the first one to cum in a virgin’s cunt". Fuck me! I can’t even read that sentence without getting a weird-on, you creepy motherfucker. You’re like that guy in "Dazed and Confused" who graduated years ago, but still comes around and fucks all the freshmen.
The fact is, if it was just about virgins, you could simply stalk Overeaters Anonymous meetings, or cruise the waiting rooms of dermatology clinics. There’s plenty of virgin “cunt” to be had there (God, I just got douche chills again). Shit, I’m pretty fucking sure you could meet at least 5 different virgins on any given night at any Goth club in your town. (Believe me, guys - there are virgins EVERYWHERE. Unfortunately, they’re usually fat and/or have the face of a bastard alley cat.) Chester’s situation is different, though. He has a 15 year old for a girlfriend, so that tell me that it’s less about hunting for hymen, and more about just being a sick bitch who needs his dick cut off.
Goth clubs, you say?
Did I stutter? Yes, goth clubs, you fucking freak. I don’t know if it’s because most goth chicks are fat, or if it’s just because they’re mental, but you can always count on finding a higher concentration of virgins at any goth club or show as opposed to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert.
I think this guy has some sort of performance anxiety, and that’s why he fucks girls that don’t know any better. (And yes, when you find out they are under age, dump them, leave town and change your fucking identity. You think my real name is Truth MF Fountaine?)
Shut up, you sick fucking bitch.
For the record, performance anxiety, in people with good mental hygiene, usually manifests itself as impotency, most often in the form of erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. This guy isn’t suffering from anything that I would categorize as performance anxiety, or any normal form of anxiety for that matter - he’s just a fucking pedophile.
So being impotent with a girl is a sign of good mental hygiene? Kinda normal almost? Just checking… For a friend…
Tell your “friend” that even thinking about your dick when in the presence of a 15 year old is grounds for a severe ball stomping.
And quit humping my god damn chair, you horny fuck.
I honestly believe that you should do the world a favor and just off yourself, Chester. You’re not going to magically "get better" overnight, and you’re definitely not going to meet some legal virgin who is going to rock your world enough to make you swear off of young girls for the rest of your life. It is a common opinion in the psychiatric profession that pedophilia is not a curable disease, and it is this therapist’s opinion that "curing" pedophilia is a task better suited for a fucking hangman, not an online advice columnist.
Do you have any questions for the Shrink Team?
Contact: drs@deadrebelsociety.com
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